not sure how I feel about this

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I am 27 years old. When I was a kid, in elementary school, I had no friends. Like, not one- I was the kid everyone hated and made fun of. I guess that's pretty normal for an undiagnosed aspie. But I switched schools in the seventh grade and at my new school one girl ventured to be friends with me. For the sake of privacy I'll call her "Helen".

Helen was my first real friend, and I learned a lot about socializing from her- for better and worse. She's really ADHD, but she would never admit it. She introduced me to the man who is now my (common-law) husband when we were 13 years old. Anyway, she can be really annoying, and I know now that I can be too, so we were friends on and off through high school. We were always having these huge fights and then getting back together. I have always thought she would make a horrible mother, for countless reasons. She's just not cut out for it.

After high school, we sort of went our separate ways. She married her high school sweetheart at 21, and I bummed around for a while- I went to university and college, but never finished anything, I smoked pot for a couple of years, and I moved around a bit. About a year before she got married, when I was still smoking weed and getting bad grades at university, she and I were drifting apart. She took me out to lunch one day- picking me up from my parents' place in her boyfriend's car, and offering to pay for lunch for us both, acting very superior. While we waited for our meals at the restaurant, she launched into a diatribe about how I was acting very immature, doing nothing with my life, and being a complete loser, and it was time for me to grow up, etc, etc. I walked out of the restaurant and didn't speak to her for years. I wasn't invited to her wedding.

Fast forward to age 25, and I got together with my husband/boyfriend, and he is still very close friends with her. He was the MC at her wedding. So I had no choice but to try and patch things up with her- or, at least, be CIVIL.

Today, she is in labour with her first child. Her husband is a drunk and although she loves him, she is unhappy with him. She's going to make a complete screw-up of her child. I can't begin to describe how terrible her parenting skills will be. And because she and my husband are such good friends, I am supposed to be happy and excited for her. I'm confused.

In some ways I am happy for her, because I do care about her. Besides, since I learned about AS I am starting to understand why she found me frustrating all those years. However, I don't think that she will ever understand why I find her so frustrating. I want to throttle her every time I see her, and she always has this look on her face like she thinks she's the most put-together, sane, responsible person in the world. She looks down on everyone and it's not justified.

I don't know if I want to meet the baby. I don't even like kids- since my miserable childhood, I have an intense fear and hatred of anyone under about 12 years old. But I have an unbreakable bond with Helen. I will never stop regretting that I missed her wedding, but I know she didn't want me there. I am so confused and upset!

I want to add that her hypocrisy is mind-boggling. One of the things she was criticizing me for at that lunch was that I smoked too much weed. I quit smoking weed when I was 22, but she started just before she got married and she only stopped when she got pregnant!

Well, maybe you can just act "polite" to her and that'll be enough. Doesn't sound like a good situation to bring a child into though. I hope it turns out okay.

Well, that doesn't sound very good. My instinct is that you should just fake politeness and not get into a confrontation. Just tell yourself that it isn't your business so you don't get too involved.

I just realized I'm totally having an anxiety attack over this. I NEVER have anxiety attacks.


I have these completely conflicting strong emotions about it! I'm disgusted with her for having children. I'm jealous because she is more financially stable than I am, and is actually married, and I kind of want to be having children too, but I think I would make a much better parent than her. And I'm happy for her, and I want to meet the baby, but I fear babies. And I don't know how she feels about me, I think she might still hate me, but I don't hate her, I love her.

I'm afraid to talk to her, because I know she will look at me with that condescending face. If I apologize to her she will take it to mean that I agree she IS superior. She will never forget it or let me forget it. But I don't want to miss my chance to be a part of this; she's the best friend I ever had and I still regret missing her wedding.

You know what she said to my husband, when she was pregnant?

She said it would be great to have this baby because the baby will love her so much. And he said, it's not always like that; the baby will be a teenager eventually and will defy you and hate you sometimes.

And she said she would just put her foot down, and MAKE the child do what she said. She said the kid will have to do what she says because she will be the boss and she'll just say "Because I said so!!"

When we were kids her mom used to say that s**t to us and we would laugh at her. She said it when she had no logical reason for what she wanted Helen to do. It was incredibly stupid, and we just did what we wanted anyway. "Because I said so..." what kind of a pathetic response is that?!

