Inheriting parents' debt, mess, responsibilities

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My parents are in their 70's, and I live with them. Not because I'm incapable of living on my own, but because without my rent contribution, they would be forced to move from their home of 15 years. My mom has severe anxiety issues, and having to move would basically destroy her.

If my parents didn't need my rent contribution, I would prefer to have my own apartment, because living with other people is stressful for me. Many days I find myself craving solitude, independence, and the freedom of being able to choose my own simple lifestyle, rather than have other people's complicated lifestyle forced upon me. But I care about my parents, and so I stay, out of a sense of loyalty and duty.

At the moment they are in reasonably good health. But my own health is suffering (insomnia, anxiety, stomach problems) because I can't stop worrying about the fact that all of their complicated problems are going to fall to me when they die.

They have a bit of a hoarding problem - not as bad as the hoarders who get media attention, but enough that I worry how I'm going to get rid of their stuff when they die. I've looked into it, and I think I can just get a 'liquidator' to haul it all away, hopefully for free, since it's mostly antiques and knick-knacks rather than complete junk. (I don't understand why people need to have so many 'cute and lovely' things that their home is stacked floor to ceiling like a warehouse, and it's an embarrassment when anyone comes to the door - but that's another issue!)

My biggest worry is dealing with my mom's indoor aquarium, and outdoor fish pond - because living creatures are involved, and I want to deal with it humanely. I'm hoping I can find people to take the fish for free, along with the aquarium & supplies. But that's something I'll have to deal with quickly, when the time comes, because I am terrible at caring for fish (had several as a kid, because I love animals, but they all died, even though I followed the instructions perfectly. So I have zero confidence in my ability to care for these fish, if it falls to me.)

As a tenant in their (rented) condo, I worry that their alterations to the property will become my responsibility to fix. It's just a small place, but they sunk a 4-foot plastic fish pond into the back patio, and that might need to be removed, and re-landscaped. I don't have a lot of money (as in, barely enough to cover my own basic living expenses) and I really resent that the bit of money I'm trying to save up in case I'm hospitalized (because my health sucks) will all get spent on dealing with the mess my parents are going to leave behind when they die.

Of course I love them; I wouldn't be living with them, and helping them with their rent, if I didn't care about their happiness. I've tried talking to them multiple times about their financial choices, but it's not a conversation I'm capable of winning. They live the way they want to live, consequences be damned. But it's true that by living with them, I'm enabling them to continue living in their fantasy world, and if I were to move out, they'd be forced to move as well - into a low-rent senior apartment, probably 100 miles away, because the waiting lists for affordable housing in this area are closed.

I don't want to do that to them. What I want is to figure out a way to live with this reality, without losing sleep and making myself sick worrying about all this stuff. I need to have confidence in my ability to deal with the financial and logistical crisis their death will cause me, on top of whatever emotional grief I might be feeling.

Basically I'm going to be pushed way beyond my functioning capacity, and it scares me. I have trouble making phone calls. I don't drive, and while I'm not afraid to take the bus to get around town, I only do so when absolutely necessary, which ends up being maybe 5 times a year. I'm capable of tailoring my own life around my limitations, but when other people's complicated life choices and responsibilities get dumped on me - I don't know if I can take that. The reality is, I might just call 911, get taken in for suicide watch, and ask to be placed in some kind of home for the mentally ill, and just not deal with any of this at all. I am capable of living independently, and taking care of myself, but I don't have the coping ability to deal with other people's mess. And if it comes to that, I'm likely to become overwhelmed, and shut down, and have to be hospitalized.

Sorry, this was insanely long. I don't expect anyone to actually read it. But it feels good just to get it out. I'm not in therapy at the moment, and this is really the only place I know where people understand how overwhelming life can be when you're autistic, and forced to take on responsibilities beyond what you can handle.

I'm not really expecting responses, or for other people to fix my problems. I know that it's my job to figure out how to deal with this. And if I can't do it on my own, I will seek professional counseling. But to anyone who actually read all this, thanks for listening to my crazy midnight ramble. I will be okay.

Yeah....I do think about what I'm going to do with my mother's stuff when she passes away. However, I think I will let my brother handle that LOL.....he'll probably want most of it--he can have it! Especially if he handles all the work!

