I think I had one of my meltdowns today, like an aspergers meltdown. I have had constant triggers over the past few weeks and I started crying at work. They let me leave and told me they would call my manager for me to let her know I was leaving early. One girl(friend of mine) promised to call me later to make sure I was ok and that she wanted to have coffee the next day.
Later my boss texted me angrily because I did not call her and someone else did for me, so I freaked out and cried harder than I have in awhile, like screaming and gagging. I sounded like my family had just all died or something, like rabid crying. It scared me to do that. I found out later I am not in trouble but once again I made people angry at me and now people will continue to dislike me more and more.
No one really likes me anymore, that girl did not text me instead she got drunk and forgot about me.
I constantly feel alone and inadequate, so my triggers come from situations I perceive as either a testament to either how alone I really am, or how pathetic I really am mentally emotionally and physically.
I doubt she will remember coffee tomorrow, for someone who claims to think of me as a younger brother she never is around when I need her the most or always forgets things related to me.
I scratched my arm again today too(my method of coping), which on occasion breaks skin but mostly stings bad and leaves big marks.
I want someone to care, more importantly I want to find a way where I don't need people to care. Like I can live alone in peace rather than try and fail at companionship and love.
22 Jan 2016, 11:04 pm
