I do understand where you're coming from. I think there are good and bad bits to learning and understanding more, and we probably need to take the two together.
I, too, have ended up thinking back over so many things. I'm remembering lots of social failings and starting to think "It's no wonder they didn't like me". I spent so many years blaming myself for people bullying me and not liking me, but as I developed more self-esteem I moved the blame onto other people - I realised that I didn't want to be like them, I wondered why I wanted to know these people and befriend them and then I decided that any issue was with them. Now, though none of that has really changed, I'm understanding another perspective and there's a little voice that comes back saying "It's no wonder they didn't like you. It's no wonder you can't keep friends". Those things were as true before, but since learning more about all of the parts of me that make up my autism, I feel like I've shifted the blame back to myself a little in some respects. I'm remembering so many of those occasions when I said the wrong thing, or talked about myself non-stop, or cut into a conversation at the wrong time, or stumbled over words, or couldn't work out how to do eye contact, and it's like they're all flooding in to haunt me.
However I'm also trying to look at the positive side of that. As well as the "It's no wonder...", I need to bring in "It's not your fault". I've spent my entire life trying to fit in and be 'normal', forcing myself to be in social situations and to act like everyone else, and there's now some relief to accepting that I'm not the person I've felt like I needed to force myself to be. That if I mess up, that's ok, because it's not my fault. It's part of the autism. It's okay that I walk funny. It isn't my fault that no matter how many times I try I get overwhelmed by some of the simplest tasks. It's great that I've found a way to adapt my career to suit what I've since discovered are my autistic traits - that's not a failing of me in my career as I might have thought, in fact it's an incredible achievement.
I don't think you can get rid of that bit of you that's going back through all of your past memories and experiences and showing you them in a new and more educated light. But you do need to follow that bit with forgiveness. Walk back with it and say "But that's ok, because there's a reason for it".
05 Mar 2016, 3:33 pm
