Separation

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I know that for many aspies, establishing relationships is a major challenge and I'm no different. Many, many years ago, I fell in love and got married. 18 years later and with three children, the marriage is over. We are separating. It hurts like hell. I know its over and actually been over for several years. All that has happened is the relationship died slowly over time rather than any sudden end. Right now I'm comprehending the magnitude of it all, and of course, as an aspie I have all the technical and logical aspects, the forward planning and scenarios mapped out to perfection. I know exactly what will be happening, when and all of the pitfalls and risks. The only part I can't manage in this way are the emotions and feelings. They writhe and scream as they are let out to die in the psychic wilderness that is separation.

It is a matter of passing through the valley of the shadow of death. These things do sometimes kill people, but mostly it is a psychic death. Two people have told me that people have to rediscover who they are when long-term relationships end. After 18 years, I am not the same person as when I got married. I have completely forgotten myself through immersion in the life of the married family man. Parts of myself, the relationships I have with my children will remain of course, although tempered in the fire of separation, but the large extent of my old life is vanishing.

There is the empty nothingness of a dark night and the hope of a dawn that does not come.

I don't believe you've lost your "self" through being a married man.

Perhaps, you sublimated aspects of yourself in order to keep things harmonious--but you didn't LOSE these aspects.

It's quite possible, moreover, that you've actually GAINED much through being a father and a married man. That you've discovered things about yourself that you wouldn't have discovered had you stayed single.

Moreover, especially if you were a GOOD father, you fulfilled your biological prerogative to keep Homo sapiens floating.

I can understand you feeling your strong feelings about being separated. But, successfully raising children means that the marriage was SUCCESSFUL. You're not a failure, and your marriage is not a failure just because you two didn't get a long for a few years.

I feel this is a chance, now, to really delve into your individual self, and learn things as an individual, while still being a good dad to your kids.

Please don't let this separate yourself from your children.

You are not a failure. People just evolve. That's my view on it.

Its a bit like grieving the death of a loved one, but a more complicated process. Give yourself time to move through the stages of loss, let the emotions happen when appropriate, because internalizing them only prolongs the experience.

I can relate (married, kids, divorced).

You are by no means a failure, life happens. Things that are beyond our control often dictate our path.

It does get easier, the most important thing is the children and getting along with their mother and always doing what is best for the kids and not turning things into a war.

And you know something else?... A few years on and my life is better than it was before.

The time alone did me good, allowed me to reevaluate life and what I needed and wanted out of life.
You know what I realized? I had forgotten myself, I had become a zombie just trying to get through each day and make it to the next. I had put everything into trying to be the best dad I could, that I forgot about my self. I'm not going to say it was easy, because it wasn't. I had a breakdown, reached rock bottom, but that's when I knew I could fall no further, and made the decision that I wanted to be happy. I made many changes in my life, ended friendships, patched some up, I removed any toxicity from my life and put serious effort into doing everything I could to be happy.

Fast Forward >>>

I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. My kids adore me (and my partner) and we see them as much as possible. I am happy because I know who I am, I no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders because I am being true to myself. I support my partner and the kids as much as possible, but I also look out for myself. I probably still put myself last, but it makes me happy to make my family happy, and really, I don't need a lot as I feel appreciated.

Separation may be an end, but it also a beginning. It is up to you what you make of it.

Well, you only have one way to go and that is up. Use it as an opportunity to rediscover yourself.

To all who have posted, thankyou for the general support. I can't respond to each of you individually although I feel the need to do so (which I am resisting). Thorough and exhaustive communication is my rational aspie response to the need to develop communication skills and I tend to overdo it unconsciously. I digress ...

I don't regret the years of marriage and don't feel like a failure or a bad father etc. I can well imagine that many might feel this way but in my case I am more of the view that I need some Medal of Meritorious Marital Conduct, but I temper this sense of superiority because I realise I'm almost certainly kidding myself.

The situation now is that nothing is happening. The physical act of separation is still some time in the future (for practical and financial reasons) and the daily domestic relationships could not be more cordial. The politeness is incredible considering what was transpiring prior to the decision to separate. Using a meteorological analogy, its as if the blizzard came and has now passed but a deeply cold polar winter has set in with no sunlight expected for at least a season ahead. The trouble is that the cavern where I am sequestered has the frozen corpse of the long dead relationship and is cohabited by a ghostly remnant haunting me.

I write with poetic/dramatic licence and with a little too much dramatic effect but its a way for me to embody and synthesize the general emotional scrap material lying around in my mind.

I am, I believe, in a rather similar situation as yours.

I am glad that things are cordial. I don't find that to be "phoniness." I find that to be practical.

I imagine what you are feeling is how it was for my husband when I told him we were through. The difference in your case is, you haven't hooked up with the first overweight lonely broad you met on the internet, and are still with her 10 years on, without taking any time for introspection and grieving. It might be that my ex and his gal pal are star-crossed lovers, soulmates, etc., but more likely they have both settled for something that is available and not-too-bad.

I recommend you commence therapy or counseling to help you get through this adjustment time without making big mistakes. He/she need not be autism-savvy, but you can certainly share your thoughts about how autism is affecting you during this difficult time. Take time to grieve, and if you do, you will emerge stronger on the other side.

Definitely not hooking up with anyone, let alone a over-weight broad from on an online hook-up service!A fortunate feature of my autism is that I don't have the desire to be hooked up as normal people appear to have. One thing I look forward to is being alone. I am the sort who would be happy to be a hermit. My wife and kids fear that I might choose the hermit life over them.

I most certainly am taking my time and have simply banned myself from making any major decisions indefinitely. I am still living under the same roof as my estranged wife.

A new development is that I have learnt that my wife has been having an affair for the last six months or more. I strongly suspected this for some time, so the confirmation was not a source of emotional upset for me. In fact, it gave me a sense of further release from perceived obligations to my wife.

Hi Mr Jabberwocky,

I've been separated for a year and a half. Trust me, things do get better. When my husband and I first separated, I was told that something good would come of it. I didn't believe it for a second. I was an emotional disaster and thought it was just a big, huge pathetic tragedy. About two weeks or so ago when thinking about things and trying to figure stuff out, I came to the realization that I have Aspergers. Suddenly everything makes sense. I feel so much better about myself and my life. My life now is about the best it's ever been. I have an adult son with Aspergers and I wish I would have had the understanding I do now when he was growing up!

Having alone-time to just settle into your natural way of being is a definite positive to a separation. The balancing act of holding on to your sense of self but playing a role is fine for the workplace etc, its nice to come home and just exist the way you were always meant to be, I think its better for a persons health.

Let no one separate what God has put together.