Just sucky lately...no rant

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Been weird. Not as bad as some here, but unsettling nonetheless.

The wife left two weeks ago and it's really weird. One form of chaos has been replaced by another. Also, did not realize how much she did buffer the world around me.

The worst is trying to get into new routines. I am really floundering around with trying to get organized. It's almost paralyzing to realize the whole apartment is mine now and what I should do with it. There is virtually no change in anything around me. It's confusing. Not wanting to change it to keep familiarity around me. Wanting to change it to suit me better. Getting neither done.

All my earlier routines were internalized. Now, it's all over the place while I try to make my lists out. And, what list I have managed to make (4 items...woo hoo) doesn't get done on a daily basis as it should.

What's worse is my drive and focus is gone. My special zone time doesn't get here often and it's not fun. I miss that. My brain just pings around all things I should be doing, while not getting them done, because I can't prioritize at this time. All that brain bouncing and no 'zone recharge time'.

I am only getting what must be done at any given time done. And, that is not a lot.

And, to top it off, I'm stuck waiting on people to help me find a doctor. So, until that happens, having to deal with all the stress, all the confusion and all the lack of priority just sucks even more. And, I am withdrawing even more and more. I absolutely will not go outside where people are unless no other choice. At least here, I can control most of my environment. Quiet, low lights, food (Not that I eat much anyway) and liquids.

For the first time in ages and ages and ages, I have no plan. And that is driving me crazy.

You should do a Andy Warhol--and paint Campbell's Soup Cans.

The Mundane is the thing which brings you back to reality.

That happened to me when my wife's son passed away. Unfortunately, the plight of the son made me realize the utility of the Mundane.

It is tough for anyone when a partner leaves. Just have to work through it.

I tell you, I feel like a total wuss. I see some of the things people re going through here and I feel very, very inadequate if this is all I have to b***h about.

It's not so much her leaving. It's that complete change in how things are done. My routines are gone and I really am having trouble with it. I can't plan anything.

But, nothing like what I see some others going through.

It sounds like you have a good perspective on things. You realize that, in an objective sense, what you are going through is relatively minor as compared to what others are going through.

However, what you are going through should not be invalidated. Especially since you have that decent perspective on things.

I see you going through the irritation of always being sought out by the PC police. People always looking for an excuse to believe that you are uttering some racist/sexist/whatever thing when none of that was intended.

Huh? Did I put that in there somewhere?

Oh yeah...the perspective thing....yeah, that's the logic in me at work. It's always there. Was there up to the minute I tried suicide before.

I remember that time when you are speaking of Chinese customs, and some parent thought you were making stereotypical statements--or something like that.

Oh...you were referencing previous threads.

Actually, the PC thing caught me off guard because I'm having trouble in that area at work. Well, a lot of communication issues at work. But, that's been ongoing.

I still think you have bad luck with people.

Most people I meet (I work within a Criminal Court context mostly) are not as PC as that. There's lots of flirtatious give-and-take.

I do not think I have bad luck. That's mainly because I do not believe in luck.

I think I am the core problem. If a person (me) has trouble with relationships all their life, has trouble doing things that other people seem to be able to do easily and they (me) are the only common denominator, then I am doing things very badly.

At work, not much flirtation. It's the students that are the problem. I can't tell when they're offended, or bored or what. But, if I go off track in a way that can be offensive, and I can't recognize it, it is a disaster waiting to happen. Two students have filed complaints in the last year or so.

But, that's why it's good that the classes are drying up. Reduces chances of that happening.

You should just get out of the house, and see a movie or something.

ohhhh. no, no, no, no.....

I had to go out today to get my paycheck. I was stressed, overloaded and couldn't really deal with people. So much sensory input when dealing with the trains from Brooklyn into Manhattan, all the people on the streets, noise and confusion. I'm having a hard enough time as it is. I really can't stand to go out around people. That is getting worse.

Ironically, except for the volume of the movie sometimes, I find movies to be very conducive to sensory relaxation.

In reference to the students: they are trying to "find themselves." They are beginning to acquire a moral sense. Like autistic people sometimes, they think in a "black and white" manner. This extends to PC concepts. This is owing to a lack of experience in life.

I don't know you personally, of course. But you might not be as bad as you think you are. It could be that people are just over-sensitive. Your main problem, as I see it (based upon my limited association with you), is that you sometimes draw conclusions too quickly, and that you would be more correct if you gave something a little more thought.

I know this, because I draw conclusions too quickly myself. And I don't reflect on things. I just fly off the handle sometimes.

I would disagree about the students because I've been doing it for 17 years. It's the new breed of students that I'm having difficulty with for the last 5 years.

And here, I can be much more measured in response. So, if you think I may be too quick here, think how quick I am out there. Confusing information, the pressure to respond quickly.

And, all of that coupled with the inability to just get it out.

I dunno...maybe I'm just delusional.

Lol....I think we both do the same thing. We react as if we're having a conversation with someone. At least we both see reason after a few minutes, and maybe let the other person know that we see what he/she is saying.

How about going to the Planetarium? One of my favorite places as a kid.

Oddly enough, it's the getting there and getting back that is really the biggest problem if I'm going to a place like that. I just get so overloaded quickly these days. It's impossible for me to relax. Getting through the lines and all. I'm just so burned out.

Even when I teach, I get to my classroom an hour early (if the trains ain't messed up) just so I can decompress before I have to deal with students. I am fortunate this semester. I really have the dream class. They are all mature, involved and really feels like my old classes. And only four students.

I really don't know what would be happening by this time if I had the usual student type I've been having for a few years.