Unfortunate situation. Could use a pep talk/advice.

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To start off, I signed up for vocational rehab (a program that successfully got me a job before) last November and last month, my paperwork finally went through. After several appointments, I was referred to a job developer. They think they'll be able to get me a job by the end of the month, if I do good with the interview. One that pays well, upward mobility, benefits, and will have plenty of opportunities to work overtime the next couple of months (it's the companies busy season and they're desperate for help). My overall experience with them has been fantastic and far more than I was expecting.

I live with my dad and several weeks ago, his drinking caught up with him and he was admitted to the hospital for liver and kidney failure. He has been there since. We're not sure if he can live to see the next year, but we think he might be well enough to come home soon. We don't know when that'll be though. The discharge keeps getting postponed. Family friends will help, but I'm expected to take the bulk of the caring, while working fulltime at a new job. Which is for the most part ok, because I'm a homebody anyways and I made a lot of his food before anyways.

Here's my problem; the family friends have never been supportive of my diagnosis and have given subtle clues that they think the program I'm in is a scam. They're going to come over tomorrow to talk about "financials and medical", which I took to mean they're going to give me a talk about how they think I'm wasting my time. I have a bad feeling I'm going to get ganged up on and I'm going to hear a lot of ignorant, misinformed crap you typically hear from unsupportive NT's. I fear bridges will be burned and feelings hurt.

I get where they're coming from, because they're scared they'll lose their friend and they worry they'll have to care for 2 households, but there's potential of making it personal and there's no way I'm gonna give up this program.

I just needed to get that off my chest. The situation is stressful as is and I'm a nervous wreck thinking about everything.

I'm going to be blunt here, so gird yourself or pass this comment by.

This opportunity for a good job is too important to you to mess it up. We with autism have a hard time with employment, and have to make our own needs a priority if we are to succeed.

Your father brought on his health problems, you say, by chronic heavy drinking. It's too bad they are threatening his life now, but that's not your problem. So if you are to do the majority of the caring, you are still entitled to engage plenty of professional caregiving - home nurse visits, Meals on Wheels, things like that. Also, you can't pay for this out of your own income, you'll have to see what resources your dad has from insurance, medicare, his own bank account, donations from friends, and so on.

When the family friends come over to discuss financials and medical, prepare yourself thusly: "This is about my father. Let's not make this about me." Then refuse to give any specifics about your job opportunity. You can give vague statements such as "I have a vocational commitment, so I cannot do ____." You will probably have to say "This is not about me, this is about my father" repeated times. Ever notice how politicians sidestep direct questions they don't want to talk about? It's always "This is about what's good for the state" or "the nation." Practice your dodge question.

State how much and what type of support you are able to give - for example, making breakfast, dispensing pills. Leave the rest to a professional - a visiting nurse could help with bathing, for instance, or physical therapy or massages, taking vitals, etc. You can state that you should not be the first person called in case an emergency trip to the hospital is needed, so find someone else to accept that responsibility.

One thing you might do that could give you some control is be the leader of the discussions. First ask everyone what they anticipated will be needed. (Focusing on your father.) Then discuss where that need could be provided from. (focusing on the group.) Finally come up with a list - in writing - of who does what, who pays for what, etc. Notice how, by being the leader, you control the conversation? You don't need to be reactive (against snide comments), you can instead be proactive.

I think you can make this work, just stick to your guns. Good luck, both with dad and the new job.

Yep. You're a grown person. You have the right to do what you want.

If you feel this vocational thing will help, then continue doing it.

These people don't know your life and your thoughts.

Absolutely. This vocational stuff sounds like a brilliant opportunity and the best chance you have to be able to get really good paying work which will then allow you to support yourself and, in turn, help your father. My feeling is that if family are concerned about the finacial side of things then encouraging and supporting you in this opportunity to get a well-paid job seems to me to be the best option for everyone.

Hope your Dads OK
Hope your OK

Hugs!

I just want to give an update and say thank you for the responses. They were were extremely helpful for keeping my head on straight.

We had the meeting and I guess I shouldn't have been worried as I was. There was some passive aggressive comments by one particular person, but we mostly focused on the situation at hand as there was a ton of legal and previous financial issues to sort. I also think a supportive relative (who is out state but still hands on and is also very knowledgeable about social work) had a hand in calming everyones nerves about my situation.

My dad hasn't gotten much better and now there's talk of bringing in relatives from out of state to see him one last time. There was hope that dialysis would give his organs a break and we would see better numbers, but everything seems to have plateaued. Now we're hoping dialysis will keep him alive long enough to get him on the transplant list, but that will take 5 more months and it doesn't look promising. Toxins have built up in his body to the point he is no longer of sound mind.

I still don't have a job. Right now I'm waiting for calls for interviews. In fact, I'm about to have one over the phone.

This is going to be hard for me to type, but I think just putting it out to the world might help process this a little better.

Well... it's official now. He isn't going to get better. His numbers didn't get better on dialysis and he steadily got worse. It was decided that it was best to let him go. Right now he's going through the final stages of dying, though they think it's going to be a couple of more days, but he will definitely pass away this week. 48 hours ago he could talk, although he was very confused and now he can't respond at all except for very subtle facial cues. He's sleeping constantly and is only awake for 10 second bursts.

Honesty, I hope he passes away tonight. I know he would he hate living like this. He told me so many times on how he thought that it would be a miserable existence and how he would rather be shot than live like this. Keeping him alive at this point is just cruel.... but it's a long legal process for euthanasia and we just don't have that time, nor did he put anything down expressing his wishes. Right now all we can do is wait and painfully watch.

Sorry that you have to go through this. Sorry also for your father. It must be very difficult. I've recently had to go through something similar and I know that it's hard.