Break up and depressed

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Even though he leaves on terms of 'I love you' and 'maybe with therapy' I can't live with uncertainty. I must think one way or another, will there be another chance to be with you? To ever, ever think 'no, he's not coming back' is to give me so much emotional pain that I don't know what to do with. To have a mild sense of comfort even though it would be based in fantasy is to think 'maybe he will come back to me'. To switch between these 2 things, is unreal. My emotions keep flopping around all over the place like usual. I don't do anything but sit in bed; I might be out of clean underwear right now. My mental health was bad before but it's worse now. I could try checking myself into a suicide ward for longer, tell them the truth of my emotions, but in the long run, where does that get me? Nowhere. I still have to live outside of that place, outside of a hospital. I still have to get up everyday, shower, clean, cook, shop in order to stay alive, and I will still have to find ways to make real friends to find meaning in life, form real bonds that I only ever have with 1 real person who has now pushed me as far away as he possibly can from his life. There are much fewer ways of coping when there is no one to talk to about problems, no one who bond with. I can talk about problems but that doesn't mean I will feel a connection.

I feel bad for you. You are a pretty sweet person. I hope this is not one of those "revolving door" sorts of relationships. I've been through those. Not fun.

Just try to enjoy things like Nature and knowledge.

That means what you mean by 'revolving door'. He's broken up with me multiple times in moments of emotional duress. We've invariably gotten back together again only to have the same thing happen again over something different.

I was raised in an environment where yelling and swearing and having a bit of a fit was everyday behavior within the family, among all its members. People say things and do things that are surprisingly quickly forgotten and passed over. Memory is there, but the anger or hatred etc is not. That is my past, that is how I have adapted to behave. I guess it was an emotionally abusive childhood, but in very, very many ways it was not, it was rather that we had all adapted to each other's innate natures quite differently than social society does.

So I lost it a few times. This scared him. I didn't really know this until after it happened. Furthermore, I myself was scared at those times when I lost it. Now, instead of us being proper-acting adults and sitting down and saying 'Whoa, we need to fix this' we didn't talk about it. I tried to and couldn't because he was too wrapped up in the strong emotions of a couple moments so he couldn't talk about it. And me, these moments were not traumatic for me in the least. They were terrible, but I just left them behind and forgot about them. What traumatizes me is him breaking up with me when he gets scared of me because I get emotional about something.

As he was my only emotional support in an otherwise trying time mentally for me, I ended up in psyc suicide ward for 10 days, involuntarily. I lied so I could get out and get back home because I at least had internet back home. But the suicidal thoughts and planning has died down a lot.

I am now diagnosed with BPD. Ex is the person who likely has an ASD, but when I read about BPD man do I see in him the symptoms. He means the world to me and I have never wanted to break up with him throughout, that is so very stable for me. Yet he is the person who out of fear breaks up with me and then out of stubbornness sticks to his decision and now, out of wanting to stop this stupid cycle of hurting each other, he's just flat-out cut off all contact with him. He lives like 10 minute walk away. I'm banned from the store we opened together, like, he'll call the cops if I go in, he's issued me trespass warnings. But through it all he's f*****g hurting as he's doing it and doesn't want it to get that far.


Thank you for saying that I am a seemingly sweet person Kraftie. I guess maybe being on these forums I believe people when they say things like 'I feel bad for you'. (Man do I hate lies!)

If I manage to get out into nature I can be ok. I have been keeping up on my knowledge throughout though, actually. Watching a stanford lecture series on human behavior on youtube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNnIGh9g6fA

Honestly, you should go back into Nature. Unlike people, Nature can't be taken away from you.

It would not be to your advantage, at this point, to contact this person.

I've had difficult times forgetting people. I'm fortunate that nothing bad has happened to me as a result.

Please try to move on, even if your instincts tell you otherwise.

There is nothing for me without people. Life is pointless and meaningless, people are the only difference between that and not that. I have no motivation to do anything. I thought maybe it was just concentration issues, or fatigue, but no, being in the hospital psyc ward showed me that that's not the case, because as soon as I was in a situation that I did not want to be in, I 'acted right', I even managed to read 2 novels even though reading has generally been hard and not something I want to do.

My perceptions of life are all messed up given the society I live in. Instead of jumping ship to change perceptions I instead think about dying because that's just as good an option, an easier one, a better one. I just lack the willpower to do it. For a couple weeks there I didn't and I wish I had managed to die during them.

One thing for sure: there is no shortage of people.

But you have to get out there and seek out new experiences with people. You have a bit of an advantage because you are not autistic.

What enthuses you the most, even when you are down?

You have to create your own happiness. People are too selfish to create it for you.

You can't make people come back not stop them from leaving. That's a fact. Figuring out a way to live with those facts ought to be a priority for you - as the alternative is having your happiness and stability 100% in the control of others.

I can think of it that way. Believe me, I can. But then I am left being an utter and total jerk, and I don't think I would be able to fall in love thinking that way either, and then I miss out.
Perhaps this is an example of my black and white thinking.

