I need some advice.

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I hate myself so much now that if I could come out of my body, I would torture it with fire. I am an autistic fool that doesn’t deserve anything good in life. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and being unable to do anything about the situation I am in. I have trouble going to sleep every night. It takes me 2 hours to fall asleep after going to bed. My thoughts are jumbled and unclear. I can’t produce anything good. I have lived on this planet for 20 years and all I have produced is feces and carbon dioxide. I hate myself even more for being a guy. All that disgusting hair all over my body, being dumber and uglier than girls- being a guy is the worst thing ever. I am dumber than a rock or a tree. I have done nothing in my life except sleep and eat. I have trouble doing simple things that even a 3 year old can do. My memory, vocabulary, writing style everything is worse than everyone else’s. I highly doubt I have a brain inside my tiny head. If I had a properly functioning brain then my life would be much better. I am so angry right now because of how pathetic I am. I have wasted so many things. There are so many people who would be able to accomplish more than me if they had even half the opportunities I had. I am nothing but disgrace to the the human race.

It is so hard for me to write. Every time I want to say or write something I can’t find any words. In a recent essay test I got a B but most people got A’s. That’s how horrible I am at writing. I need one hour to write a 300 word essay. My mind is slower than a dead person’s.

The urge to kill myself is getting stronger and I am slowly losing control over my mind. Yesterday I was playing a game on my android and for no reason I bit my phone screen with my teeth. The screen shattered instantly and I feel so bad for breaking my $160 phone. I wish I were one of those people who are born with the inability to feel pain. That way I could burn myself and turn myself into ash without feeling a single thing.

I had hope. I wanted to make something out of myself. But the problem is everyone is smarter than me. In this world of survival of the smartest, I am a nobody. I can’t form connections with people and that’s why my life sucks so bad. I have poor parents and my father is pretty old. I don't know how much longer he will be able to live and provide for me. If he dies I will have to starve to death because there is no one else to take care of me. I need to find a source of income and make some connections with people fast if I want to survive. I can't do these things because I have autism and I can't form relationships with people. I never had a friend in my whole life. I used to like girls before but now am not attracted to girls anymore. I don't like guys either. I want to be a girl because girls are better looking, smarter, get good grades etc.

I know that no one will believe this after seeing my horrible writing style but I am a University student. My grades are really bad. I want to be extremely wealthy, smart, powerful and famous. I am pretty sure everyone does. Sadly I will never be smart enough to achieve the things I want in life.

I don’t know why I fear pain so much. I would have killed myself already if I didn’t have so much irrational fear of physical pain. There is no painless way to die except destroying your brain before it can create the feeling of pain. I just hope that a war will start someday soon and a bomb will drop on me and disintegrate my messed up brain that is responsible for my miserable life. That’s the only painless way to die, I think.

I have trouble trusting people and I don't want to post this. I feel like I am hurting you people by writing here and making you read it. I just want some life advice. Please forgive me for wasting your time.

All is not lost

What are you studying at university?

If you don't feel like you can do well it might be better to drop out and learn a skill like welding or plumbing?

I found reading your post very easy and it flowed nicely, so you have a good use of English. Wish I could use English so well and I'm from England! All is not lost, for years I felt useless. But eventually and after feeling useless for about 33 years I managed to get some experience and found a job where I fit in. I have 20mg of Citalopram and that's helped me with my anxiety and I now exercise every day which has helped more than I could ever imagine. Back in November I wanted to kill myself and was close to driving my can at 80mph into a wall or tree. Luckily I was so pissed off with feeling like that. So I phoned the mental health unit, spoke about my feelings and for a few days kept in contact with the mental health unit. Stopping booze has really helped too. Especially as it screws up the Citalopram. Anyway I really hope that you manage to find some peace soon and feel less distraught, it can and will get better, just ride out this s**t storm.

By the way I'm incredibly hairy and still have issues with it, but slowly as you get older, you are less about it.

I know I don't know you but I generally care about other peoples well being, no I'm not religious, it's just I believe we should try and help each other on here as much as we can, although we all have our varying levels of triggers and specialist interests etc... But we have something all in common, we all have a unique gift and should focus on our own happiness first.

Hope your day gets better

Hello and welcome to WrongPlanet. I am so glad you found us. You are not alone any more. Perhaps you were and that's the kind of negativity that can attack you when you have few defences. Stay with us, post to and from us, things will get somewhat better. We'll try to help you find your way. Things are not as bad as they seem, although that is far too common for somebody with autism. Write to us about anything!

