Does this ever happen to anybody else?

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I was only diagnosed in 2014 with AS and since then I have only read the works of professional clinicians. Wrong Planet is my first experience of the ASD point of view (aside from anecdotes and quotations in said works) and to the best of my knowledge I have never met anyone whom I knew for certain was an Aspie, so my questions may sound naïve. I came across this post on another Aspie website on the topic of anger:

“Inability to express yourself can also lead to rage, because there’s no outlet for your anger. Also, we aspies have a low frustration level and experience emotions intensely, and rage is one of those emotions. I read or hear about something someone did, and immediately I think it’s going to be done to me, that I’m the next victim. I run the scenario in my head repeatedly and obsessively, the way only aspies can. You do it to me, you bastard, you better watch out for what I’m going to do to you right back. I keep thinking of ways to get revenge for something that hasn’t happened to me and is as likely to happen to me as getting struck by lightening. Still I pace the room, flapping my fingers while thoughts race through my head and my anger builds.”

The writer of the above quotation must have had CCTV in my apartment and a direct line into my brain, because this happens to me ALL THE TIME, many times a day. This is so perfect an expression of my experience that I could not possibly improve on it (and due to alexithymia, or whatever, I don’t really think I could describe it at all). My questions is, does anyone else out there experience this the way the writer and I do, and as frequently as I do? I guess that I am looking for validation that I am not the only Aspie (other than the quoted writer) who experiences this and am not alone in experiencing it.

Except for the part about flapping his fingers and pacing the room, it closely describes my reactions.

Yes. I call this the "scenario machine". I am constantly plotting revenge for things that never happened and most likely never will. It occupies a very large part of my conscious thought. It typically involves either deep betrayal by someone I trust, someone disrespecting me in a way I cannot allow to go unpunished, or someone hurting my loved ones or pet. It always goes very far down the line, the things I'd plan to do, how I'd do them, how I'd try to get away with it etc, etc. and it's always very violent. I've never once acted on any of this, or had to, but I think about it all the time. Almost literally ALL the time. This line of thinking combined with self-hatred take up about 90-95% of my thoughts.

I've never acted on any of it either. I am sorry that you have to deal with self-hatred. I had to deal with it all the time when I was a child and right into my 20s. I'm 61 now, and I have thankfully grown out of the self-hatred but the "scenario machine" (an excellent name for it!) just keeps on cranking out the imaginary revenge fantasies for imaginary received injuries non-stop. I am also diagnosed with clinical depression. Was it Tony Attwood who said that he's never met an Aspie who wasn't depressed? I do have one additional question: is the "scenario machine" typical of AS? More specifically, is it
(a) a symptom of autism?
(b) a symptom of depression?
(c) all of the above?
When I was a child I was always plotting revenge upon those who bullied me in the real world. If I understand it correctly, that is typical of AS. But the "scenario machine" is different--things that have never happened and are unlikely to happen. Are both typical of AS?

Let me clarify a few things.

I have never been formally diagnosed with any psychiatric condition. Mine is a relatively typical story of a 30's+ self-diagnosed person. I am not very well at all on the subject. However based on the basic reading I have done, the reading of the thoughts/experiences of other diagnosed people here, and marginally useful self-tests, I've concluded I am likely ASD 1. I also believe I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. In fact, if it could only be one, it'd be BPD because the criteria is a checklist for me all the way down the line. I've understood it can be both. But again, I'm not diagnosed, nor very well read in the subject. Just to give you a clear perspective of where the experiences come from.

And for me, I've concluded it has to be BPD for me that fuels "the machine". Don't know what fuel yours runs on. I'm not sure if it's typical of ASD.

Thanks for your reply. I asked beakybird what I am about to ask you, but he seems to be unsure of his diagnosis (he has not been clinically assessed). So I would like to ask you. (Maybe also I ought to turn it into a separate thread in the Haven forum.) At 61 I keep on cranking out the imaginary revenge fantasies for imaginary received injuries non-stop. I am also diagnosed with clinical depression. I cannot now remember if it was Tony Attwood who said that he's never met an Aspie who wasn't depressed? This is my question: is the behaviour I describe typical of AS? More specifically, is it
(a) a symptom of autism?
(b) a symptom of depression?
(c) all of the above?
When I was a child I was always plotting revenge upon those who bullied me in the real world. If I understand it correctly, that is typical of AS. But this behaviour is different--things that have never happened and are unlikely to happen. Are both typical of AS? (My apologies for all the duplications in this thread but I am desperate for input.)