It's terrible if a parent passes debt to you!

It's a real pain in the tushey--but at least you there are for your parents--that's a very virtuous thing. And something to be proud of.

It's a tough situation - my parents have kind of pissed away anything they could have saved and they feel it now. Our relationship is rather different than yours however; my parents are rather toxic and I have learned to handle them with long-handled tongs. We tried to help move them along but they are set in their ways. At some point something will happen, and I'll have to rush over there and clean things up.

Also, I didn't think debt passes to inheritors; only assets (after claims from debtors) pass in an estate. So I don't think you'll have literal debt from them, but probably lots of other issues, like the fish pond and so on.

I think liquidators can do a lot of that work. I hope you don't feel the need for the 911 option; that could lead to unintended consequences later on when you get out; and it might even be hard to get out of that home. Is there anyone you can ask for help as an ally?

I do understand the situation you are in. Just some background to my own.

I’m 60 and live alone since my husband died several years ago. I have friends but no family at all and after a recent health scare, it occurred to me that I just didn’t have measures in place to handle things in the event of my death and it was worrying me. I didn’t want to burden a friend with having to sort everything out. So, I went to see a lawyer to draw up a will and appointed a professional executor. As I signed the document, it felt like a huge weight was being lifted. I have named a particular friend as my “next of kin” and have their details recorded in my medical records. In the event of my death my friend just has to call the executor and they will take over: organize my funeral, pay any debts, sell my house and dispose of and distribute my assets according to my wishes.

And that is what your parents should be doing - deciding who will administer their estates when they die and what they want to happen to their things. I’m wondering if it seems overwhelming to them too and so it’s easier to bury their heads in the sand. It’s not uncommon.

I’m assuming neither have made a will. Would you be willing to be named as executor if you they did? I’m in the UK so I am not au fait with US procedures if someone dies intestate, who takes responsibility if there is no next of kin or if the next of kin feels unable to act. Maybe another forum member could step in here and offer some advice. In the UK, a family member can be a joint executor with a lawyer so anything the former cannot or does not want to handle can be dealt with by the latter.

Right now you have tried but cannot persuade your parents to take responsibility but things might change. One or other of them will die first. For example, might things change in the event it’s your mother who dies first? You haven’t specifically mentioned your father. Is he taking a back seat because he knows it would stress your mother to tackle these issues? From what you write, it’s her aquarium and her fish pond. Would your father keep the fish after her passing?

Recently, I watched a couple of US TV programmes on hoarding, animal hoarding in this case, and it was evident that most of the hoarders’ partners’ and children were unhappy with the situation but felt helpless because the welfare of the hoarder was paramount and they did not want to cause him or her further stress. Often it was stress that lead to hoarding in the first place. It seems to be a vicious circle. I know you said your parents are not that extreme but the need to accumulate things does seem very commonplace nowadays.

Right now, all you can do is try to put into place some contingency plans. Your own mind would rest easier if you could.

For example, do you have neighbours you can talk to about the fish, someone who could offer assistance to care for them on a day-to-day basis in the short term? In those TV programmes, it was the Humane Society who came to the rescue to find new homes for animals. Could you drop them a line to ask for advice?

Were the property alterations done with or without permission? Could you talk to the owner of the condo to find out? If it transpires that the alterations were done with permission but on the understanding that things would be put back to how they were come the end of the tenancy (and assuming that the tenancy will only end on the death of both parents), the cost would fall upon the estate of whoever passed away last. Did your parents pay a refundable deposit when they first took the condo? Often deposits are held in in lieu of any repairs and refurbishments required when a tenancy ends.

You know, it might be an idea to take a look at some of those knick knacks and try to identify anything which is of value which could be earmarked to cover any future debts your parents may leave. Again, just to put your mind at rest. In the UK, a child is not responsible for the debts of his or her parents but certain debts can be a charge on the estate. So, for example, if there were repair costs to pay on the condo, you should not have to pay them out of your savings. However, any sum of money you might have inherited from your last surviving parent’s estate could be reduced by the repair costs.