And that's going to be her answer to everything."Because I said so." That's just one of the many many reasons I think she will make a bad parent. She has no concept that her child will have a mind and a will of his/her own, and will require explanations. Helen is power-hungry; she will enjoy bossing her kid around for the hell of it.

I swear she is just having this baby because:

1. She thinks becoming a parent will make other people see her as more of a respectable grown-up (that's one of the reasons she got married too)

2. She wants someone to be the boss of

Hmm...sounds like she's pretty controlling. I mean she's kind of done the same thing with you too. I guess she wouldn't even understand how she is.

I am really feeling bad for this child.

My husband says Helen has grown up in the last several years, but I still see her as that snotty teen with the superior attitude. She still sees me as the arrogant, depressed pot-head I was when I was 20.

She means so much to me, though. I want to patch things up with her. I want her to see that I'm okay now, and that I might still be the same old aspie with severe executive dysfunction (although she doesn't know I have AS; I'm undiagnosed and only found out a few months ago), but I am a sane, stable adult. I want to get to know her as an adult. I want to see how she has grown and changed. I want to be a part of this baby's life.

How do I patch things up with her, without letting her get the impression that I am apologizing for walking out on her over lunch years ago? I couldn't stand to see that condescending look on her face.

I just know that if I meet this baby I will break down in tears.

We don't even live in the same town anymore. It sucks. She's the best friend I ever had... and I don't have a lot of friends.

Please, someone tell me how to fix things with her.

I had a falling out with a long time friend during a similar situation. The difficult thing for you is your partner is close friends with her, so it makes it hard to cut ties with her. I can understand why you are having anxiety about the whole thing and fearful of the situation.

It will be hard to meet the baby, it will be hard to see her act superior because now she is a mother and knows so much more than you do (I'm basing this on her past 'i'm superior' behaviour)...

there's no point trying to discuss things with her now because having a baby is a huge time in someone's life and you can pretty much be sure that you are not her priority right now. And that's OK. (Trust me, I found this out the hard way!).

I can't give you any practical advice other than to avoid confrontation with her or your partner right now...you could end up looking silly and immature (and let's face it, our reactions can be immature to NT's, even though we think we are being logical). I also think your partner's friendship with her is a little bit distressing to you also because he can see the good in her and you think that undermines your opinion of her.

I think you are just going to have to meet the baby, and try and focus on things that you do have control over, like your relationship with your partner and focusing on making your life the best it can be. Good luck.

Thanks for your responses, guys. Thanks for helping me calm down. It's so strange that I had an anxiety attack over that. The whole thing meant more to me than I had wanted to admit.

You're probably right on all counts, Eclair. I really appreciate your insightful perspective and sage advice. Thank you.

Maybe I'll just let my husband/boyfriend/whatever meet the baby on his own, and we'll see where life takes us.

I suspect that when I do finally start having children, she'll suddenly show up in my life again, wanting to "help" me by showing off her vastly superior experience and wisdom. When that happens, I just might wrap my hands around her neck and choke her.

That's funny...then her child will be an orphan and you will have to look after it!

Glad you are feeling a bit more OK with the situation. Hope it works out OK.

I was thinking about this, and it seems like maybe your husband could give you advice too, or kind of patch things up with her or something? (Or let you know how she feels about it.)

I think she probably feels that she doesn't want to be friends with me because I'm somehow not good enough for her. She certainly thought I wasn't good enough for my husband, when he and I got together. She thought I was some kind of monster and I only wanted him for his money (what money?!) and I was going to use him up and smash his heart to pieces. She has learned that she was wrong, but it really hurts me that she would think that. I love him more than life itself and he will father my children someday.

Anyway, she thinks I'm not "good enough" for her, whatever that means. So I'm not going to talk to her or congratulate her or anything. Instead I'm just knitting a soft, warm mauve blanket for her new baby girl. She was born yesterday, a month early but full term and a healthy weight. I started working on the blanket today and I hope to have it done within a week. I'm not very good at it but I'm doing my best!

Not that I know anything, but it seems like this is her problem, not yours, and all you can do is be polite and try not to let it bother you (easier said than done sometimes!)