Crippling Phobia of Failure... and everything else.

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I don't get it.... I'm so afraid of failure that I never do anything at all. No risks. None. I don't seem to learn from, or take, failure very well. Anyone like this? Have any input? Anything? Part of it is that I'm afraid of people commenting on it, making fun of me on it, etc etc etc.

Of course, there is some truth to my concerned... I believe I literally HAVE been slapped down nearly every time I've tried something. No one I've seen about work will hire me for some reason. "We're full." "You need a Driver's license" etc etc etc... Of course, I'm afraid of driving. I think I'm afraid of everything. Fear and guilt seem to rule my existance... And I don't know what to do. People tell me "Go out there and do it." DO WHAT?! WHAT!? I don't understand! What are you talking about?

I know just what you're saying.
I've been there for a long time.
Still, one has to decide on something
worth fighting for, and just do so.

I lived protected by my wife for
many years. Then, when she booted
me, I ran back to my parents. My
father gave me something of a kick
in the butt that I needed, but once
I got out on my own again, I've
been letting everything slide away.

A lot of it may just be convincing yourself
that you CAN do something, so that it's
no longer a matter of trying, but rather
of just doing. We all have to take some
responsibility for what we are and do; but
also realize where our failures are not
intrinsically our own fault, and struggle
to overcome whatever adversity that
we face.

Hi RadiationHazard,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having these problems.

I have had (and still have!) VERY similar issues.

The things that have helped me are:

1) Getting good support - including joining a good support group for Depression, an employment service that helps people with disabilities - both to get jobs and while they are in work, joining a support group for AS and making use of the support and outreach work that they provide. Also getting a Social Worker.
It took me YEARS to get this kind of support - (I was 25 by the time that I managed to sort out decent support) and it took a lot of

Research on the internet to find suitable organisations.

Phoning and emailing numerous people to try and find the names of organisations and people to help me and also getting these people to actually help me and / or put me on their waiting list etc.

Emphasizing to my doctor on numerous occasions that I needed more help because I couldn't cope, and getting her to write letters that I could send to organisations etc. to get help and also to write referrals to me so that I could see a psychistrist etc.

Changing my psychistrist - my first one was useless - it took a year of phoning and letters from my doctor to get changed to a different psychiatrist. It also helps if someone can come to your psych appointments with you - I asked my support worker and because they know her because she supports others with AS when they have hospital appointments, it made them take me more seriously.

Finding good medication that worked for me. This is a 'controversial' one because I know that some people don't want to take medication and I TOTALLY respect that. But it is certainly worth considering and if you are already on medication, perhaps it is worth trying something else if what your are taking is not really helping.
Medication won't 'change your life' but it can make things 'less bad' and sometimes that is enough to make life a little more manageable.

Finding good people and distancing yourself from the people who are bad for you.
I had a very small number of friends. I know deep down that they were using me but I wanted friends so badly that I just let them.
So, I ditched the 'mean' friends, and concentrated on trying to meet people who were genuine. I made some mistakes because it is difficult for me to tell if people are being honest or not and to 'read' people - but I now have a small number of real friends who are supportive to me - whether I succeed or fail, they will accept me.

If you know that you will be accepted whether or not you fail, it makes it easier to try new things - because you know that no one will think any less of you of you don't do as well as you would like.

I also had to distance myself from people who were bad. My family are very abusive so I now don't have any contact with the most destructive members.
I am also trying to move into supported housing to get away from them once and for all. It is terrifying - I don't know how I will cope living away from relatives, but the 'help' they gives me comes at the price of me being significantly abused by them, and this has to stop.



Anyway, hope this helps and hope that things get better for you.

I'd like to thank girl7000 because her suggestions helped me a lot as well...

I have difficulty in motivating myself to do something...it takes me a lot of time to make myself actually do something...
I do have fear for failure but it used to be much more intense...
I find exercising helpful in motivating myself...also posting in WP....
I feel that once I get motivated enough to overcome my fear I can carry things out...
Of course the nature of your problem might be different...
Maybe you need something beyond motivation...like self-affirmation...
Failure and rejection are hard to take...sometimes it feels like I'm a perpetual failure...
But I think it is important to try not to give up no matter what......
I say these things but I know it's really difficult...
Well, one thing for sure is that we have better chance at success if we don't give up...whereas if we give up, it's unlikely that our situations will improve...
It seems that we have to be persistent in the pursuit of happiness...

A question: do you want to do these things?

I once thought that I was afraid of driving, afraid of working, afraid of studying, afraid of loving; all due to a fear of failure. I was wrong, I don't fear the consequences of failure, I've failed a number of times in my life [and I continued to try but I still failed]. No, I'm not afraid -- I'm confused because I cannot do these things. A blind person cannot see, a deaf person cannot hear and I cannot DO what I'm not interested in, my brain doesn't absorb it.... Every step I take I fall due to not having legs; I can adapt and wear prosthetic legs; but it's a completely different experience than those who're "normal" and takes an immensely greater effort to appear "normal". Sometimes that effort isn't worth the pain.