Please don’t think you have to deal with this alone. You have made a start by reaching out here. Our circumstances are different (and I am not autistic) but I do know what it's like when a situation feels overwhelming. We just don’t like to ask for help but sometimes help is closer than you think.

About five years ago, my neighbour’s husband died. She’s in her 80s and I assumed her son was helping her sort things out. A year went by. One day, she called over the garden fence, asked me in for coffee as she needed help with something. She told me that her son had serious short-term memory problems relating to a past illness. Consequently, he hadn’t been able to grasp the complexities of dealing with his father’s estate. So she’d plucked up the courage to ask me for help. I was happy to and things were soon sorted out but she’d spent months worrying about it. I think it’s good to get help from someone who isn’t emotionally involved. They will take a more pragmatic approach to problem-solving that those emotionally involved often cannot. Do you have anyone at all in your neighbourhood that you could talk to about this? Your parents are in reasonably physical health right now so you could deal with planning little-by little, as much as you can handle at a time without becoming overwhelmed.

Thanks for the responses - I'm sorry to hear that others are dealing with a lot of the same issues, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one. And I appreciate the advice offered - I might not touch on every point in this response, but please know I am keeping it all in mind, in figuring out my strategy!

The irony is that the notion of my parents being able to live here until they die is a 'best case scenario'. The three of us can barely afford the rent as it is, and it keeps going up every year, so we might be forced to move within the next 5 years, if this trend continues.

If one of my parents dies, we will have to move as well, since we can't afford this place with only two incomes. So that's going to be sudden stress on them, in terms of losing their partner, and their home, in the same month. And I'll do my best to be emotionally and financially supportive to the surviving parent, but that will be challenging for me too.

As for inheriting their debt - you're right, I will be exempt from that. They racked up 5 figures in credit card debt in the 90's, and decided not to pay it off, ever. It's embarrassing, and shameful, but - that was their decision, not mine. (And I didn't even know of this reality until a few years ago.) The antiques they own aren't worth enough to pay that off, but - I will just deal with that when the time comes.

I don't have any friends, or know any of the neighbors. I do have a brother, but based on his history I doubt that he will be of much help. My plan really is to just try to figure out the appropriate agencies to call, to deal with the various issues, and hopefully seek advice from a counselor or social worker, and just get through it as best I can.

I will try to work up the courage to speak to my parents again, about some of these issues. But yes, they are in complete denial, and they prefer to just not think about any of that. Still, they have made baby steps in the past few years, and have cleared out four additional storage units full of stuff - so that is something.

Communicating and 'connecting' with people is difficult for me to begin with, and I struggle to find a balance between being a loving, supportive daughter, vs. pointing out the reality that we can't afford to live here much longer, and they will have to get rid of 90% of their stuff when we move. (Yes, I've told them that, and I think on some level they understand, but for the moment they just want to keep living their happy fairy tale life, spending money on silly things and enjoying these last few years together, until the day they're forced to give it up.)

So - for the moment, I choose to let them have their happy fairy tale as well. But it will all come crashing down eventually, probably quite suddenly, and I live in a state of hyper-vigilance, preparing for that reality.

Anyway, I do appreciate the support, and I will continue to look into my options, so I have a basic plan of action for how to deal with all of this. But I also accept that it is my choice to allow them to have their fairy tale, and to not be the 'bad guy', and create stress and unhappiness for them by harping on their financial woes. I accept that one day it will all come crashing down, and our move will be sudden and forced, rather than carefully planned.

I accept that I am choosing to put their needs above my own, in the time that is left to them. To put my own needs first - to move away, and run away from this stress - feels selfish and wrong. I take this burden on willingly, and I think I just need to adopt an attitude of believing that when the crisis comes, I will get through it. It won't be the first time that my entire life has come crashing down on me, and I need to have faith in the fact that I tend to go into adrenaline mode at such times, which carries me through.

Thanks again - it means a lot to have a place where I can talk about these issues.

You have quite a bit to get through so let's start breaking them down to small pieces:

1) The condo with the koi pond - You can always sell that as/is and discount the price and let the landscaping issues become the new owners problem. Just find a good realtor who can price it properly to sell as quick as possible.

2) Indoor Aquarium/Outdoor fish - Craigslist those as free to a good home along with equipment.

