Is my aunt lying about my grandad? if so, why?

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My grandfather has alzheimers and recently his wife - my grandmother - died. She was his carer since he was diagnosed and until the day she died.

My aunt stayed with my grandad for a week as a temporary carer and during that time, she told us about a time when she was looking for a pair of sewing scissors and grandad found them. I think he was trying to use them to cut his toenails. Anyway, she was concerned that he might hurt himself so she asked him for the scissors back and he was about to hand them over with the blades facing her. To the best of my recollection, she had to remind him that is not how to pass over a pair of scissors and they way she told the story, he jokingly said he might stab her with them, in his usual joking manner. She never said that he credibly threatened her and seemed to recall the encounter in a humorous light.

Granted, I believe that it is possible that maybe she was in denial about his behaviour and impulsiveness. Afterall, he has become more impulsive and careless since his diagnosis and my grandmother said that he would sometimes lose his temper with her. That being said, he still remains very patient and quiet most of the time and my Grand, by contrast, was constantly shouting at him (carer's fatigue, I guess). My aunt also has a tendency towards hyperbole, for example she's a chronic hypochondriac. Though she has legitimate health issues (especially recently) it seems that she suddenly becomes ill either when something stressful is happening or somebody else is very ill. When my mother was suffering from kidney failure, suddenly her fibromyalgia was acting up and then when my mum had her transplant, her fibromyalgia was not so bad. She also took her prozac in public (which is fine) but then proceeded to go on about how great it was and how it's really helping her. I've been on citalopram for about 6 years and I've never done that. She has also made a lot of spurious claims about people, particularly people in my family and how they've treated her when she seemed to have misinterpreted everything.

That isn't to say that none of her claims are accurate or that she isn't genuinely ill. I just think she has a proclivity towards drama at times and can be a tad paranoid.

Recently, my mother and her siblings were chatting on facebook to discuss my gran's will and my grandad's care and, as per usual, they can't be adults and sort anything properly. My oldest aunt (the one we were just mentioning) made this outrageous accusation that, in actual fact, Grandad was purposefully trying to intimidate her with the scissors and that she had to calm him down "before things got ugly". He's 84. He has arthritis. He has low blood pressure, diabetes and dementia! She is more of a danger to him than he is to her, for f**k's sake! And like I said, she told us a very different story when she was staying over.

Also, I call BS because I stayed with him on my own for two nights and the only thing I was worried about was him hurting himself at night. Otherwise, he never raised his voice or lost his temper. He did once when his brother came and made him feel like a stranger in his own house, but he loses his temper in such a subtle way, it's barely noticeable.

She also said that she would never let her children stay overnight in that house ever again after the time he accidentally wandered into the room that they were sleeping in (the one that is normally his room). She seems to be implying that he's a sexual predator just because he wandered into their room. For f**k's sake, I LIVED with him for two years! Granted, it was before alzheimers, but not once has he ever harmed me or my sister. He stayed overnight on Christmas and he only got up to go to the toilet. My grandad may not be the man he used to be, but he's still a gentleman and I'm furious that my aunt is assassinating his character like this when he can't defend himself.

And what really gets me is that even though she makes these accusations, she still goes on facebook and talks about how she wishes she could see her dad and spend more time with him. Why not be honest and say that you don't feel safe around him? That's what she tells us, now that she's back home miles and miles away.

The worst thing is that I don't want to not believe her, but she really is like the boy who cried wolf. She has a history of hyperbole and pathological dishonesty, with a flair for drama and paranoia. I don't want to not believe her incase she is right, but because of my experiences, her past behaviours and the testimonies of others, I just can't believe her.

You're dealing with several issues here. First, sorry you lost your grandmother and sorry your grandfather has alzheimer's.
The thing about alzheimer's is that it steals away the person you knew until there is nothing left. I don't know about this scissor incident specifically, but I can tell you that alzheimer patients can turn violent quite suddenly and for no specific reason. It's not a character flaw, it's part of the disease.
Regarding your aunt, from your description, she seems to be a bit of an attention seeker. But having said that, it is a heavy burden to be a caregiver for an aging parent.
Is your family going to get professional care for him?

I am aware that alzheimers can drastically change a person and make them turn violent, but he's never been violent when he was with me or my my mum or my uncle. Today I saw him and he did get frustrated and upset, but he never raised his voice. He sincerely believes that he has young children that are being left on their own and he wants to look after them. If I were him and I sincerely believed that my children were abandoned, I'd be shouting and screaming at people to get me out. That's just not him. He is more impulsive and careless, but so far not a danger to anyone but himself. I'm not saying it could never happen, but I am saying that he has had every reason to go ballistic and hasn't. Plus, again, he's 84 and very weak and vulnerable. He couldn't hurt us if he tried.

Like I said, my aunt told the story very differently the first time. She's saying this now because she doesn't want my mum to be a carer for my grandad. She reckons he's better off in the home he's currently in and that my mum would be too ill and too tired to care for him herself. Plus, she doesn't want her to give up her job. So I understand why she might exaggerate in order to save my mum the grief. That being said, I'm very disappointed in how she decided to go down the "dad is a violent crazed maniac" route.

Right now he is being assessed by a mental health team while he stays in a care home for a month. They're going to see how much he is affected by his condition and if he could receive care in the community or stay in the home. My mum might see his CPN to see what options there are. Personally, I am somewhat opposed to my mum giving up her job to be a full time carer, however my grandad hates the home and wants to be with his family. He seems to recognise mum as family and me and he told us today that he wants to live with us.

There never is an ideal option, is there?

As your aunt was in the carer role at the time, it is possible that the situation was more stressful than usual and your Grandfather more agitated.


There really isn't. I think that it is often people's instinct to care for their family member themselves, but practically, it's not always possible. It sounds like your Grandfather's is blessed with the love of his family, which is something to be grateful for.