I feel abused by my mum/carer and don't know what to do

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Hi, my name is Bili and I have Asperger's syndrome. I have severe and crippling anxiety problems even thoug I am "high-functioning". I am with full time care because despite my mental abilities I don't know how to function well unless it's pursuing my own special interests. It has taken a lot of thought and courage to make this post finally. I don't really like to socialise with strangers on the computer or off.


I've been struggling with this for a long time. My mum and I have been quite close and she has helped me a lot. It plays into the battle I'm having in my mind. Recently I have been struggling with anger problems. My temper keep flaring and I'm short on patience. An almost constant feeling of frustration and confusion, fear and hatred. My friends and my sister have been noticing things between my mum and I, they seem concerned. I am concerned. I keep having episodes of angry tantrums and anxiety attacks.

My mum is my carer. She lives with me. I don't know how to express my issues with her properly except to list them.
-Emotional blackmail. I have to do tasks around the house so she doesn't get upset and angry.
-Guilt tripping. She makes me spend time with her when she feels lonely. She blames the deterioration on my lack of "quality time" spent with her.
-Self-victimising. Whenever I disagree with what she's doing and I'm trying to defend myself, especially when I am expressing myself upset and angry, she makes me out to be verbally abusive with nothing right to say. I try to be reasonable, like telling her to just leave me alone. Unfortunately, she always argues with me and winds me up. I get so wound up and confused I often can't think I just lash out my punching a wall or door until she goes quiet and leaves me.
-Harsh critique. Whenever I try to do anything, be it cooking food or doing house chores, she gives me feedback. It is almost always negative. She gets upset and rants about how lazy and useless I am. She says she is the only one that does anything around the house and I don't do anything up to her standard.
-Bad time keeper. She puts a lot of pressure on me to help her with technology and often asks for my help when some computing skills are required for things she does. There have been multiple occasions where she will pressure me into helping her complete tasks late at night. She does this because she feels she can't ask me whilst I'm "busy" so she waits until the last possible second. I have lost sleep and been stressed because I'm forced into tight deadlines by her. She will often list a large number of things for me which is overwhelming and seems impossible to do.
-Doesn't listen. I've told her about how she goes about things wrong and how to take better care of me. She has yet to put much into practice. She surprised me recently by quietly leaving me alone when I was upset. but other than that she belittles me and argues until she gets her way. She keeps doing things that make me feel very anxious despite being warned. Like telling me off about water usage when I barely manage to bathe twice a week and calling me disgusting for missing a spot in my room to clean.
-Ultimatums. She often gives me ultimatums about how to spend money. She'll force me not to purchase things and buy things for her. She talks about how I get more money than her from the government so I should pay for certain goods and she shouldn't. She gets angry if I buy things or don't buy things "out of turn". I've bought a lot of the large appliances in the house now; I'm worried if I leave, she will try to keep them. She forced me to transfer my savings account into hers, money thought I was keeping safe for university. She says she wants to use it for a round the world trip one day because she deserves it.
-Restrictive about my personal life. She gets jealous of my social life and stops me from having friends over. She tells me they're disruptive and stop me from living a structured life. My friends don't like visiting much any more because she complains about them yet demands that they complete tasks around the house with me. She isn't too forceful but she tries to coerce saying it'd be right for them to repay her hospitality by doing DIY and cleaning with me. They often don't feel they are visiting me as much as they are visiting her to do work.
-Highly defensive. She doesn't like being told anything much and gets defensive about strange things. I once said that I didn't enjoy a tin of soup she had bought and she passive aggressively apologised and said she wouldn't buy it again and that she should have bought a different one so I wouldn't of had a bad meal by her fault. I didn't care that much but I felt bad for how she beat herself up for no reason. I said to her whilst she was saying bad things about her friends that I was worried she was too hateful; she responded by telling me her friends forced her to take a holiday with them and that they were annoying. It was confusing. She says all these things as if to shut any response down and that her negative views are truth.
-Neglectful. On numerous occasions, she has gone to her boyfriend's place on short notice or taken holidays abroad. She asks me often with very little time what I'm going to do or simply asks me to go to my sisters whilst she's away. I'm supposed to need a full time carer. I usually ask my friends to come and stay with me or I do go to my sister's, otherwise I spend the next week barely eating or bathing, playing games all night. I can't see my problems with maintaining myself until too late, at the very least she lets my sister and I know she's going away and we can prepare.
-"Anti-clutter". She complains that the things I collect make her home messy and cost too much. She collects crystals and jewellery but I don't say any thing. She wants me to sell some of them because she thinks they're pointless.
-Excuses. She finds excuses for her actions like she's having a bad day or I'm making it bad because I'm in a bad mood. Recently she said she thinks she has special needs too and went to get tested. the tests were inconclusive but she is convinced that she has something wrong.
-Counsel. She comes to me for counsel. To talk about her relationship problems and her sex life. Sometimes I've talked to her as well about my stuff but it seems weird. I'm told it seems highly inappropriate and wrong the extent and detail these "sessions" can get to. I'm inclined to agree. I don't like having to act like I hold the answers to her problems. I have so many myself that she seems less concerned with these days.