3) Other junk - The liquidator might be the best bet. Also, you might bring in an antique dealer to look through the stuff and give you an offer, then the rest goes to the liquidator.

4) Parent's debts after death - In the USA, the estate is responsible for the debts of the deceased. If there are more debts than assets, the estate gets liquidated (see 1 - 3 above) and pays what it can and the rest are a loss to the creditors. Now, there are collections companies that will tell you differently so be ready for that (or go wireless because the TCPA protects you from unsolicited calls from collectors).

5) Parents attitude - You will not change this because of the powdered butt syndrome. The PBS is where once someone has powdered your butt, they do not want your opinions on finances or sex.

6) Yourself - You really need to get your own place and move on with your life. I know you don't want to do this because of your parent's issues but this might be the only way to get them to realize that their situation is precarious. You moving out might be the best thing for all parties involved. I would really suggest looking into that now rather than after your parents have died.

That is an interesting point, and it makes me challenge my reasons for staying with them. I think the truth is that my notion of 'running away' to escape the stress is a bit of a fairy tale as well, since I'd just be running from one less-than-perfect situation to another. The only apartments I could afford, on my own, without roommates, are 100+ miles away, and tend to not be in the safest areas. Where I am now is physically safe, and that's definitely a selling point.

I'm coming to face the reality that theoretically I could live on my own, if I had enough money to afford a safe neighborhood - but that's not my reality. My health is poor due to Lyme disease, I have trouble walking, very little strength in my hands, and it's gotten dramatically worse over the past five years. Living independently might no longer be a realistic goal for me, but rather something I was able to do when I was younger, and stronger.

So I need to accept that like it or not, I'm disabled, and after my folks are gone, a group home situation might really be the best place for me. And I'm not afraid of that reality; I just hope that I will receive help, when the time comes. (And as bad as my physical health is, my mental health is even worse, with both autism and bipolar disorder.)

Realizing that these are really my last few years of living with the only people in the world who love me, helps me to see things in perspective. No, my parents aren't perfect, and their lifestyle choices stress me out. But once they're gone, my only realistic option is probably a group home situation, and that will be no picnic either. Still, if I am placed in a safe home, and not expected to function beyond my capacity, I will consider myself fortunate.

So I'm sorry if my rant here has been delusional, to some extent. But expressing these concerns, and then being forced to challenge my statements, helps me to realize that I really am fortunate to have anyone in my life who cares about me at all, which won't always be the case. They have been kind and supportive about my own dysfunction, and so I choose to be accepting of theirs as well.

I am making a list of agencies to contact if and when we're forced to move, and I pray that I will have the emotional strength to deal with that stress, and not fall apart. But it helps me to understand my own limits, and try to plan for a situation that is realistic and safe, rather than wishful thinking.

Thanks again, and I'm sorry if my confusion and mixed feelings on this issue are annoying.

I live with my parents but they are only turning 60. I have severe physical illnesses that combined with my autism making living independent impossible atm and for the foreseeable future. I am pretty much dependent on my parents. I can't handle the responsibility of pet or another person, I can't fully take care of myself most of the time without help from my mom. Even social responsbilities, where a friend expects me to message them everyday is enough to easily overwhelm me and cause me to shutdown.

I think if everything in my life were to suddenly turn for the better, in the best case scenario I might, be able to live independently, with some assistance, but I sure as hell can't take care of my parents. They ask me who will take care of them when they are older, well as much as I would like to, it won't be me, I guess it will be my completely healthy NT brother.

Sorry I don't have any advice to add. I'll just say that I did read all your post and can relate in my own way about feeling overwhelmed with responsbility when you are autistic. Sorry you are in this mess.

Your parents have the right to live as they wish, with literally zero consideration for your convenience upon their deaths. If they die and you inherit their stuff and problems, you are free to dispose of them however you wish. Give away the pets, auction the stuff or give it away, and move. It doesn't sound like their deaths are likely to happen in the immediate future, so why waste time exerting yourself on pointless worry over trivial problems that don't exist yet?

Just as your parents are free to live their lives as they see fit, so are you. You don't need to stay and help them with rent while living in misery. Find somewhere to live nearby and go there as soon as possible. They will work something out no doubt, they have kept themselves going for over seven decades and probably will continue to do so as needed.

