What to do with this useless existence?

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Life is really just an endless drag full of pain. I have very narrow interests, and I was never able to live my dream and will likely never, ever be for the simple fact of my biological gender, no, a genderchange would not set things right for me, checked that out. And I am just tired of life, I share no interests with anyone and noone share anything with me, I could not care less about anything beyond my obsessions. I used to be really indefferent about people, but more and more I feel just hate. Why do people are so cruel and discriminate on base of things I cant choose?
Waking up just pisses me, I am sick of life.

I am sorry you are feeling low...what was your dream? I did not realise there are dreams now that can only exist according to your gender... Hate wont resolve anything, I will tell you this having felt utter hatred towards people for a long time. It just drains you and seems to make you more fated to get a pile of s**t thrown your way. People are cruel because for the most part, people are selfish... I find it ironic that I have found more empathy and tolerance among we, who are supposed to lack empathy, than I have ever received from that world out there. Is there no way there to find others who might share some of your narrow interests? If now, then I suggest simply making connections on the net, as I have done, where at least you can turn off if someone is cruel. Not the same, I know, but there is such a large range of people on this cyber world, surely there must be someone out there you can connect to.

I have felt the same way.I dont have any solutions to your pain.I only know what has worked to some degree(allowing me to remain on the planet,for better or worse),for me.

My philosophy and world view use to be...."The world is not fare(DUh on me).....I really believed that if I was nice and tried to help people,insects,animals.....that my life would be better..ie..."god,would keep really bad things from happening to me"...I blame this delussion on being raised in a hyper religious family and my taking Christ teachings literaly...this lead to constant disappointments and eventual cynicism and anger....Not real helpful.

Then I became an alcoholic for about 10 years,which didnt do much for my depression but at least allowed me to be social,unfortunatly,also allowed me to end up homeless and unable to have access to my "obsessions",so not the best solution(I hate not being able to take baths.)

So,I had to devlope my own sudo- existential,simi -buddhist world view....and create blinders to over look any contridictions in my world view and reality.I work and spend my free time persueing my interests.I try and stay physically healthy by eating mostly healthy,getting some exercise,so,I wont have to deal with as many physical pains.I try and get rid of the complications(over doing things,stressers)that cause to many psychological pains.

I believe that human society is insane and the only way to function in it(for me)and keep ones my function ability(not be controled by depression and anger) is taking Effexor.It helps me not to focus on the insanity and enjoy my interests without expecting anything to come of them...they "just are" to help me kill time until I die(hopefully of natural causes and not my own hand)....there is plenty of time for me to die....the whole future,might as well enjoy my interests while I can ecause I have no idea if I will be able to after I die(pretty much,assume I will not be able to).

I hope that helps a little,but I doubt it.What has worked for me in not obsessing about my death,probably wont help many others.

Are you on medication?

@krex
I am 36 and in a way , waiting to die, I am atheist, and therefore anyway never had any interest in helping the world, I see my way in getting disability payments, keep off people and simply live in my dreams, the less I am in contact with this society, the better I feel. Currently the goverment puts pressure on me to get a job, but I will get off this, someway. I have obsession that is hard to do all alone these days, but maybe I should look into ways of living my obssessions alone. Unhappily never met anyone who shares them, and I did meet lots of strange people on the net.

@Graelwyn
Yes, hate drains, it makes me even more tired. But how to rid myself of it, only if I stay inside, I dont have direct hate, since I dont see anybody. My obsessesion unhappiely is denied my because of gender, its really bad, I could live a perfect live if I had the right gender, I would be the happiest person on the planet. But it will not be.

@Kosmonaut
no, no meds, no wayyy, got issues there
doctors discriminate

Some SSRIs are good nowadays.
I don't like them either, but i was suicidal about ten years ago.
They worked well for me.

I have not used them since, but there comes a point at when the positives outweigh the negative.
You deserve to get some fun out of life. At least, some refrain from misery now and then.

No, thats not for me, it would not work anyway, as I am not looking for "fun" anyway

Just something to bear in mind instead of suicide.

No, I prefer to chose death if I come to the conclusion that there is nothing here, than pills, life ends in death anyway

The reason I chose not to go into "psyc counseling" after getting a degree in psych...is that I cant prove to anyone that life is better then death.The reality is we dont know and will never be able to prove one way or the other.I may still choose to kill myself some day,but I am not suffering as much as I once was,so the lack of intense suffering has out weighed the suffering.I had to make a lot of changes in my life to find this balance.Mostly I just stopped trying to be an "NT"(long before I learned about NT/AS)and this helped a great deal.I also decided to try Effexor after years of fighting being on medication(based on my dislike of the concept of treating myself with SOMA,(read Brave New World),when I felt the problem wasnt ME but the screwed up world.I also learned about some RET,which helped my "philosophy of life" issues.I had to teach myself to stop focusing on the negative(which I realized did not make it any less real or screwed up)and focus on the things that gave me some sense of joy...riding my bike,petting my cats,reading and doing Soduko,collecting rocks,garage sales and dumpster diving,making art......


I had to "create" reasons to live.I also decided to not except any job I found unethical(not easy)and try and be helpful and nice when I had the energy to do so(small acts of kindness),that helped me feel like I was contributing something to the world to make it less "mean".I am not going to delude myself that I can change the world into something I like.I no longer research areas of interest...political,environmental....because they just make me suicidal,hardly conducive to making a positive contribution in these areas unless I am willing to burn myself in front of the white house(a few minutes of press time but they would probably get my "meaning" wrong and blame it on my AS or depression instead of political beliefs)....