I have been through a break up that left me devistated. I didn't eat for a week. If I wasn't at work I was reading or sleeping. Reading lets me escape because I become the character in the book and don't have to live my life. I never had someone who kept coming and going. I don't think I would let them keep coming back. I think if you want to make it work, if/when he comes back you should look into counseling, for both of you as a couple. That way you have an objective outside opinion. You seem to be very aware of your part in it. Maybe take this time to do research and find other ways to deal with your frustration. There are probably a million answers but you have to find something that will work for you. Then you are using the time to make it better next time, whether it is with him or someone else. I also agree you should try to get out. Nature helps me too. But getting out may allow you to find someone even better. You don't have to go looking for it, just be open to it. Good luck

Pretend I am end up utterly alone in this world. I would inevitably be depressed, insane. Immortality for instance is the most terrifying thing that could possibly exist to me. There would be no way out for me from that except to kill myself, which I guarantee I would do probably within a month. Other people will always be KEY for my happiness. There is no way around that, so why is this 'you can't rely on other people for happiness' thing always touted these days? It's QFT but it's just another adage that I don't understand why people don't understand it. Yes, my happiness is OBVIOUSLY in other people's control. I'm a human being, I am part of a social species. You know why we have social rules of conduct? Because we know that being as*holes and hurting other people means that other people will do the same to us and it just ends up hurting everyone.

We live interdependently as people. At what point does 'you're letting other's control your happiness' too much become a problem? It's not a problem if I instead think of it that's something that's just part of life that is unpleasant. I'm not trying to do something that's impossible.

I don't want to find someone better. I think that people who want to find someone 'better' are not still in love with someone.
I know that we need couples therapy. Right now he's in his own therapy but he seems oblivious to the fact that our communication was a serious issue and that his own therapy is not going to resolve that at all. Like, he has never done well with any sort of meaningful interpersonal relationship, he is not very open about his emotions with his friends or family, that sort of thing.

Come to think of it: it's not like he's made a clean break from you.

Whose therapy--his or yours--was he alluding to? Does he hope you start therapy?

I, myself, get scared when women express intense emotions, and do drastic things.

He was alluding to his own. I have been in therapy but god knows I need more, but I have found my local, free therapist to not be very useful. I did group therapy last fall, DBT, and I found it...interesting then more than helpful, however, of course, I was working part-time at this business my ex and I had opened still, still had him as a support. In short, I wasn't doing badly. As part of the therapy we would rate a set of a dozen or so emotions on a scale of 0-5 everyday. I usually didn't go above 2 or 3, many things sitting at 1 throughout the 20 weeks I had therapy. However, if I were to have continued doing that exercise after having ended therapy, I would be at 4s and 5s for all the negative emotions as daily life, simply due to my life circumstances changing- unable to continue working, moving, losing my car, now the complete and total absence of communication from him and the place I no longer can 'hang out' in town.



The first time he asked me leave was for a few days at christmas the one before this one. We were living together at the time. I spent 2 days in a hotel while he stayed at home. This occurred after I was talking about suicide and I asked him if he would ever kill me. I have thrown and broken a glass at one point because he was, in my mind at the time, completely ignoring my emotional needs. Another point in time I got exceptionally drunk and, I don't remember, but would not stop being exceptionally loud. He actually pushed me that evening. I have neither broken anything nor gotten drunk since either of those episodes. Him and I have gotten in fairly intense arguments though, and I've yelled during them, but because it is not a personal thing he does not react with fear. He can recognize opinion when it happens when it's about something that is not a perception of him personally.

None of the break-ups have been "clean". They have only occurred after something that has clearly set him off emotionally. A few days or a week or so before this break-up he completely flipped out on me when I told him it bothered me that he always tells me about plans he's made with his family for lunch on the few days I have time to hang out with him, rather than telling me a simple 'yes let's hang out' or 'no, not today I'm busy, I have lunch with family'. In his mind he was doing the right thing by allowing me the opportunity to say 'No, no lunch with family, spend time with me' when in my head, if I am not to be a controlling person I will never/rarely ask him to cancel plans with his family for me. (And having been accused of being abusive and having done scary/abusive actions like breaking things, yeah, I am definitely not going to start being controlling if I want to maintain the relationship!) He asked me to break up with him over this disagreement because he was so distraught (him yelling this time, well, 'yelling' over text), to which I said of course I wouldn't break up over something as trivial as this thing, to which he afterwards said he felt sad and determined. Clearly we had communication problems!

He does whatever he can to avoid conflict, however, in a relationship conflict cannot be avoided and it must be faced. I don't think he has come to that conclusion though. He knows that he's a problem in his relationships. We almost didn't even start a relationship because of that.

If it's over for good it was still worth it.

I do not know how to solve my own depression though. It's just that my own depression has been understandably heavily affected by his actions because I was building my life around his and now it's separate. We could have legally jointly owned that business-that would have been something else.

I do have a friend still in town, we had just been fighting because she was being a complete b***h about me being suicidal and, haha, I cut her off from my life for a few weeks (where have I learned that from??). But we had a good talk this afternoon, and I'm glad I'll have someone at least to spend time with every now and then.

Still, existential depression and lack of motivation will continually plague me unless I am distracted. If I were unintelligent I would be able to distract myself so much more easily, but I get so bored so easily.