I have autism, level one, but I have not had this "scenario machine" revenge fantasy obsession you describe. It really does sound like an obsession, especially if it occupies a large part of your mental function.

Possibly meds could help? You could also discuss it with a psychiatrist.

I'm not about to launch any CBT on your head, but imagine how much more pleasant life could be if you didn't plan your course of action against an injustice that never happened... if you could just drink in the beauty and interest that surround all of us (even those living in London), and enjoy the novel things about people you meet, and laugh at life.
As a practical matter, learning to attend to productive or happy thoughts is a really valuable exercise.

Edited to add: By the way, I'm 61, too.

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, I cannot imagine how much more pleasant life would be. These "scenario rage" thoughts seem to have a will and a life of their own. I don't consciously plan anything. My thoughts just run away on their own trajectory. I try to bring myself back into the moment, but then a second later (or less) my thoughts are running away on their own again. You're lucky if you can enjoy life as you have described it, and I envy you that ability. My psychiatrist did fill me up with so many and so strong antidepressants that I not longer felt depressed, but all this accomplished was me walking around groggy in a stupor all the time and I could accomplish nothing, much less see the beauty of life. Drug the problems away. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, I was just drugged. Walking around in a semi-conscious haze is not my idea of living, so I (rightly or wrongly) stopped taking the antidepressants. Autism does not exist in a vacuum, as I am sure you know. Extraneous variables impact on it. For example, I live in extreme poverty and my housing subsidies are threatened by government cuts, and I could very well lose my housing this year. I have nowhere else to go. I hate living under neoliberalism (something I cannot change and therefore must remain at the mercy of). Those of us who fall through the cracks are treated like expendable garbage. I also have AIDS and while the virus is completely suppressed (which I do acknowledge is a good thing) my body is groaning under the weight of the horrendous side-effects of the chemotherapy (no less than 7 anti-HIV medications plus drugs to counter the side effects of those medications, which in turn have their own side-effects), which are cumulative. The beauty and interest that surround all of us in life are very far from my experience. And my mind/body dichotomy appears to be written in stone. My mind seems to have a will all its own completely independent of my sensory experiences. I have read that anger is symptomatic/typical of ASD but my question (or rather one of a number of questions), besides (a), (b) and (c) in my earlier post, is this "scenario rage" symptomatic/typical of ASD? And there is an intersectionality between ASD and OCD is there not? And OCD can extend to thoughts and even comprise thoughts alone, can it not? I have not been on WP very long, and one of the main reasons I joined is I want more than anything to try to understand my autism, to say the very least. It does not help that I am easily frustrated and feel that I have no answers. I am sorry if I duplicate my posts, but please if anyone out there on WP knows anything about "scenario rage" and can help to answer my questions about it, any professional, any parent of an autistic child, any person with ASD (especially if you yourself experience it or are familiar with it in another), I would very much like to hear from you.

The scenario machine,lol, some triggers get that running again, but I don't known about revenge, isn't that nt-ish ?
I can't be bothered doing something for that stupid reason.
(I encountered once someone who told me I was acting the way I did to harm him. How? I didn't know him to begin with, so how could that be, but it showed his reasoning for that matter)
And I think the best revenge you can take is to keep on living and going on your way.

Probably it's heavy externalising at work.
The internal dialogue and ego are blocking any other views than the one that was initially adopted, but that can't be constructive in the long run.

Thank you so very kindly for your reply. I do not believe you quite understand the total LACK OF CONTROL I have over these "scenario" fantasies. You address me as if I do these things for reasons, conscious reasons. I will admit to being a rationalist but from that perspective, reason seems to have little or nothing to do with the experience. I do not know what "heavy externalising" is. I have read as many sources on autism by professional clinicians as I can and am continuing to do so. But I have yet to meet with these terms that you use, which appear to be technical terminology. Since I am committed to reading more on autism, I will hopefully run into these terms and learn their meaning. I agree that it is not constructive, but if in fact "internal dialogue and ego are blocking any other views than the one that was initially adopted", I have no idea how to control either of these things. Do you mean the Freudian ego? Or ego as egocentric? Because I am not an egocentric person, I am in fact utterly self-deprecating. As I wrote before, I try to bring myself back into the present moment, but less than a nanosecond later my thoughts are running off with a life all their own and over which I have no control. Why do you act as if I had a choice in all this when the moment I grab the steering wheel it is ripped from my hands again and I am overwhelmed? After this overwhelm, I try again to grab the steering wheel, but it is only ripped from my hands again and the whole things starts over. And over and over and over again. Ad infinitum.

