So sick and tired of anxiety, and of my parents

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[A little intro, since I haven't posted on here in a while. My name is Hannah, I'm 28 years old, and in addition to Asperger's Syndrome, I also have social anxiety, general anxiety disorder, selective mutism, hypochondria, dermatillomania, depression, and suicidal ideation. I live with my parents and I have a small part-time work-from-home job and am also on SSI, though those two things don't give me much of an income at all.]

So, lately, my anxiety has gotten overwhelming, to the point where I can't do much of anything most days without my anxiety getting triggered. And this, in turn, is due in large part to my parents, especially my mother. She's always been incredibly controlling of me, not in a mean way, but in a "she's so worried about me that she wants to try to prevent me from any sort of harm" way. And her controlling behavior is also due, in part, to her needing to manage her own anxiety issues. How does she control me, you ask? Well...

--She has told me that I'm not allowed to try any new meds right now, since the last time I tried new meds, I freaked her out due to all of my worrying about side effects. This, in turn, means that I'm stuck taking 10 mg of Paxil, which doesn't even help me much at all. (And increasing my dosage just causes me tons of unpleasant side effects.)

--She has told me that I'm not allowed to talk about her or my father with people online (so I guess this post in and of itself is against her rules), since she doesn't want anyone to think badly of her.

--She has told me that it makes her uncomfortable when I talk about her with my therapist. (Now, I'm afraid to talk about her with my therapist anymore, since the last thing I want is to intentionally anger my mom.)

--She has told me that she really doesn't want me to try vlogging, since she doesn't want complete strangers to see our house, nor do she and my dad want to be part of a vlog. So they squashed that dream of mine.

--She thinks it's wrong for me to ever skip meals, even when I'm feeling too anxious (and nauseous) to eat much of anything. This, in turn, has led to my acid reflux being worse than it has to be, since I often force myself to eat a full meal when I feel nauseous, and that just causes me to have a horrible reflux flare-up. She also is really pushy about eating in general, and she thinks that food is the solution to all of life's problems, and I've developed overeating problems as a result of her pushing that view on me.

I really wish I could move out, but it's just not feasible for me right now, since the cost of living here in Massachusetts is so damned high. Nor can I find a group housing program that I feel comfortable with, and that's willing to take in a person with as many problems as I have (and trust me, I've looked at quite a few). So I really feel stuck living with my parents, and that's just making my anxiety so much worse than it needs to be.

Any advice?

You're 28. Tell your mother to mind her own freaking business, already. You've got to stick up for yourself before you'll ever be able to be independent.

You get to decide what meds to take, whom to talk with about your family, when and what you're going to eat, etc.

She cannot prevent you from doing those things, so why are you letting her? I don't care if she has a crying fit, a temper tantrum, tries to make you feel guilty, whatever. It's all controlling behavior and is designed to keep you doing what she wants. Stand up for yourself, and ignore her reaction.

Do you want to be living there when you're 40? Get yourself the meds you need to get the heck out of there!

Boston is super expensive, and for an aspie like, say, myself, who needs at least an efficiency apt since I can't stand living with other people who I don't know always invading my personal space, such a city is simply undoable in terms of moving out.

That said, you do need to stand up to your parents a bit. You need to tell your mom that you can and will say whatever you like to your therapist, and leave it at that. Therapists are bound by strict confidentiality rules, so if you tell your therapist not to talk to your mom, your therapist HAS to do as you say.

As for vlogging, you don't have to do like Chris Chan and give video tours of your house, indeed you really shouldn't. You can always do videos with some neutral background behind you like a large bedsheet. Or you could try blogging with just text instead of video.

As for talking about her online, she doesn't have to know, you really shouldn't tell names of people you are talking about online anyway, you can use initials or something and simply not tell her what sites you are on.

You do need to tell her that you need to try different meds until you find one that helps, and she needs to accept that.

As for food, you need to tell her that you will not eat if you feel sick, and that it isn't a commentary on her or her cooking, but that you are sick right then and you will get sicker if you eat. It sounds like your parents are from a country like Italy or France where everything revolves around food, and all social situations are based on food.

I have a mom who is similar to yours in that she always wanted to "protect" me, I was a very sickly baby and I think she still feels guilt over having had such an ill child and still views me as that sick little infant who must be protected. I've had to fight her all through my adulthood, and I'm 41!

Yayyyyyyyyyyy!! !! !! I'm so happy you came back, Hannah! Welcome back!

I'm not an expert on advice, so please disregard what I'm saying if you think it won't work.

First, it's totally understandable why you feel this way. Certainly at your age, you don't want your parents hanging over you, and being overprotective. If you can, try to talk to your mum about this. Tell her why you think you might need new meds etc., and then e.g. maybe go to your doctor and tell them about your anxiety and they might be able to prescribe a new med to you.

I hope think will work out for you.

Hugs