I'm not afraid, I just don't know how to do it; no one is prepared to show me how, i.e., it took my mother and a teacher over the school holidays with them constantly holding my hand so I could learn to read; the effort required on their part is the same amount of effort that is required for everything I do (that I don't like). I'm not lazy...I'm slow.... No one wishes to give an adult that much tutelage; nor do I want it.

Failure sucks. That's all I have to say.

I identify. I won't even attempt my drawing or the books I wish to write, lest I quit in the middle or fail. I think it becomes an even greater fear if you have grown up with pressure put upon you to excel in things. But I would think that not trying anything is as much a failing as trying and not succeeding at first... at least you have SOME chance of success if you try whereas you don't have any chance at all if you don't at least try.

THE WORLD SUCKS! I HATE IT! TO HELL WITH THEM ALL!

But I am still stuck on the wrong planet. I draw badly, but most do not even try, I make a sketch to show a rough outline of my thought, and get comments like, "Were did you get a Degree in Art?", "Well I know a real artist!".

I show a story in manuscript, and get comments and insights like, "I found several misspelled words!", "Who's your publisher?", "How many books have you sold?" "You don't have a Degree in English!".

I invent and Patent a system of teaching mathematics, make several protypes, spend years, and get the first finished production models out, a sellable finished product. I show it to people I liked up until then, They say, "Your lieing, you did not make that!" "Where do you teach math!" "You can't do that, they won't let you!" I have had a half dozen tell me to my face they were going to send my idea to a real company, and they do not seem to know what Patent means.

Those who do see the value of it go right to work, I cannot do anything, but if I sign over all rights they will sell it to a real company. When I say no they get all upset. They have to sell me out to someone real, for my own good. They ask how much the Patent cost, then offer 50% of that for half interest.

Another group, seeing I have Patents, keeps asking about ideas I have developed but not Patented yet.

I have given up on humans. The ones I liked did this.

Through the wonders of a LaserJet I have sold a pile of books, Now I am a Publisher, with web distrabution.

Technology has caught up, and what I could not afford, plastic injection molds, are now made by machines and much cheaper, so production costs are down on the teaching system, and all of that, "Who is your distributor?", has been replaced by web marketing.

I still cannot draw.

According to family and friends, I am a total failure. Sales have been going us several hundred percent a year, my profit margin is 1000%, and my failures of the last decade when I wasted my life are now new products coming to market.

The problem with being ten years ahead, which is where you have to be to develop things, books, art, new products, is the world is ten or more years behind, and they know you are wrong. They are sure all books are written by English Majors in the New York book factory. That only real companies are allowed to market new products, and that is why they do nothing, and attack anyone who tries.

Artists, writers, inventors, are all unqualified for the job, and it seems only the hermits get the work done. Dealing with the world has ruined many a budding artist.

I am dumb, and now I discover aspie. I started to know myself, and had a very bad reaction all around. It took me a long time to understand, the world is a lot dumber than I am, and if I do something more than them, I make them look bad.

Now I deal with them as little as possible. I write behind locked doors, then give one word answers if questioned. When I tried, everything I said was used against me. Why help them? Maybe, has become my answer to everything.

I thought I have been driven over the edge into madness, and I liked it. I became a hermit as far as my private life, tell them nothing. In the social world I became demanding, what the world had been to me, and they became better behaved. Why I spent most of my life trying to be nice to a pack of rabid humans I can not explain.

So RadiationHazard, you are your inner life. It is all any of us have. Sharing it with others will cause them to do you harm. If you express a thought, it is natural for the world to say that is the dumbest thing they ever heard, and that you are a total failure for wasting your time thinking. They are right for them, they do not think, and their life is perfect.

Intelligence and perception is a defect in humans, so few have it. It is natural for them to want to cure it, it makes them uncomfortable.

I am not alone in this, as people mature they have less and less to do with the world. There are two ways to look at anything, our aspie social avoidence and lack of eye contact seems to be our common symtoms. As humans age they tend to develop social avoidance, and avoid eye contact. People in my age bracket, 60, go out of their way to avoid meeting humans, most they met were a problem, "Deal with humans, you lose!"

To avoid many social ills, being mugged, raped, killed during an armed robbery, road rage, the professional advice is all the same, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!

So we do naturally what the wisdom of age and the vast body of experince teaches. We were born old.

So I am a slow learner about some things, but I now think they would work for all. I never cared till I got to wrong planet.