You write that revenge is NTish. This only confuses me even more, because the Aspie I quoted writes "I run the scenario in my head repeatedly and obsessively, the way only aspies can. You do it to me, you bastard, you better watch out for what I’m going to do to you right back. I keep thinking of ways to get revenge for something that hasn’t happened to me and is as likely to happen to me as getting struck by lightening. Still I pace the room, flapping my fingers while thoughts race through my head and my anger builds.” And this and other experiences of the "scenario" are not the only testimonies I have encountered, so far every clinician and professional I have ever read has much to say on Aspie revenge, both that plotted against real people for wrongs received and the "scenario" variety. There is actually a lot of clinical material on Aspie revenge. In both cases, "scenario" and real, what I have read on Aspie revenge indicates that revenge is confined to the realm of fantasy. I myself have these fantasies but never ever act on them or let others even know of their existence (this forum is the first time I have revealed them to anyone). So I don't understand, why on earth do you say it is NTish? I do not understand the contradiction. And I am desperate, desperate, desperate, DESPERATE to UNDERSTAND my autism, and the contradictions make that impossible and even more frustrating. As for your advice, generous of you and kindly received, "I think the best revenge you can take is to keep on living and going on your way", with all due respect it is completely unintelligible to me. I do not have even the very first idea of how I could implement that advice, since I do not experience any of this as a choice. My goal right now is NOT how to "deal" directly with the scenario; my goal is to UNDERSTAND it. Speaking strictly from my own experience, I can only deal with it if I can understand it first. Can your resolve the contradiction between what you say about revenge (it's NT) and what clinicians and other Aspies say about revenge (it's autism)?

In a related matter (and one I can very much relate to) I heard an interview on the radio of the parents of a man with OCD who sadly committed suicide as a result of the way he was challenged. His parents said that clinicians told them their son had "pure O", which is as OCD as one can possibly get. The parents quoted how their son described his OCD to them. He said. "I feel as though I am being raped by my thoughts." THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM BEING RAPED BY MY THOUGHTS. Volition has nothing to do with it. So (while I greatly appreciate anything anyone has to say to me about my experience) I do not understand how I am supposed to put into practice the well-meaning but unintelligible advice to "love life" and "move on" as at least two people on this forum have urged me to do when I do not understand what is happening to me or why it is happening to me.

My own two cents on this, as someone with a very similar issue to the one you described originally, is to expend less of your energy trying to attribute blame to which condition is causing it and focus on strategies to help you live with this better or try to lessen it. Whether it's an aspie trait or not is somewhat irrelevant here for the purposes of your life. What's relevant is how you cope with the issue in a practical way. Sometimes this is trying to eliminate undesired thoughts, and sometimes it's conceding you're just going to have to live with it and figuring out how to best do so.

There's obviously tons of value in a clinician's observations. Understanding diagnosis and recognized therapy techniques are exceedingly valuable. But when dealing with an individual (you) with an individual set of issues (multiple diagnosis, life experiences, real life troubles) you also have to remember that it's not black and white. Precise definitions are less important than the end goal, which should be your improved happiness and/or contentment.

Oh my god yes!! ! I do this ALL the time. Sometimes I do it for 4-5 days continuously (except when I'm sleeping). Thank you for posting this. I never knew this was part of Aspergers... Thanks again!! ! There was a big "AH HA" moment when I found out I was on the spectrum, and this is another big AH HA moment.

I rehearse and repeat stuff I'm going to say when the event does happen. Sometimes my mouth starts moving as if I'm actually saying it out loud without me realizing that my mouth is moving. It starts as soon as I wake up and it takes me 1-2 hours to fall asleep, so I do it for like 12 hours a day. It takes about 5 days for me to move on. This whole conflict is all made up in my mind, but to me it seems like it will 100% happen in the future or near future and I'm preparing for it. I do this while I'm at work, or driving, or eating. I remember this one incident from last year which lasted for 2 freaking months. Every night I would would feel very weak, because it is very energy draining.

I have noticed that I'm doing this less now than before. Before it would be a minimum of 5 days. Now it's 3 days or so. After that 2 month long ordeal it occurred to me what in the hell did I do all that for? So now as soon as I catch myself doing it I try to think of something else.

Thanks a 3rd time for posting this. I never would have connected it to Aspergers. Now that I know it's an aspie trait I can easily brush it aside when I catch myself doing it.