Thanks Noca - it helps me to know that I'm not the only one who faces these issues.

Mobers, I hear and respect what you're saying, and again apologize if my mixed feelings on this subject are annoying to others. I love my parents, but their lifestyle choices stress me out. That is the truth of it.

You're right, I absolutely have the option to leave them in the dust, and let them face the consequences of being forced to move within the next month. It is my choice to not do that to them.

Life is not perfect, for any of us. And sometimes we just need a place where we can be honest about our feelings, among others who understand what we're going through. The Haven is exactly the place for that, so I hope I was not too out of line in expressing my feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed, in a place where it is supposed to be safe to do so.

[EDIT]: I would also point out that what seems a 'trivial problem' to you, might not be a trivial problem to another person - especially when mental illness is involved. The solutions you listed may seem ridiculously simple to you, but the whole point of my post is that I don't feel confident in my ability to do any of those things.

Anyway, I really do appreciate the supportive replies, and please know that you all have helped me to feel less panicked about this situation. I was having a bad night, and I'm grateful to have had a place where I could reach out for support. But at this point I'm feeling better, and would appreciate just letting this topic die out, rather than being dredged up purely for the sake of criticism and judgment. Not because I am perfect and undeserving of criticism, but because the Haven is not supposed to be a place for that, and we all ought to have better things to do with our time. Thanks again

All the best - I hope that whatever happens is easier for you than it seems right now.

The point isn't that you should feel bad about feeling bad, it's that you should take steps to feel better. Getting away from the mess and disorganization and people's choices that upset you is an option. The "problem" of what you will do with their stuff when they die isn't even a problem yet and the specifics are trivial, so it sounds like maybe that isn't the real problem right now at all and just the place you are focusing your current anxiety and concern. As a result, you are distracted from the existent problems when maybe you could be dealing with them.

No criticism and judgment here, this is something very normal to do and sometimes recognizing that your real worry is something different than you thought can help. You love your parents and will probably miss them very much when they die, so maybe instead you focus on the details of what you will need to do and how hard it will be to cope without them.

Glad to hear you are feeling better, and sorry if what I wrote hurt your feelings.

Thanks Mobers, that makes a lot of sense. I'd nearly forgotten what spurred this anxiety to begin with: the realization that right now I am experiencing a rare moment of stability in my life, and have managed to go 5 years without a life-altering trauma (which is kind of a record for me, pathetic as that sounds). So, because I'm accustomed to things never staying good, but crashing down on me constantly, I'm being proactive and planning for how I will cope with the next disaster.

And I think the reality is that I need to learn to regain a sense of faith, that things can stay stable and good, and I don't have to live in a constant state of fear and hyper-vigilance. I grew up with family members dying constantly, and my adult life has been a non-stop train wreck, but it's possible the wreck has finally come to a screeching halt. I finally understand that I have autism, and these days I make very cautious life choices, so hopefully that will make a difference.

Thanks again for the kind words - much appreciated.

I feel for you; I often struggle enough dealing with my own mess, let alone taking on the full load of someone else's.

I also understand how overwhelming and daunting such seemingly "little" things can be..particularly when there's a pile of them.

I hope it all works out okay.

When you have been through enough bad experiences that they become normal, dealing with normal life can definitely be a challenge! I can relate to so much of what you have said here. It's hard to just enjoy any peace and stability when experience has taught you that something horrible will strike if you dare to relax for a second.

The thing is, stability is only temporary, but if you let anxiety and worry about the next bad thing take over, what could be a pleasant and enjoyable time is ruined by the dread of the next bad thing. Next thing you know, your life is a series of disasters separated only by worry about the next disaster, and that's no way to live. The worry doesn't prevent the bad thing, it only runs you down. Bad stuff doesn't happen because we didn't feel anxious enough as preparation for it.

Making a plan for what you will do if/when something bad happens can be constructive and can help you feel confident that you are going to manage to deal with it as needed. You've dealt with the bad things in the past, so you should put some faith in yourself that you will get through a future bad time too and will be able to use what you have learned so far.

Thanks for putting your feelings into words so well.