I have an idea of what your going through and feel it a lot.

People tell me to 'get over it' and 'look at the positivies' but its much harder than that, escpecially when youve reached the point of burn out.

My advice:

If you feel overwhelmed with school or work; stop! or take some time to yourself and engage in something that relaxes you.

Seek help! suicide is a serious and extremely dangerous threat to make. If you are feeling suicidal and/or impulsive please contact a suicide helpline in your area and go to the emergency room, even if you haven't self harmed its important to seek help IMMEDIATELY. Tell the doctors EVERYTHING thats on your plate and ask to see a psychologist AND a psychyatrist.

Asking Family members, friends and loved ones to help out with daily chores such as cooking, cleaning and running errands.

Tell your boss and your teachers about your suicidal thoughts and feelings of self hatred, or if you feel thats too personal ask a doctor to make a note.

Change your diet to something more natural and get plenty of rest- just like a phsyical illness, mental illness needs time and care to recover from.

when your EXTREMELY low and about to go for that razor blade- write a list of other things you COULD be doing, anything at all, it doesnt even need to be possible.

I just recently came out of the hospital because i was feeling overwhelmed and suicidal, and months before that i attempted and self harmed. It doesn't get better or go away and sometimes the problem goes beyond just 'getting over it' and hearing people say 'you have so much to live for' is meaningless.

Your pain is real, your feelings and thoughts matter and people will listen.

You can PM me if you feel alone.

I agree with slenkar,all is not lost,the deep misanthropy you describe in reference to yourself is something I once harbored toward myself at one point,I know this may sound tired and cliché but your not worthless,try not to worry too much about all that has to be done,instead take things once step at a time,one day at a time,please don't give up,even if progress is slow,its still progress and money,power,fame,is no guarantee of happiness,if anything the more a person gets these wants the more they want,you don't need them to be happy.Please don't give up,your worth more than you say,far more and don't worry about sharing your story, many here can relate to you.If you'd like I'm here to talk should you ever want to,you won't be bothering me at all and I'm sure plenty others share the same sentiment.

Electrical engineering is a good practical degree to get,

Could you email your professors and tell them about your anxiety or the issues that make you feel unable to interact with them?

If you don't they could be labelling you as a bad student, professors do this if they feel you are not serious about the class and they agree to give you bad grades.
The more you ask for help the more it shows you really do care, then they will stop grading you based on emotion and actually give advice and encouragement.

Well, I suggest you write a draft or some ideas of what you want to communicate your professors, what would be helpful for you that they know. And then I could help you writing it politely and coherent. And hopefully some native English speaker helps too , cause my skills are limited.
Some universities have guidelines to offer support and adaptations for students with AS (as well as dyslexia and such). So, even when yours doesn't offer it officially, it's not so weird to ask for that.

Yeah as whispers says write out a draft, then we can look at it.
Don't worry about it not being perfect just get the ideas out.

I will be glad to edit and proofread anything you write, long or short, for free. I'm good at it and always available. Please let me try to help.

chriswriter.weebly.com

I was in a rough place a few years back, and I would just tell you to keep remembering that in the future, whatever you are struggling with right now will be water under the bridge. Struggling with undiagnosed AS, I was flunking out of of school and drinking heavily... all the while lieng to everyone around me. The feeling ate away at me on the inside and i became desperate. My path was to simply leave it all behind. I came clean and moved back home to live with my Dad. I got sober, and my life has been slowly becoming a wonderful dream. There was a point where it was difficult to see myself where I am now. Just hold onto hope. Find out what your path with heart is. Don't let your concept of what others expect of you get in the way of what you want for yourself. What makes you happy and carefree? Pursue that. Its ok to check out of the game for a little while to do some soul searching. You can ask for help from the people around you. One of the most important things to remember is that the people in your life really love you, even if you think they might not... or would be ashamed of you. I know it sounds far out, but developing a relationship with God can really help. Its worth a try!! ! Look into it.... the world's great religions contain the kernels of wisdom that are needed to give us a direction in life. Even if you feel as though no one understands you... God does... and she loves you! I hope you will just take it day by day and really use this opportunity to change your life for the better. You will come away from this a stronger person.... and one day you will look back and be able to know why this had to happen in this way... when you have your Grandchildren at your feet!