One of my friends is a registered carer and I've talked to him a lot about my problems with my mum. He thinks the stuff she gets away with is bad, morally and ethically wrong. That she shouldn't be provoking me or triggering psychological issues, that she shouldn't be handling my money like she does. Everyone tells me that they don't understand how or why I put up with her. I am struggling to see what is right or wrong. It's maddening. My older half brother and sister live in their own homes and don't like her company much, they've urged me in the past to just put up with it. I'm not so sure any more.
More and more I feel defensive and I have so much confused anger brewing beneath my skin. I want to be rid of her but I don't know whether it's the right thing or even how. I keep thinking about death, like maybe she could just go to sleep and not wake up or maybe I could just spontaneously drop dead. I don't like having morbid thoughts like that. I'm scared.

I think I want a new carer and a new home. I don't know how. All I know is the relationship between my mum/carer is going very toxic. I want to blame myself but my friends and family tell me not to.
I am posting here maybe to see if anyone agrees or disagrees. Or maybe if I'm being reasonable or unreasonable.
Maybe this is very wrong and I need help. But I don't know how to help myself. I'm scared to do anything in case I lose everything. I have a paranoid issue with thinking that the government would rather have a disabled person die than take care of them, I know that isn't true but I fear the abandonment and the neglect. I fear dying.
I am posting here looking for help and advice. I feel lost and alone even though I'm surrounded by people who agree with me that something is wrong. I just keep swinging from hating myself for who and what I am and hating her as well.

I'm sorry for how poorly structured and confusing this post is. I hope something good can come of it.

That sounds really awful (and reminds me of my mother-in-law in a lot of ways.) I think you should seriously look into what other options are available to you, for the sake of your sanity.

There comes a point where the support that social services can offer you - while not perfect - is better than the misery you would suffer with your own family. I'm sorry you're having to face that choice, and I know it's not an easy one.

Seems like a toxic situation for you both. As you both seem overwhelmed and stressed. The more you both get stuck in the negative spiral, the harder it is to het out. Less energy leads to a lower stress tolerance and hightened frustration, which in turn drains energy and so on and so forth.

Did your mother have formal training as a caregiver? If not, she is probably in over her head as caring for someone 24/7 takes its toll as well. She might be suffering from a burnout which also makes it harder to think rationally.

Maybe you could try counseling together and if that doesn't help, at least the records may help prove to the government that you need another solution. Or that person can tell you what channels to go through to find alternatives.

I really hope you don't act on the negative thoughts, because as bad as it might seem now... acting on them can only make it worse.

I wish you both the strength to take a step back, a deep breath and the willingness to try third-party-mediation / counseling. There's always a way out if you love each other (deep down) and are willing to communicate honestly.

Best of luck!