So....thats where I am...I am 43 and not happy but not miserable,it's enough for now.I decided to make my "life changes" at 26 and gave myself 10 years.The deal I made with myself was.....if I made the changes and was still depressed after the 10 years,I could kill myself without guilt....At least I had tried.At 36,I decided the changes had worked well enough to try for another 10 years and then reevaluate......I think I will stick around but have another 3 years to decide.


Biggest pain in the butt is working.I swear 90% of my depression and anger are trying to deal with the work environment.If you can get on disability(might be worth getting a lawyer who works on commission)perhaps your good could out weigh your bad?


I hope you decide to stick around,I think aspies have something to contribute to the world just by existing.Killing ourselves seems to indicate that we have let "them" win by eliminating non-NT.Perhaps you dont have a reason to live because you havent tried creating one?I hope you will reconsider,the world needs our perspective(even if they dont KNOW it yet).The whole AS community is NEW,give us some time and see what happens(not being psychic,I have no idea what that will be)I am curious.

@krex:

I liked your insights. I've wanted to commit suicide a few times, but my life has stabilized and it's slowly getting better at this time. Getting the right meds did help, if only to allow me to get out a little, mostly for volunteer work or to visit such friends as I have. I do think that a lot of Aspies may also be bipolar, and that doesn't help matters.

@invivo:

I do feel your pain, though I can't give you any answers. In the end, you have to work out your own answers; all I can do is give you the unconditional support for making your own choices.

I will say that as an openly gay male, I am friends with two transsexual women (male2female), and they certainly appreciate the ready acceptance I show in a part of America that's still a bit on the redneck side.

krex: Thanks, your post is very insightful...I agree with you on many points...

invivo: From what I've learned from alternative medicine, it seems our mind/soul have this component called 'will to live.' According to their theory, it is this 'will to live' that enables us to continue...It was insightful for me that something inherent in me, and not only the situation, was a big factor in my survival...
For me, my special interests motivate me to go on...books, cats, writing, reading, listening to music, creating, healing...the little things in life...I can see that from another perspective they could be meaningless, but nevertheless they give joy to me...something to look forward to...Same for myself...if I look into my life, I can't find a particular meaning or significance...but still there is a part of me that values life very much...a part of me that wants to exist, that wants to continue...a part of me that creates reason to live, as krex said...
I think we are free to make any kind of decision...
But I would like to carefully suggest that maybe life has more to show you...even if something biological as your gender is hindering you from getting what you want...maybe if you hold onto life, things will become tolerable, and even better...please consider that finding reasons to live might be a good idea...

You never know what roads life will bring you down.

I know this is easier said than done, but I would suggest attempting to find a charity or other work outside of yourself to focus on. Even volunteering at a shelter for animals can be of use! Many people I know have said that they feel better about themselves and life in general when they know someone (or something) else is "relying" on them for companionship, a walk in the park, to ladle out soup, etc. Failing this, a licensed counselor can do much good. I know it can be a pain to try and find one that truly "gets" you, but when you do meet one that does, it is definitely worth it.

Good point, I think life can not be better, as it ends in death anyhow, btw, I never said anything about suicide, but if I wanna do it, I can even get assistance in Switzerland for example, many countries here in Europe give active euthanesia, not germany, though. I dont see life as something very valuable, really as it ends in death anyhow. Strange how everyone hear talks about suicide, I never said nothing about suicide.



Lawyers dont work on commision here, but I will desperatly try to get away from work, work is the worst nightmare in the world. It takes all ones time and sucks out energy, but giving nothing in return. I will not hold back my wierdness when going to the welfare office. Not at all. The employment agency wants me to see their doctor. Thats an opportunity.



The main reason to live is to f__k the normal way of living. Thats all that keeps me going, I wanted to do lots of things, but my gender counts all, my brain/soul/mind/ideal never anything. So I only live to scrap this world and figure a way to have my egoistic fun. I started calling some of that "art"
Been writing down things and puplished it on myspace etc. also done wierd graphics, art is given a very free status here, I will try to work with that. "Art exists that the bow may not breack"

Its great if ya all can live your special interests, I have not, art is not one of mine, it has become a refuge for me.

Certainly its important to give the world new unseen unheard perspectives. But behind all this is often just a person who wants to live a happy life, only that ones happyness is differend from that of NTs and others.

You must have great faith to believe that life ends in death...(by life,I mean our consciousness an "individual" and by death I am referring to the lose of the consciousness of our "self".)

I have been so wrong about so many of my past beliefs that I no longer can trust them as "beyond a shadow of a doubt."
I find the heaven and hell thing to be highly improbable as "places",maybe more...frames of mind.In which case,as Shakespeare says....."There's no such thing as heaven or hell but thinking makes it so"<We create our own in the here and now and may do so after the demise of our physical beings.

Something dieing does not lessen its value for me.I love my cats and their existence has value to me and will beyond their deaths.Perhaps the "eternal" has more value but I dont give animals/houses/cars more value because of their size,nor
do I give "time" more value because of it's length.....a second that creates an epiphany has more value then years of the mundane.

When I was younger.I believed I was born the wrong gender(as well as on the wrong planet).I could not relate to females that I knew and hated the rules that went along with being one(rules made mostly by my mother)I knew the limitations that were put on my biological gender.Until I stopped thinking of myself in terms of gender(others did not,but thats their problem).I am a being beyond gender...I would not rather be male(with it's own limitations and rules).many things in society ae changed according to gender and expectations....and many people have worked to make those changes.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the problem?You wish the world was different?You think the rest of the world gets to live out their "special interests"....some of them dont even know what one is and end up "buying one" from what ever commercial is on.
Nobody would pay me to do any of my interests....I work to pay rent because I didnt like being homeless and I prefer to eat.I pick jobs that dont own me....but pay me an agreed apon amount for an agreed apon amount of time...and the rest is mine.There are still things I want to learn...when that stops...I will be ready to leave.