Not sure what to make of this.

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My mother has made it very clear that she is actually very proud of the fact that she never was once on my side whenever somebody else was taking advantage of me in my life. Her rationale was that I was "incapable of seeing the whole picture" and that I should have "empathy" for everybody who ever beat and raped me when I was a child because I "have no idea what hard lives they have had".

Yes, seriously. I wish the above paragraph was an exaggeration.

She told me that she was "proud to always play the Devil's Advocate" because she thought I was "incapable of empathy".

The message I am getting is that she is capable of empathy for everybody in the world except for me.

Seriously, when I told her about the forced bestiality my aunt put me through, she responded by telling me that I had no idea how hard her life was. When I was being beaten by bullies in school, she responded by telling me that I had no idea how hard their lives were. When a creepy stalker was looking in my window every chance she could get, my mother responded by telling me I had no idea how hard her life was, and that I should not report her to the police because that would be proof that I was incapable of empathy for other people.

And now she is telling me that my stepfather was going through some very tough things that I had no idea about, as an excuse for how he always beat me and my sister while telling us that we had no legal rights until we were 18, and he was beating us over things as tiny as missing a spot on the kitchen floor when we were mopping it.

Why does nobody have any empathy for me?

Why am I alone in the world?

Why do the people who take advantage of me deserve my love and appreciation?

Why should I make amends to the people who raped and beat me?

I am getting the same message from a few people in the 12-step fellowships. That I will eventually have to "make amends" to my rapists, because their fragility is far more important than my self-respect.

I am alone in this world. People do not think of me as a human. They think of me as a punching bag, and how dare I stand up for myself.

I just fired a 12-step sponsor because he insisted that I should write a "letter of empathy" to my aunt and uncle, the very people who forced me to commit acts of bestiality when I was 10.

Goddamn it. I don't ask for much. I just want to be respected as a human being. I want some dignity, goddamn it. I do not want to grovel beneath my abusers for the rest of my life.

^^^

I'd put as much physical, as well as intellectual and emotional distance between your parents, as well as this 12-step group as you possibly can (like, say, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia). This kind of toxicity you could do without. Cut off all ties. Change your name, if need be, and burn all your bridges.

Just as there can be no atonement for our wrongful actions if a person we've wronged won't forgive us, forgiveness cannot be given to those who don't seek atonement for the wrongs they've done you. The people trying to force you into a vulnerable place in confronting your abusers to make amends(essentially forgive) with them, seem very much to be of a blindly idealistic mind set not anchored anywhere near reality. I cannot imagine confronting your abusers will bring about anything more in response than that which would bring you more pain and strife if they've never even hinted at remorse for the ghastly crimes they've forced upon you. Please take care of yourself and know that you are very much worthy of respect even though the people who should have been there for you most in this life were the most cruel... Their actions speak not of your worth as a human being, but of everything virulently evil within them.

Forgiveness is not the path to letting go of immeasurable pain as much as many would insist that it is. Forgiveness is forgiveness, and letting go is letting go... They are, ultimately, entirely separate tasks to master. Forgiveness is only necessary if wishing a healthy relationship with the people in need of forgiving, but to have any semblance of a healthy relationship, those people need to stop their wrong doings. In this case, I cannot see it healthy to have any contact with such people until they ask for your forgiveness and sincerely seek passage down the long road to making amends with you themselves.

Your mother is totally bonkers.

Absolutely no excuse for this abuse.

What kind of 12-step group is this? Is it for moving forward from PTSD, or is it for drugs/alcohol?

If people in the group are not taking your abuse history into account, then they will force something onto you that doesn't fit. I think sometimes people in 12-step groups can be very rigid in their worldview.

Don't let yourself be revictimized in this way. I also hope you are having little to no contact with those relatives!

Yeah, I agree 100% with kraftie's assessment of your mother. She is totally bonkers. Her rationale for having no sympathy for you makes no sense.

Yes, people who do bad things often have had hard lives or endured abuse. It's ok to feel empathy for the abuse that they have suffered, and to feel bad that it had happened. But that doesn't excuse abusive or criminal behavior. It might explain the behavior, but it doesn't make it right. People make choices in life, and many people who were abused (myself included) are not abusive themselves.

I do not know how to love myself in the same way that I love others.

I do not know how to have my own boundaries.

I do not know how to respect myself as a human being.

I see myself as inferior to everybody around me.

I want to be a man amongst men. I want to be a peer amongst peers. But I always see myself coming up short of that.

I am pretty much f****d.

you are taking positive steps to become a peer among peers by not accepting the folly of your mother and sponsor. give it some time. don't give up. you will most likely get where you want to go. find a twelve-step sponsor who understands your need not to be re-victimized. continue to stand up for yourself. i was in adult children of alcoholics twelve-step. there we learned to parent ourselves better than our own parents had. sounds like this would be in order for you, too.

As far as I'm concerned, you aren't f****d, until you're actually dead. Then you really are f****d, because it's too late to make changes. Until then, you can still do things to improve the aspects about yourself that concern you.

You can get therapy, you can read articles about how to build self-esteem, and you can change your habits to become a more assertive person that respects himself and sets boundaries. It takes practice, self-awareness, and hard work. But I think you can do it if you want to.

Yeah, I am in therapy currently.

It seems like my family appreciated me a lot more when I was an active alcoholic. I always gave in to their demands during those days.

Sobriety is increasing the tension in my bloodline.

I need to find a new AA sponsor. Preferably one who will not demand that I take responsibility for things that are not my fault.

I have enough trash on my corner of the street, too much to worry about owning the mistakes of others on top of that.

I know that my mother is bonkers. I know that she will never think of me as a human being. I know that is her problem, and I know I should not be owning it. It still hurts.

One guy I know in AA recently told me that because I was an alcoholic, that automatically made me incapable of caring about what happens to other people. I think he was trying to project his own issues onto me, and I do not buy that for one second. Recovery should not be a gauntlet of self-flaggelation. Anybody who successfully recovers from addiction of any kind does not need to cut himself down. Being humble is one thing, self-hatred is something else altogether.

I apologize for the above display of self-pity. I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, since wallowing will get me nowhere, no matter how comfortable it might be.

Well I think you're on the right track. I think everyone probably feels sorry for him/herself at times. It only becomes a problem if it's a habit.

Self-hatred can be useful at times, especially when a person first realizes that he/she is doing something bad or unhealthy. It can drive a person to make changes in the beginning. After that, it probably does more harm than good.

Definitely get yourself a new sponsor. You need someone who is going to be the person that is there to help you to get through things. I haven't been through AA, but I know someone who has, and her sponsor was/is really important for her recovery.

I think AA probably isn't always as helpful as it can be. It depends on the group. It's like therapists. Despite the fact that they are trained, some of them are just awful. And sometimes a therapist isn't really compatible with the client for whatever reason.