She is treating you exactly like you are her husband.

You should definitely not give her the money you planned on spending for your education,

You will be able to take her on holiday with you once or twice when you get a job after college.

She deserves to be treated well as your mother but she is sabotaging your future at the moment.


You have to stand your ground , if arguing with reason and logic does t work just say "I'm doing this and the matter is OVER!"

If it's too late to get your savings back you could try to convince her to give you back the money, if not is there any chance of you getting a non-social job?

I am seeking counselling. At the moment I feel very uncomfortable waiting. I have my first session in a week or so and last week I got so upset when she wouldn't let me sleep as I had College in the morning (I'm training to be a luthier in London, UK). She's been supportive of it. She helped me find the counselling, I'm fortunate to be meeting with someone who is an autism specialist. It's so confusing how she can help me and hurt me all at the same time. I'm scared to be around her in case I become complacent or convinced that everything that is bad is OK. It is a difficult thing.

I don't know about the money. It's been in and out of a few savings accounts in my name and she's been telling me different reasons for it's existence. I went through some paperwork with my friend and it seems to be savings from government benefits that I recall she intended to save for my sister and I's future. My sister and her had a falling out, hence why she lives in her own home now, and she seems to have changed her mind about it's purpose.
It's all confusing for me. I don't fully trust what I think or what my mum thinks. I'm just fairly sure that so many years ago we weren't told we were saving for a fantastical "retirement" for my mum.
There's just so many things that she's being doing for so long that are becoming more and more worrisome, yet she does do good things. I have confusing doubts as to whether or not I'm at fault for being some kind of belligerent and angsty young person.

If the luthier thing works out you can start earning your own money and everyone wins, if there are no luthier jobs available you will have to do go back to college, will you be able to financially?

As you are young and single you could easily accumulate your own cash if things work out for you.

You don't sound like you'd be much fun to live with, but every aspect of this, you phrase as a failing on your mother's part. This doesn't show much insight on your part.

I do agree you should get out of this home because it's too stressful on both of you. I would point out though, that you will have other stresses when you are out on your own. Take advantage of any social services that could help you get independent housing.

Not every Aspie is in strong conflict with their family, so for some people, living at home may be an ok solution. But it doesn't sound like it is a good fit for you and your mum. Has it occurred to you that, since Aspergers has a genetic component, she may have some traits of it too? This probably accounts for a lot of the friction (though not all) in Aspergers households.

Good luck in your studies and employment, and I hope your transition goes smoothly.

As much as I try to analyse and make sense, I can't entirely. I feel more conflicted and more confused. It's why I'm trying to talk about it because doubt my insight.
I'm in the situation and I don't feel any kind of confidence with what I am interpreting. Like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions with amnesia or some odd analogy. I guess I'm a bit of a mess.

It's very good that you are going to begin counseling, and with someone experienced in autism, besides. That will probably help you in ways you can't even imagine.

My autistic daughter lives independently and has received a lot of services. I am still a very supportive mother to her, and yet we do need our space from each other.

Try to just stay calm and let one day follow the next. Pretty soon, I think life will probably get both easier, and more satisfying, for you.

To be blunt, I believe you have to get away from the clutches of your mother.

It's a unhealthy relationship you have. She shouldn't be consulting you about her sex life, while criticizing you constantly. It's just not a mother-and-son sort of situation.

You're a grown man. Have you completed university studies? I feel, if possible, that you should get away, and live on your own.

It's time for a group home or supported living or anyplace other than living with mummy.

Your local disability services office is the place to start.

I didn't manage to read all (no I didn't think TL;DR) just ran out of time but I will come back and finish.

My current view is: You need an impartial carer, in the long run it's going to really hurt your relationship to your mum. But it won't be easy but I do think it will be for the best. And if you are 22 it might be a good time to move out could be better for you in the long run being more independent (Only you can know if that's truly for the best). The relationship you have at the moment isn't good at all.

(I will comeback and read all so might change my view)

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