30 and feeling really lost and lonely

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So I've somehow managed to make it to age 30 without ever having a "real" friend (as in, someone I can freely hang out with and talk to). I just can't talk. I can't tell a story. I can't carry a conversation. A lot of times I think I have something to say, and then I open my mouth and my mind goes blank and I end up muttering gibberish. This happened often enough that I became self-conscious, so I ended up avoiding people. I didn't grow up speaking English, and although I also spoke poorly in my native language (still do) it just makes me even more self-conscious about talking to people. Also, people always say "what?" after I say something, and I still can't figure out if it's because I speak too quietly or too fast, and I'm too embarrassed to ask.

I think for most of my twenties Internet "saved" me somewhat in that it gave me opportunities to socialize with people through forums, although on the other hand I wonder if I would've been better off if there were no Internet and I'd be forced to practice socializing with people in person. I haven't really been on forums lately, which I think is because it made me more depressed once I realized these people I connected with on the Internet weren't really "real" friends and that, in real life, I still felt alone. And it's the same with other distractions. I may forget about my loneliness when I'm lost in a book or a movie, but at the end of the day they're only "crutches" (if that) that take my mind off the real problem that I have to deal with probably until I die.

I do have a college degree (which took me more than four years due to lack of direction, depression, and fear of interacting with people), but I've had only jobs that only require a high school degree. They always pay a little above minimum wage, but sometimes I feel that I should be grateful I have a job at all. I think what I really want to do is something related to writing and proofreading, but because I can't say more than three sentences and still be coherent (and because I can't pass for a native English speaker) I don't think anyone will be convinced I'll know what I'm doing.

I'm writing this because I just got off work and everyone else was so happy about the weekend, while I don't have the slightest idea what I'd like to do tomorrow on Saturday. I don't have the slightest idea what I'd like to do in my life. I thought about going to new areas and playing explorer like I used to, but now it all just seems to pointless and uninteresting. All I know how to do is to exist and maybe try to survive, but more importantly I'm just so lost and so lonely it hurts.

I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely & alone. I know that feeling, it's like you think something should be there but it isn't. And without it, it's like nothing is experienced the way it should be. You move through the day without any of it becoming a part of you.

Your non-verbal expression is very articulate and intelligent. You seem like a thoughtful, introspective person. I like the cadence & pattern of your writing. I understand that the Internet is not the same as having someone - anyone - to experience living moments with, but it does allow you to interact with people at least to some superficial way. I've known a few tech writers over the years & only one of them actually had an in-person interview before being hired - the rest were all hired via agency & email (& samples of their writing/portfolios). I bring that up because once you have a job/career that doesn't require verbal interaction, you can go find it in small amounts, in accommodating venues and build from there. Try new things where the pace is slower and the focus isn't necessarily socializing verbally. And who knows, you may just find someone who also isn't a talker.

My point is that I know how loneliness hurts, but don't give up hope. Make what changes you can to shape your life around your limitations instead of trying to fit yourself into a life that may not fit. It takes time, and lots of little adjustments but there are plenty of other people like you out there.

You aren't alone. I'm over 30, and haven't had a friend since I was a teenager. And my friends in my teen years weren't "real" friends, as they didn't care about me and mistreated me at times.

I don't know how to make friends. I have a high IQ but only an associate's degree because I have difficulties with keeping track of and completing schoolwork without getting overwhelmed. I've never had anything besides a low-paying job.

I've been miserable nearly my entire life, but now that I know I have autism, I'm going to try to tackle that problem directly by working with a therapist.

You seem articulate to me, by the way, at least in your writing. Have you tried working with a therapist on these other issues? Perhaps you can improve your life by trying something new.

Like the others have said, your written English is superb. It's even more impressive that it's not your native language. Is there anyone who you can speak "normally" to? A parent or other family member?

Ive asked myself the same question about the internet before. The internet has helped me out immensely when it comes to socializing and making connections with people. On the other hand, it's allowed me to be even more avoidant than I probably should be. In the end, I think the pros far outweigh the cons for me.

It took me four or five years to get my associates degree. That definitely makes it feel like less of an accomplishment for me. Especially when I kind of just got by on my natural intelligence in a subject that was easy to me. Even worse that I really haven't done anything with it. Still, it's one of the few real world goals I set for myself and managed to achieve. That does bring me a tiny bit of pride. So I think it's still quite the accomplishment for anyone to earn a degree, no matter how long it took.

Really, you do seem to have at least a few things going for you. You have a way of effectively communicating. You have accomplished earning a degree and maintaining employment. There are many people on the spectrum who struggle with the latter. I guess the best advice I can give is to treat yourself to something this weekend if you can afford it. Even something small like your favorite snack or drink. It usually manages to cheer me up a little.

Thirty was a tough age for me as well. And really, when I look back, I wasn't truly happy until age 39 when I met and married my wife. Aspergians have it tougher in society because we are socially handicapped. But that doesn't mean that we should let that stop us. We have to be willing to fight the proverbial good fight. It may mean getting into some uncomfortable - even socially scary situations. But battles are fought and won by scared people who would rather be some place else. I met my wife on the internet. That might provide a possibility. It was the best $19.98 I ever spent. But at the risk of sounding like the "Church Lady', true fulfillment doesn't come from a spouse. Speaking as a former atheist, it comes from God. I'll leave it at that. Been to a lot of places - some I'd rather forget about. Loneliness is something we all fight. It's a bitter pill to have to swallow. But the answer to the proverbial question, "Is this all that life has to offer?" may surprise you if you look in the right place. I hope this helps.

Your written English is perfect. Are there jobs for English proofreading/editing you can apply for online?

Maybe even via something like taskrabbit, where you don't EVER have to speak to book a job?

I wished I could say something to cheer you up or to give you some hope. Instead, I just can tell you how much I understand you, and you hopefully feel less lonely then. I am in a similar situation, with no life plan. I feel I've made so many plans in the past which were unrealistic and failed. I've had partners and friends and also failed. And now I'm completely lonely, I don't belong here, I have no plans about what to do with my life. I chose a wrong academic path, cause the job I would do needs social skills which I obviously don't have, and there's no much demand por possibilities of mobility either.
And above all, I find no reason to move my ass out this couch.
Sorry, but that's how I feel. I wish we both find a way. I am sure we will. We must.

You are welcome to PM.

All the best.

*hugs*

What is your native language? If you're fluent in reading it, then one option you might consider is doing translation work from that language into English. Your written English is clearly native-speaker level, as others have already said.