I'm such a crap friend

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The fact is, I haven't maintained friendships over the years. I also haven't kept in touch with extended family. It's to the point that I almost don't try to make friends or connect with extended family, because I know damn well I won't be there for them later. I think I'm being selfish, although it's also true that maintaining the friendship seems to take a kind of focus that I don't have.

Maybe you should not compare your friendship to the kind of friendship other people have. You should focus on your good qualities as a friend. For example beeing there when there is a certain need or something else.

Real friendship is not on the frequency of visits. But the way you can be there for the other person.

But I haven't done too well in the "being there" category, either.

I'm feeling particularly guilty about a person I was friends with 25 years ago. She visited me in the hospital when I was in labor, which I was very touched by. I moved to a different city and we sort of corresponded for a while, but then I crashed and lost track of my life for a few years. I'd like to contact her again but I feel so badly that I neglected her for so long. I cyber-stalk people I used to know, so I know that she was divorced a few years ago, and I wasn't with her for that. A crap friend, by my own definition.

I can relate to your problem. I only seem to have the energy to maintain like one friendship at a time. Anything more simply wears me out. I cannot keep up with social expectations. My friends who stick around know that I will not be reachable every minute of everyday, that I will socialize on my terms when I am able to. We may go for days or months without talking in some friendships, but we pick up exactly where we left off, no hard feelings. I find socializing really draining, even though I enjoy them, and the worse my health gets, the less energy I have to put into friendships.

I space out/day dream a lot as well, and often end up neglecting my social responsibilities as a result. I may end up abandoning a conversation part way through, without meaning to, and not realizing it to hours, or even a day later.

That is a bit difficult. You could leave it at this and concentrate on your current friends and your family. Or when you really want to be friends go to her and explain things.

Some good friends I kept in contact with. But there are some friends that I lost track of... sometimes certain people grow out of your life. It sort of happens and it does not help I am not the best person to visit people and talk with them on a regular basis. But like Noca says, I can only keep a few friends at a time, and maybe for you the limit is even lower, like one or two.

Maybe a bit strange, but sometimes I put a task for contacting friends in my tasklist. It seems a bit artificial, but it is a good way to show the friendship that I really feel.

All you can do, really, is to acknowledge the mistakes of your past, and try to do better in the future.

In my case, I'm afraid trying to do better in the future means not forming many friendships because I'm pretty sure I will be as crap a friend again. I'd also like to be in better touch with extended family (cousins, etc.) but every time I try to make that connection, I lose their address or email and I'm too embarrassed to ask again. At this point, I'd rather not even extend myself.

Yeah....I can understand that. I'm not so good at "extending myself." And that hasn't been good for me. I've been willing to taste that medicine for too long.

But if you want higher quality in your life, you might have to "extend yourself" in some fashion.

But be careful not to let the person with whom you are "extending yourself" use you in some fashion. People sometimes take someone "extending themselves" as an invitation to, say, borrow some money from the "extender."

Yeah, I miss some of my (not so) old friends too from high school, but I have reached out over FB messaging to one in particular, and we're currently on the topic of music - desert rock/groove metal, to be more specific. I'm also trying to friend him on Steam. Honestly though, I can't wait for our first high school reunion (which may either be this year or five years from now, I'm honestly not sure how my high school does it), cuz I want to give him a big ol' bro-hug. He was like a two-day-older brother to me in middle and high school.

And honestly, as far as extended family goes, I wouldn't worry too much unless you posted something incredibly stupid and self-pitying on FB like I did once, when I reflected (rather cynically) on a story about a woman who almost drove her autistic daughter over a bridge or a cliff or something, by saying "God f*** America - Land of the Freaks, Home of the Bigots," to which one of my more "control-freakish" aunts responded rather negatively. Sometimes being reclusive from people, especially in a case such as this, can be a little better than reaching out (unless you're reaching out positively, but not doing that still isn't nearly as bad as reaching out negatively, at least in my book).

Again, I wouldn't really worry about it - and if you would like to reach out, just start slowly and tentatively; practice a bit with some less intimate friends, or perhaps some more intimate ones that you're more comfortable with reaching out to (as I did with my buddy from high school). I wish you good luck in resolving this issue, and I'll be here in case you'd like to chat!

None of us are perfect, really. But if you own up to sometimes doing things that aren't kind, it's their decision whether or not the friendship is still an enjoyable one for them.

I'm more of a solitary person myself and need a lot of space, so I'm not someone who can talk every day, spend hours on the phone or on Skype, etc. Some people can deal with it, some people can't.

I have done similar things in the past. Being a "good" friend or family member means being responsible and making effort. For me, it's hard. I don't naturally remember to contact people or reach out. If things are stressful, I can't expend the effort without causing myself more stress. It just feels like I have too many social obligations, and I can't even take care of myself and do the things necessary to be independent. So I withdraw from people in order to reduce the stress associated with relationships.

I hope to change this aspect of myself one day, but I think I first need to learn how to be responsible for myself and independent. Likely I'll never be able to deal with the responsibility of having more than a few friends. I'm ok with that. Sometimes I think we just need to accept our limitations and focus on the things that we can change.