Considering suicide again..

Post Reply New Topic

I've been falling back into a deep depression which started in early october and seem to have subsided in late november... however im starting to notice my thought patterns are returning to a depressive state... im starting to plan suicides again...

I recently decided to plan a trip to take my family to disneyland. you may be asking "well how will you do that ZombieBrideXD, your 19 and living off welfare" well to that my good sir/madame i say gambling! because f**k WHY NOT!? my mother is a professional gambler and i asked her to show me how to gamble safe and smart, i also plan to invest in lottery tickets and scratch & wins... (save your breath about how stupid a idea this is i know its pathetic)

I planned the trip as a bucket list thing... i dont see much success in my life and i want this to be a kind of "last thing i do before i kick the bucket" i keep telling people its a way so i can just have fun but in reality im just sick of my life, im sick of myself i just want this one nice thing and then i just want to die.

Ive also been having some Gender dysphoria... which really doesn't help...

You're too young to die. Depression clouds the mind. It's best to seek therapy rather than ending your life. Death is permanent. I have suicidal thoughts but never have tried it. It's just not logical.

Its logical to me, i provide nothing for those around me or my society, i am literally someone who needs constant help with the smallest of responsibilities, i am nothing but a nucence. I am not enjoying life at all, why live at all? i have nothing to accomplish in life anyways, whats the point?

When you have thoughts like that, it's only natural to feel this way.
I think everyone with thoughts like that, even the most successful formerly-happy person on the planet, would become suicidal.
I can't really help, sorry. I have a similar problem.
All I'm saying is I can understand and I hope you can find ways to make your life a little bit better so you can keep living.

I like you too much. I would miss you if you pass away. Many people in your position eventually accomplish things. Don't do something stupid to go to Disneyworld or Disneyland.

Have you considered talking to a therapist about this, or are you on any antidepressants? If not, then I'd suggest this would be a good place to start. I am on Klonopin and Lexapro, and on most days, they do help, except around my time of the month (I also have PMDD).

I also looked at your DA page, and you are a very talented artist. Have you ever considered selling your art or doing paid commissions for other DA artists? I think it is a good alternative to making money for going to Disneyworld or whatever you want to do with the money you made selling your artwork.

Also, I just want to leave here with one thing that I hope will sink in: I read a fortune on a fortune cookie yesterday that says, "Be happy with the person you are, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise". I hope I helped!

Only reason I haven't tried suicide is that my survival instinct is too damn strong. I can't even give myself a tiny little cut. My body just refuses to hurt itself.

I can't really offer any advice on this. Don't see the big appeal to living, so the typical illogical emotional appeals to just stick things out don't really make sense.

I do wonder though. You say considering suicide again. That means you have before but for whatever reason stopped for a time. So my question to you is why did you stop feeling suicidal the last time?

Please get help - it exists and is available.

You clearly want to live, or you wouldn't be on this site, hoping folks will talk you out of offing yourself.

I am sorry you are feeling so depressed. I'm not going to tell you not to end your life because I have felt the same way you do many times throughout my life. I will say that I and I believe many others would miss you if you were gone and hope that you continue to talk and share how you are feeling.

Have you tried speaking to kidshelpphone before? You mentioned you are in Canada and they speak to people your age. They are annoymous, free, available 24/7 365 and they even have a chat feature if you prefer that instead of using the phone. I've talked to them before when I was your age and feeling the way that you do and found them to be really professional and helpful. Sometimes just talking about your suicidal thoughts, what's bothering you and having someone listen can help you feel a lot less overwhelmed and a lot less alone.

They aren't going to call the police on you or come and kick your door down and they don't subscribe to call display, they are completely annonymous.

I can understand how you feel. I have felt that way myself when doing things just feels impossible and too much has gone wrong that it becomes overwhelming.

It is nice that you want to take your family on a trip. That shows a generous spirit and that you are making an effort to reciprocate.

It's good that you came here to talk to people.

Have you identified anything that has helped you feel better in the past when you're really depressed? Sometimes it helps to list those activities that help you feel better and refer back to it when you feel bad again. It can be anything you enjoy or that comforts you.

Sometimes when things get too much for me I listen to music, talk to people online, or watch videos about my special interests, but when it gets to the point that nothing helps I sleep and usually that helps reset something in my brain and I wake up feeling some improvement.

A couple thoughts...

Any pattern to falling back into deep depression, like "it's worse in Winter", or it's triggered by certain specific external events or internal thoughts? And, is it hereditary?

Also if you aren't in a hurry, you might as well work through the gender dysphoria or at least explore it before you go. Not having a known-good sense of Self can make *everything* damn near impossible to sort through and deal with both emotionally and on a very practical level. Even just getting up out of bed, or doing anything productive can be insurmountable if you don't (yet!) have that solid sense of who you are that everyone else seems to have...

maybe you could apply for part time jobs. ive applied for like 50 jobs and havent heard back but I know law of averages Ill eventually find something.

Also id recommend reading budgeting books from the library. I believe having a decent income is superior to having a big income and not knowing how to manage it. Instead of getting depressed work towards ideas that excite you. Live in the future

Good observation.

I realized that i had a psychotic break because i foolishly halted my anti-depressents, im starting them again and seeing my doctor in February.

im aslo seeing my Endocrinologist about hormones that might play a role in my problems

Good observation.

I realized that i had a psychotic break because i foolishly halted my anti-depressents, im starting them again and seeing my doctor in February.

im aslo seeing my Endocrinologist about hormones that might play a role in my problems. Mental ilness runs in my family more than Brown hair and eyes. My grandmother was very very ill.

a lot of factors play in my depression.

Good observation.

I realized that i had a psychotic break because i foolishly halted my anti-depressents, im starting them again and seeing my doctor in February.

im aslo seeing my Endocrinologist about hormones that might play a role in my problems. Depression and metal illness runs in the family more than brown hair and eyes, and boy o boy does that run in the family.

Oh no, never just stop taking antidepressants like that. It can cause severe discontinuation symptoms and yes it can make one feel like one is going crazy.