Does anyone else feel this way? ((Warning: Apsie venting))

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Or it just me being weird?

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to get attention or throw a pity party, I just want to let it out and see if anyone can relate.

I sometimes wish that my autism or my disgraphia had been a paralyzed leg or another physical handicap. Something visible. People understand what they can see and accept it. They don't try to wish it away like they do mental problems. I wouldn't have to hide it. No one would expect me to. Kids would support me through the hard times. My IEP would be for any class I took. I would be welcomed into honors classes. I would know what I wanted; for my disability to be gone. Everything would be so much clearer, so much easier.

I'm tired of struggling to hide my disability. I'm tired of not knowing where I end and the autism begins. I'm tired of everyone expecting me to know, to hide, to overcome it. I'm tired of being encouraged to take the regular classes when I'm smart enough for the advanced courses. I'm tired of being lonely and hurt. I'm really, really tired and I'm tired of pretending that I'm not.

I don't know how the special education system can be so calm when they tell me that the only thing that matters is how well I can perform on a few stupid assignments. They tell me no one cares how I feel, how much stress I'm in, or even who I am. How can they be so cruel, so heartless, so unfeeling? Who are they? What makes them so cold? How can they say that? Did they not know how much it hurts? Are they truly that heartless? How can they ban me from the classes I'm smart enough to take? Why? Why do they do this? Why? What do they tell themselves as they do it? What reasons have they found that now they can act as though I deserve this? It hurts. It really hurts.

I wish I could block out the world, encase myself in a wall of stone. I wish I could blot out my feelings, wipe my memory clean. I wish I could turn hard. I wish I could hate the world for what it has done to me. I want to hate them. I want to despise them all. I want to be filled with seething rage. I want to be so angry, so filled with hatred, that I don't care what happens or who sees. If I could hate, maybe I would be able to see some of the pain coming, or at least I would expect it when it came. Maybe my rage would even replace some of the hurt. I'd like that.

I wish I could die, so I might have peace. I've thought it a million times a day and I can't stop thinking it.

But I can't change. I can't hate. I can't die. I've tried. It never works. No matter how long they scorn me, I'll always want their approval. Always. I can't help it. I want to be liked. I want to be wanted. I want to be able to pretend I have a place in the world, whatever that deception costs me.

I don't know what to do. I never know what to do, what to say, how to feel. I am forever at loss. Tell me. What do I do now? Do I change? Do I force myself to either conform or turn cold? There are times I'm not sure I want to do either. I am who I am. Why should I have to change to live comfortably? But no one else here seems to think so. No one else seems willing to fight. And I feel so very weak. I can no longer pretend I am strong enough to make the world a better place on my own.

Will the torment never end? I am so tired of it all. I cannot last forever. I need hope, friendship, peace. I need to live, truly live. I need help. This life is all I have.

I know that sounded really, really bad and should probably be on some other board. I'm sorry you had to read it. But you know what? I'm posting and getting it out of my system anyway. Take that, world. Now please don't hate me.

If you have had any similar feelings or have any advice, please please post.

It is perfectly acceptable to post your feelings here. That's what WP is for.

Tim

Okay. Thanks.

You're definitely not alone. Welcome to WP.

I totally get how you feel...well, most of it, although I am long ago out of the education system. Finished at uni last year. I do not know what advice I can offer as I struggle daily with suicidal ideation and when simply depressed, with a desperate urge to not be here anymore. I mean, I figure nothing, or, if lucky, being free of the body and it's ties has to be better than this, but in the end there is always a part that keeps fighting on and that will not let go of life. I am sure there is a name for that, but I forget what it is.

It is good that you cannot hate, as hatred does no good at all...that shows that you have a good heart yourself, regardless of what others might be. It might get worse, it might get better, but if you ever decide to take an early exit, you may never know what might have been...or, if what the spiritualist claim is true, you may well get to see what might have been and have to come back and do it all over again, lol.

I would be hypocritical to say, don't kill yourself, since I think of it so often myself, but I will say to think long and hard about everything and yourself and maybe about what there is that is positive as there must be something...and to remember that those who get so many challenges are often destined to achieve great things...that is my belief anyway, as from suffering, you learn a lot more about yourself than you do if everything is a nice, steady, relaxing flow.

I feel the same, special ed seems to be for them not you. Just one more way to be excluded.

While they are being like they have to be you are free to learn what you want.

The only person worth it is yourself. School is a bunch of people you will never see again.

If it were not for forced socialization most would never speak to anyone. Put them together and they behave badly. In adult life they are shut out.

Get educated any way you can, it is the only thing worth keeping.

We may not be real world, but we will listen, sometimes say intelligent things, and know that I care for the thought behind words on a screen.

when i was younger i used to wish that i was completely ret*d and had to be spoon fed


now i constantly have suicidal thoughts-especially when im at work and i hate it

Very powerful.

When I was in high school, I had no idea what was so different about me. I only knew that I only had two friends, and, kind of, one at a time. I was bullied every day and took every little opportunity I had to make fun of someone else. It was my only defense.

I often thought, not of suicide, but of just being dead. There's a difference. I knew I didn't want to do the first, but often I wanted the second.

I now know that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I had no idea what was wrong at the time. Just that it was wrong.

Your feelings are very understandable. I hated my school for treating me like I was the problem. When I was bullied, they would tell me that I had to deal with it. Wow, big help!

Vent as much as you like. You've got to say it somewhere.

You should not attempt to hide your autism. You should bring it up in every context in which it is an issue.
Also, since you're in college (as am I), it is important for you to know that based on your AS the following may apply to you:
- your state government may pay for all your college costs
- you may get extra time and a separate room for any tests/exams
- it may be prohibited to grade you down for lack of social understanding on any sort of assignment
- assignments you can't do (e.g. presentations in front of the class) may be replaced by ones you can do

If you have trouble getting good grades, then it may help you to realize that the information given to you at school always consist of two parts: (1) the stuff itself, and (2) the way people think about the stuff. NT's are really good at (2) and often clueless about (1). For us Aspies it's exactly the other way around. So it's important for us to cut the chaff (people's thoughts about the stuff) from the wheat (the stuff itself). Go to the essence of the information and organize those data in your mind in whichever manner works for you. When you've got it organized, you'll know the stuff and you can be confident that you will be able to answer almost any relevant question that may come up.

I could have written that when I was in high school. Things get easier, because you start to understand why people act the way they act, but things also get a lot more complicated. Try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but also try to maintain your independency and free thought. Like someone else said, you have to sort of meet people halfway. If you exert all of your energy trying to be mainstream, you'll lose your natural, unique advantages. It's frustrating as hell not being able to maintain a specific emotion, I know, and sometimes you feel like a cauldron full of negative emotions that never really manifest themselves. My punching bag helps me to remove that energy.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It helps to know that I'm not alone.