Accepting That People Move On

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I've never really done anything like this before, because I've been taught that it's better to mask your pain or to be strong, which I'm not strong.. I don't think I've ever been strong. But people would tell me that I was, because I wouldn't speak up about bullying when I was a kid or abuse at home.. I wouldn't even talk about my father's death, when I was 8 years old, because my dad had told my brother and I that we weren't supposed to cry. And it wasn't until about 3 years ago, that I really started to speak of anything that was going on in my head. And once I did start talking, I lost some people in my life.

The best way that I can put it... I grew up in an abusive environment. And my mother always leaned on me.. The older I got, the worse it got. She was completely unwilling to help me with anything. She didn't care if I got through school.. She didn't care when I was sick.. When I was being abused... She would either turn her back on it, or punish me for it, depending on her own mental stability, at the time.. She even punished me for getting head lice when I was a kid, refused to do anything about it, and punished me further, when she ended up getting it, too. My neighbor is actually the one who took care of that for me..

My friendships that I developed when I was older... It always seemed to be about the fact that I was a "good listener". I think that these people enjoyed that I never had much to say.. because they liked to talk about themselves, especially when they had problems.. Looking back, I'm not sure that they ever really knew me or cared to know me.. But I did know them and cared to know them.

But this just feels like this repeat pattern that has left me feeling worthless... I get overwhelmed with anxiety sometimes, thinking about these events in which these people walked out of my life... trying to make sense out of it..

I've actually gotten used to people walking out of my life when I start to speak now... And these people rarely have any impact on me..

The first big one was a friend that I'd had for about 5 years... Every time she was even a little bit upset, I could sense it without her having to say anything, and be right there for her, listening. And she would tell me that I was her best friend.. That she loved me.. And I did care for her a lot.. But I'd never talk about my problems because I didn't want to burden her, and I've always had this fear of people knowing what goes on inside my head... But when my grandpa passed away 3 years ago.. She was with me when I found out. And I didn't show any emotion on the outside.. I'm not even sure it had actually hit me, at that point.. But out of all of my family, he was the only one that I ever felt close to.. The only adult relative that I'd had that I could actually go to as a kid... And he was just gone... But the next day, she had gotten off work, and was telling me what a bad day she'd had... and I sat quietly, while she talked.. but I didn't really have the ability to give her my attention, because it was all on my grandpa... And then she'd asked me to watch a movie with her, and I told her that I just felt I really needed to go to bed.. And she said, "Well, alright, then. Goodnight." And that's the last that she has ever spoken to me. Before that night, she'd never been anything but nice and sweet to me, which was very rare for me... Most people, even my friends, had always been pretty mean to me.. But she never was.. And on top of that, I heard a lot of the things that she had said about me.. I'm not sure if I should believe those things as she didn't say them directly to me... But I had even tried writing to her, since she wouldn't speak to me, telling her that I was hurt by all of that... and tried explaining why. And she never did bother to respond.

And then... My best friend of 13 years... He was like a brother to me.. He ended up in a relationship with a girl that he knew for about 2 weeks.. And I ended up having a disagreement with her.. And I spoke to her about it. It was a problem in the way that she was treating me, and I felt that I needed to take up for myself. I didn't think there would be a problem with that. But she went to him, telling him that I was mean and scary. And that was the end of my friendship with him. Neither of them wanted anything to do with me, after that. They are still together.. so the relationship must be working out great for them.. But I don't understand why he was fine with her treating me the way that she was... Which is the craziest part.. He and I had talked about how she was treating me before I spoke to her, and he agreed that it wasn't okay and that I should talk to her, if I felt I needed to. But once I did talk to her, I was in the wrong. I don't even know exactly what she had told him, but he wasn't interested in hearing my side. And now it's been 2 years since we have spoken.

My mother... I kind of expected this one.. I left home at 15 because I couldn't stand being in that house anymore.. And we went for about 10 years without any contact. We've talked off and on since she's been back in my life.. But one night, she started to cry about how distant I am with her.. and how she doesn't feel like I care about her... So.. I decided to explain to her that it has more to do with things like fear, anxiety, and not feeling like we've ever had a relationship, which we haven't.. I brought up some things from the past and explained that they've never been discussed.. And she yelled all sorts of things at me.. Told me that I'm depressed and I need help.. That she can't help me. And that was it.. This was about a year ago..

