Why is everything taken from me?

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I am so tired. Everything is being taken away. My glasses are broken, my laptop is dying, my best friend cannot be online and my father only cares about whether I have a job when I have been grappling with suicidal thoughts. That is all he emails about...that he wont help me forever and I need to get a job and he has a life too. I so want to seee him get a letter inviting him to my funeral. I don't understand what I have done to deserve this. I am bitter as I don't even seem to have the courage to take my life right now. I have the means, it would take just seconds, if that, but some part of this wretched human being still clings on for dear life. I threw another meltdown last night and cut myself with scizzors and accidentally went across that vein on the inside of your elbow, but not deep enough to do anything other than swell it up. It is ironic how much I want to leave, yet still have a fear of dying. What do I have to stay here for? A few online names isn't enough for me anymore. I have no future,,,they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but this isn't a temporary problem... I have not had any real peace in 20 years.

I don't know, but please stay here! You have been a very valuable asset to Wrongplanet, and I like you very much!

I don't know what to say to cheer you up, but i will say a prayer for you.

It's only natural to be afraid of dying. And you have a future, even if you decide that said future is death.

Maybe your father's right. Find something to do with your life. At the very least, you'll be to be busy to end your life.

Just keep hoping for the best.

I thank the part in you that clings for dear life...that is our hope here...which can lead to resolutions....and desirable outcomes...
I hope your father helps you until you are emotionally stable enough to find your place in this world....
You definitely have a place here in WP...
Would you consider it a good idea to discuss your emotional state with your father? Maybe he would become more understanding and supportive...

please try not to hurt yourself...we need to start from that...before we think about going out there and finding a place in this world...

((hugs))

There is one thing they cant take... my life. That is mine to take.

Apply for disability pension and public housing. It's too much for many aspies to struggle with work and being self supporting. definitely you gotta try it, but if it's too much, that's what welfare is for. have a rest.

Life will change,your circumstances will change.Your dads attitude to you will change.You will get a job.Stick it out-don`t be a quitter...

I don't really know what to say, but this. Why don't you just forget about everyone else and just do something for yourself? Sometimes that's what helps best.

i'm not much good at giving advice but here go's:

1 please don't go, i think your posts on wp are sensible and worth reading, your a good person don't give up! thank you again for all the advice you've given me in the past it has helped me.

2 if life is really that bad there's only 1 direction it can go and thats up, life will always be full of up's and down's, we all just need to learn how to cope better with the down's.

i hope you feel better soon!

Thanks. I am sorry for keeping on posting here. I am really struggling right now, and my parents are the only people in my real life...well, I mean, they wont accept or understand my difficulties. To them, it is purely and simply laziness and an unwillingness to change. I keep running through it over and over in my mind... how can I be this, how can I be that, how can I be what they want me to be...get a job, get a life, find it easy to do things like pay bills and deal with people... the fact is, as an adult, it is not acceptable to simply sit on one's backside and not earn a living each day.

I do not know why my moods are swinging so wildly. At the time..all I can think is that nothing is out there for me and it will not change...oh, and insane as it sounds, that some God or other is deliberately taking things away from me and punishing me for the fun of it. That is how it feels because as soon as I manage to find some small pleasure...it is removed in one way or another. How do you not get bitter at that? It is impossible to not get bitter when it has happened again and again... Maybe I am on some sort of instant karma deal or something...every bad thing I say/think/do brings back a negative result

I truly do not like being this way. I am not naturally a negative person... as a child, I was apparently always bright, inquisitive, sunny in disposition. But I have a lot of crap behind me that has made me more this way and I have some sort of mood disorder... I mean, let face it, how natural is it to swing from euphoric to suicidal every few days? I try to just leave and keep quiet about it, but who likes to suffer entirely with no support and no one to see? It doesnt work that way, does it. You are in pain, you seek comfort/solace. You dont have anyone in your real life...you turn to wherever you feel most safe on the net... or to whoever you feel safest with. At the time, you aren't thinking... I better not post, ill bring everyone else down...you think.. I want someone to know how bad I am feeling, I want comfort, I want to release this. At the time, I do genuinely feel suicidal and am a wreck...then it subsides for a while and returns again. It is taking so very little to set me off lately.

"Why is everything taken from me?"

Because you own [mostly] nothing, no one does -- anything that can be taken from you isn't yours; not even your life is yours. Tangible objects cannot be owned, a life that you never asked for isn't yours; every uniquely and unseen thought; emotion and/or perception is yours, and will always be yours.

You are sharing what is yours with us. Thank you.

Graelwyn...I've seen your posts over the past week or so about being really down and I am so very concerned and worried for you. I've lost 3 people in my life to suicide...you think no body cares because you have probably reached a very bad place where your mind starts to play tricks on you and convince you that you are worthless and have nothing to give to the world anyway...and that if you did end it all it would give people 1 less person to "pick on" (insert whatever negative thought you have).

I myself have been very close to suiciding once...10 years ago and even though I think my life at times is a pain in the ass now sometimes...boy am I glad I didn't smash that car into a brick wall...it was all I could think about...staying up every night...but I forced myself out of the house and found a doctor who was willing to help me and a fantastic women's centre.

I hope you find a way to let go at least some of the past negative messages you keep telling yourself. You need to go to a doctor though and get help to get you out of these suicidal episodes (I know it's not rocket science and I know you probably have tried a million things)...It's not OK to be this way. I wish there was some way I could help you....being in another country does not help! Are you able to contact a reputable organisation like a women's crisis centre or something where the staff are very understanding?

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now.

Well, please, tell us the truth!

Are you negative or are you positive?

Then, I will talk to you again!

Graelwyn, I've said before that I think it is a brain chemical problem. People's perceptions are usually pretty stable. I hope you consider seeing a psychiatrist. You can't change your parents and the only thing you can change is yourself. We have very little control over anything but ourselves.

Please think about getting help...