life is fear

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keep just staring at the computer screen, wanting to say something but not knowing what the hell to say. won't even look at the responses probably. never do. when I was younger, wanted to know what people thought of me. now i hate thinking about people paying attention to me. life is fear. had a medication for that and it worked but it's not working so well since one of my best friends died. lots of people died before, but I didn't know them like i knew her. i wish i was more normal. just being autistic was not so bad before the deaths and without the weird bleakness the deaths put in me. i liked being autistic even. i was really smart. physically fit, and precise about maintaining my body. then started getting sexually mature and lots of boys even thought the autism was cute, and wanted me for it cause i was so innocent and inexperienced in their minds, being so socially inept and all. and because i was fit.

but that's gone now. i feel wrecked. every day is sad and ugly. don't even have the confidence or motivation to have sex with my own boyfriend, even though he tells me he loves me every day and says I'm still hot. and the autism turned from something that could be fun, to a complete inability to connect with anybody, even my closest friends, probably at a time that i need it most. i spend most of the day sleeping and playing video games, when i used to spend most of the day outdoors and happy. i need to go back outside, but my creek is dry and dead. i see it and i feel dry and dead. i care for many plants, but they struggle because of me. i water them, but they don't like the tap water like they love the rain. i feel sour and dry. i don't know how i lost my energy. i used to be so alive. now every day i think of the death and of the bad scary things from childhood that i thought i was done with. then i feel too tired to move. every day is fear. every day is remembering the stuff that have shaped me into such a nonfunctional, s**t person. every day is a reminder that i'm just getting older, and still going nowhere. i just do the same nothing every day. its so hard leaving the comfort and safety of my boyfriend's family house when all i've known is fear and everything has gotten scary again all the sudden. i have to get out or i will start to get sick. i know i have to. i feel disgusting for not having done it already. i don't know what is so wrong with me that i know what to do, and i still do nothing. going to the grocery store just two blocks away used to be fun for me. but even that is now something i have to force myself to do. what happened to me.

To the OP. Life is not fear, but it is absolutely without meaning. My life and yours. Death reminds us of this, sometimes.
In our darkest most depressed states, we know this is true.
There is an enlightenment during these times. When and if the depression lifts, we can remember the truth our depression made us aware of.
Depression is not a true state, though it can teach us truth.
The truth is not that we should be depressed and life should not be lived.
Meaninglessness does not mean life should not be lived, or lived in abject misery.
The fear, your write about is, is fear of no self. Death and depression have alerted you to this.
Dissolution of ego is the fear.
Necessity of ego is the illusion.
Preserving the illusion of ego became the fearful obsession.
It is ok to live without meaning, if meaning is no longer needed.
It is freeing.

I'm sorry you lost your best friend. He/she must have had a solidifying effect upon your life....and the tragedy of your friend passing away so young inevitably affected you as well.

It's hard to see the forest for the trees amid a bleak winter environment. Yes, this can cause sadness, too.

My impression is that you have lots of solid substance in you, and have enough strength to endure these setbacks, learn from them, and proceed in life.

Have you any special interests.

Shai-hulud, could you ask your boyfriend to make an appointment with your physician or with a mental health professional, and then go to the first appointment with you? Often these things are easier, and also more productive, if you have a trusted friend or relative go with you.

The big change in your personality and experiences from before the deaths, to after the deaths, suggests that a disorder has come upon you (probably depression, or a mixture of depression and anxiety) that is not part of your normal personality. Don't be a victim of this. Get help.

I don't know you well enough to comment on your own experiences, but I know losing someone is a perspective changing shock.

My mother passed away a couple of years ago, and what hit me was the utter pointlessness of so many things, with a weariness of so many of the petty things many people do.

I think I am coming out of it slowly, but it has realigned my perspective, in some ways for good, some not.

You can improve if that's what you want, but you may need to reach out for help. Not always an easy thing for us to do.