I could sit here all day, and list smaller scale instances where this has happened... But those are the three that cause me the most anxiety and make me feel like I don't even deserve to be on this planet. I only have two people in my life who I feel really care about me.. That I feel close to... And these things that have happened make me feel like it's only a matter of time before they leave me confused and hurt, too. It seems that the second I show any sign of being hurt by someone, people just leave. They seem to think it's easier to leave than to talk out any issues.

The other reason that this really bothers me is that I mess up a lot. I'm always saying and doing the wrong things.. And I feel like I spend a lot of time and effort apologizing for those things and trying to make them right. So it makes it feel even more unfair that others don't care enough about me to do the same.

I do know that the way that I speak and look at people.. my mannerisms... All of that seems to put people off.. And I can imagine how people view me when I'm upset, because I know how horrible my voice sounds and that people don't really like the honesty that goes into those words.. And that I should probably learn to take up for myself more, because, especially in the situation with my mom, there was already years of hurt there that had never been spoken about... and I understand how that can be overwhelming.. But I also barely got to speak about any of it.. I think maybe she was afraid that I was going to.. and I probably would have, had she been open to the discussion.. Because there are a lot of things I would like to understand..

But I'm not really looking for advice on how to fix any of that... or how to speak better, right now.. I don't feel I can fix any of that... And I have been aware for quite some time that my social skills need serious work, and I have been working on that.. It's just a really slow process that I'll probably always be struggling with...

What I really want to know is how you're just supposed to breathe and let it go.. Because it seems so easy for so many people to just cut people out of their lives and not look back... I feel like there's some sort of secret method to this, that I'm missing.. I've tried meditation and teas and redirecting my thoughts... Every type of exercise I've found on the internet, I've tried.. But these thoughts enter my mind several times a day. I think that if at least one person would turn around, and make an effort with me.. Let me know that I mattered to them.. That I could somehow be better.. But I know that I can't rely on that. I can't control another person's actions.. only my own.

This all seems to interfere with my sleep, work, relationships.. enjoying other things.. And I actually do appreciate the good things in my life.. But I would like to be able to enjoy them a lot more.. without all of these thoughts of worthlessness.. without sitting around waiting for the next person to do this, too.. I feel, at this point, that someone would have to stick around til I'm dead to prove to me that they're serious about being my friend.. And it shouldn't be that way.. I should be able to trust the people that I'm close to.. And not let these thoughts get in my way.


I have meltdowns over it... I lay down to sleep sometimes, and it just takes over completely.. I even get suicidal thoughts of it.. which is why I find it better to stay awake and keep myself occupied when I feel like this, because the suicidal thoughts seem to come mostly when I lay down in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts running through my mind..

I've tried telling myself that none of these people were worth all of this hurt.. But I think they were. I do think that I'm the problem... that if it keeps happening, I must deserve it.

But if anyone has any advice on how you just accept it and move on... I'm all out of ideas, myself..

Fair play on letting all of this out!

For me its like the grieving process, acceptance plus the passage of time. Its not just the loss of friend/relationships, its the loss of a previously held belief that the experience was real/genuine too.

These thoughts and feelings have to be experienced because they are one aspect of moving forward. You cant undo the experiences, or the sense of wrongness about it all, because it was wrong, it should not have happened, but, with enough time to heal you might reach a point of feeling indifference when you are reminded of what has been.

Mindfulness could be quite useful for you, have you tried it before?

I agree that writing it out does help a lot. It takes a while to process those times that had such an effect on you growing up. Over time, you may find a way to make peace with what was so it won't color your current reality. It's not about cutting people out as much as understanding your worth (which I guarantee is greater than you think).

<Hugs>

Thank you both very much.

I was shaking as I wrote it. I just instantly assume that I'm a bad person and that I deserve it, even when I can't make sense out of where I went wrong. Or what I did that was so bad. In situations where I do understand, it hurts, but I find it doesn't give me so much anxiety.. It just hurts and slowly starts to heal over time.. I feel like the situations that I don't understand are going to make me feel this way forever. I hope not..

I have tried several types of meditation, but I'm not certain if I've tried this one or not.. So I will give it a try today, and see how it goes. Thanks for the advice.

-hugs-