A Life Of Hiding

Post Reply New Topic

I spent the last several years of my life hiding as much as humanly possible within the shadows and on the road thinking it was because it was the only way I could treat what I thought my problems where which I thought was aspergers and my behavioral outbursts that seem uncontrollable. But that is not what problems have been and not my reasons I was hiding or angry it was because I still have anger over my abusive childhood and self loathing over being made the way I am because I still blame myself for my mother wanting nothing to me and if I could bedifferent than her and the rest of the family would love me again. I had a mother that devalued my feelings and most of the time showing me she just didn't care. I held on to all this anger hurt and rage. These years of hiding have not been from hiding from my psche stuff it because I could not face and look and begin to let go of my pas and all the abuse hurt and rage I still have. Also the amount of rejection I have expericed piled on the wholesale rejection of my family has stung and I just don't want to hurt or be angry anymore. I want to be able to face my mother and not hate her with a rageful passion. These are the true issues why I have been running not the aspies and the outburst seem to be tied to this. My prayer is for freedom. I feel so broken.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I hope you find lots of useful information, support and understanding here that will assist your healing journey.

<hugs> Distance can help sometimes. Not being in constant flux, but finding an emotional distance away from your mother or other toxic people. A thick journal or a good therapist can help, too.

I want to do something I don't know how but I want to chronicle my recovery as a way to show others that it is possible. I know somtimes when you see people who have over come a major thing in their life and all you see is them as they r today it is hard to believe that they where ever like you or the way they said they where. But if you start with someone where I am at and follow them threw their recovery and watch them as they rise out of the ashes to a new life then it is harder not to deny it. My hope would be that other people would say I can do it too.

You are here now. Attempting to go through major healing alone without support is often more of a chasm than a road. Your reactions and feelings about the past are understandable. Now you have come here to connect with others - you have torn down that wall of isolation and seen what your recovery can offer. Savour your vision of the healed you that you will learn to be. While connection is very important, healing starts from within your self; together those two forces combine in a powerful way.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. You've come to a good place and are among friends.

Much of what you say reminds me of someone I met on another forum. He had lurked there for years, hiding and in pain, but when he finally came out of the shadows and began to connect with other people, his journey to healing began. It wasn't quick and it wasn't easy, but as B19 says, his isolation was at an end.

My whole life I have wanted one thing people and love. I am afraid my hope of being around people at this point maybe impossible as I cannot seem to let anyone in because anything they do or I might perceive as rejection I loose it with racial slurs cussing or what ever I can say to get them away. This part I am afraid I have no control at the moment

I am so damage because my whole life I have wanted to know what is love friends and it has always seemed no matter what I do if i behave or not every one leaves. I become so stain by the rejection and goodbyes that I feel like I have to face the world with fits up so I don't have to hurt anymore and this outbursts of verbal abuse seems to be an out pour of it. Always wondering why? Why can you not love me or why won't people what to stand by me and see the sickness as my illness not things I do popourse though I am responsible.
I don't know where to turn or go for help because I give anything for my freedom to break out of my cage. To know what it is like to smile in the private moments instead of cry. I leave this here for me in hopes of writing and putting this out there helps me face what I have been running and finally facing it I am able to be free. I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone or be hurt I want to be free.