!. Keep your personal life private. Develop some dealing with the world aplets. It does not take your whole identity to ride a bus or buy food. Create a simple little script for the world. People are manipuative, give them something small and fake to attack. Preserve your inner self.

2. Keep you ambitions under lock and key. If you write or draw, tell no one. The Universe is giving you a personal gift, if it wanted others to have it, it would have given it to them. Be possesive about your talents, for those who do not have them will destroy them.

3. Develop a public persona, steal it from them, and improve it. You do not want friends, look at everyone like there is a stupid contest and they are in the finals. For the physical, work up lines like, "Another one with tough eyeballs? We gonna have some fun now! Lets butt foreheads and see who drops first!" Spread your arms out and circle to the right. They were hoping you would cry and run away, now they have a new friend, who keeps showing up behind them. Ask others where they live, you want to get together with them.

4. People spend years in therapy to get in touch with their inner selves, we start there. If you think you can explain the wonder of life, tell it to a dog, they might understand, do not waste your time on humans. Save it for your book, make them pay for it.

The people you deal with are talking to themselves. It is all they can know. Replying from where you are is nothing but problems, we now have two irrational comments that can never be resolved. You can only talk to what is there, and it is not much. Agree with them, it confuses them. Repete what they said like it had meaning. Thank them for caring.

Be a mirror, they are all vain and self centered, the perfect creation, so reflect them, add nothing, perhaps a few stock phrases. I am glad someone is concerned about that, and I thank you for making the effort to share your insight and observation. It is all about them. It is not only possible to tell someone they are a complete idiot, a pea brain, but to do it with such soft and cunning words that they agree with you. It is the Good doggie speech we use on animals and little children, and it works on adults.

Life is sadness and joy, never admit either. Sadness is called depression, and there are pills for that, joy is called being manic, Bipolar, and there are pills for that. How you doing? So so, on a scale of 1 to 10 I am at 5. Always tell them what they want to hear. Would you tell a four year old about your bad day at the office, or having sex in the supply room? The world is a public small child, feed them Mr. Rodgers.

I think you have a great inner self, I would actually speak to you if I met you somewhere. I do not like humans. I block it out, but still fall for intelligent comments, observations, and a willingness, a demand, for learning. You remind me of myself. There is no cure, but it can be a lot of fun. You got the stuff.

Get out there and do it, has two sides, one is fit yourself into the world, all you have to do is quit being you and be like everyone else. If that will not work, and it is hopeless in your case, you are like me, make the world fit your needs. To do that you have to become more like yourself.

You are not what the world sees, they are wrong, and you have spent too much time trying to understand their point of view, grow up, they do not have one. You do. They are in the way of you becoming yourself.
Somewhere in there you do have ideas of what you want to do. We seem to come with ambition and talents. Subtract all of reacting to the world, they are wrong. Look at what is left.

You do have some interests, some talents, and at some point, dreams which were stepped on. Wipe off the shoe prints, they are still good. There ar a limited amount of things you could be good at. Keep it a secret from the world around you, see what you want, then figure out the steps to get there.

When I started writting with an electric typewritter publishing was a longshot. The world caught up, and with a big LaserJet, and the Internet, I now sell three books worldwide, have a forth coming soon, and then there is my own work yet to come.

I considered myself unemployable, but did well rebuilding VW bugs. I made more than people who had real jobs. By labor hours I made twice what doctors and lawyers charged. All that interested me was machines and computers, and when I did work I found few my equal at understanding what was going on. The guy with the Computer Degree hired me to fix it.

Later I just visited people for coffee while making their computers run well again, and was getting $75 an hour. When the flood took that away, I played on ebay and revived my income. Now I do not have to leave home.

We each have an ability, and most of the time mine did not show up till I had to, but my hobbies played a large part in being a sucess. I just want to do what I want and be paid lots.

Having scored many times at being me, I built on it. New scores get reinvested in the next project. It keeps working and growing.

I would like a mental map of your interests, dreams and ambitions, I think you might like my world, PM me a job application, I like what I see. I know many things you could do, I would like to know what you want to do.

I think Danielismyname and Inventor really nailed it. You may think you're afraid to try things, but the truth could be that you just flat don't want to bother with them and you feel bad admitting it to yourself. I'm in the same position, but I'm working on getting out of it. There's a great line from that Woody Allen movie Husbands & Wives, where Woody's wife is trying to pressure him into having a baby. She succeeds for a minute, and then suddenly he realizes he's being manipulated. He says "Wait a minute...I'm begging to have a baby I don't even want." That's a great metaphor for us aspies who tell ourselves that we're afraid to "fail" at NT pursuits that don't even suit us in the first place. Deep down, you may feel afraid to try some of these things because you know you'd be much happier pursuing things in which you'd truly excel.

Danielismyname, Inventor...thanks! You guys helped me, too.