My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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I think he's having an emotional affair with someone. I don't know how or even if I should confront him about it.

Well, if you are reading this then you know a thing or two about life as or with an Aspie. We're not the greatest for emotional support. I was diagnosed a few years ago, but have suffered with depression and anxiety all my life. Happiness is a struggle. Being married to me hasn't been easy. In the 20 years we've been together I try to make up for it by making his life easier in other ways. I take care of the house, the bills, his clothes, give him space to do his hobbies or interests. He's one of those guys who won't buy new socks or underwear, would rather be outdoors riding his mountain bike than doing chores. He'd never noticed his appearance, or take care of himself. If his radio or phone broke, he'd never get around to replacing it because of cost. But spent a fortune on parts for his truck or bike.

I'll stop for a second and apologize for my writing abilities. This has to read like a rambling mess.

He struggles with body issues mostly dealing with age related stuff and his weight. He has a short fuse but has never been violent. It's difficult to tell if he's annoyed, grumpy, or angry because they all look and sound the same. He's not NT but he's not on the spectrum either. He does slip into the blues, especially in the winter with shorter days. He's been getting distant from me lately because our interests are so different. We get each others humor and thoughts about life. I can usually read him like a book. But he hates that I can't or won't do outdoor activities like biking or hiking.

Anyway, a month ago a friend (Fred) he's known since high school was in a serious car accident. He broke his back and is paralyzed from the waist down. My husband stepped into the role of Fred's guardian, talking to his doctors, refitting his house to be accessible for a wheelchair. He's also been the emotional support for Fred's wife and kid. My husband works a lot, 6 days a week and sometimes he's not home until well into the evening. Since this happened I see him even less. I've offered my help but my husband has not taken up the offer.

So my husband is bad about giving me emergency contact numbers or letting me know where he is. I've called him out on it in the past. Last week he had a work thing he had to help set up after his normal work day across town. I knew he's probably stay after the party to help clean up. There was a big thunderstorm and I had been texting him pictures of the hail. He sent some back of the rain slowing down traffic. That was about 6PM. After 10:30PM I started to get concerned. I called but his phone was off. Logical conclusion was either his battery was dead or he had turned it off on purpose.

I thought Fred had another set back and my husband was back at the emergency room. I realized I didn't have Fred's wife's number. Soon it was midnight. Was he dead? In an accident? I checked the internet for news of any car accidents. Then I went to our phone bill to check if his phone was active or what the last numbers he called were. Maybe those people would know. But I didn't recognize any of the numbers. He hadn't used his phone since 8PM. He finally calls me after 1AM to say he lost his phone, he had worked late and had to go back and get it.

He had to use my phone for a few days a couple of weeks back while his was being repaired. Swapped sim cards so he could continue to use it for work. When he got his phone back he deleted all the chat and call logs. A little odd but whatever. I still had a copy of his contacts in my phone. I searched the contacts for that one number, 7394. I didn't find a match. So it wasn't work related. I noticed on our bill that he talked to this person a lot. First person he texts in the morning, last at night. Sometimes 20 minute phone calls. Exchanging pictures.

I got paranoid. I kept watching the usage data on our phone account. He was texting 7394 even during conversations with me. I googled the number and got nothing. I didn't want to snope on his phone, couldn't if I wanted to. He has it pattern locked and doesn't let me use it at all.

He's been depressed since Fred's accident, talking about life changes and death. He's re-evaluating his life. Talks about giving up his dreams to marry me. For the record I support him in whatever he wants to do, he didn't pursue his dreams on his own. I kept asking him to let me help him. To talk to me. But back to the phone he goes.

I told him he's not the only one who thinks about death and how I was so worried that night. I asked for contat numbers of his boss and friends he regularly talks to in case of an emergency. Guess what number he didn't write down? I told him I think he's keeping secrets. He says everyone has secrets. He tells me I need therapy because I'm unhappy and he's broken trying to make me happy. He says he's not happy.

This week he will be at Fred's house every night after work. Last night after me begging him to talk to me, to let me help him, we sat in silence. But he was still on his phone. We don't have kids, we have cats. One got up on him lap so he took a pic and texted it to someone. I checked the logs, it was 7394.

I paid for one of those reverse number reports and it had no name. But several email addresses. One lead to a single mom who happens to be friends with a female doctor. The one who operated on Fred after his accident. That was the day the contact started. Now it's an all day every day contact.

I don't know what to do. I think all these years of major depression episodes, him being the sole reason I have too live have finally taken their toll. He wants an out. He mentioned divorce once years ago, that I should divorce him. But he knows I have no place to go. I have no means of support. No family after years of keeping them away from me out of fear of hurting them.

He'd never cheat physically, but falling in love with someone else never occured to me.

Do I confront him about the secret relationship and ask him to stop until we get counseling?

I'm so sorry you are going through this! It's not your fault. My mother was in this same situation where my dad was cheating on her, and she had no means of supporting herself.

I'm not sure what you should do - you could always go seek a marriage counselor yourself and ask them what you should do, how to best handle this. Then maybe your husband can start coming.

I hope others have better solid advice for you, but I'm very sorry that you have to be in this situation

Well yes, confront him about his relationship. It's not right for him to be in a relationship with you just because you can't support yourself, nor is it right for him to not tell you about a growing bond that he's having with someone else. Of course there are others who think that marriage is sacred, and if that is the case then something must be worked out and counselling seems the only possible way.

I'm sure there's a lot of background regarding why you kept your family pushed away, but you could hurt them how if you contacted them?

There are laws around him not leaving you destitute if separation/divorce should occur, especially if you cannot support yourself. For instance, in my divorce I could have taken far more money from my husband than I did, and he could have paid me settlements for years to come because of my depression. But there are no legal emotional supports. Do you have friends, clergyman, a counsellor you can confide in right now?

I was the person who fell in love with someone else in my marriage, and my marriage wasn't even a bad one, my husband was my best friend. But my heart wanted what it wanted still. I miss my friendship with my ex-husband who understandably wants nothing to do with me now, and even though the new relationship I stepped into has now fallen apart and caused me a lot of grief, I needed to do what I did. I would have spent my entire life regretting that I had not taken that step. But that was me, and it took me months after falling in love to take that last step to leave my marriage, and I talked about it with my poor husband a lot. He had a right to know what I felt.

Your husband really needs to come clean about this. Getting it out in the open is the first step to some sort of resolution. You can't solve this on your own. This is a joint endeavor, and it requires both of you to figure it out.

I've struggled with thoughts of suicide my whole life. My family isn't very supportive of me emotionally anyway, with my bouts of depression they were helpless. Some twisted part of my brain decided that not being involved in their lives was less painful. And that if I ever did kill myself, it might lift the burden of guilt somewhat.

It's dumb and I should have sought counseling for it years ago. No, I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm trying to make appointments now but no luck. Everyone is booked for weeks. I'm scared he won't wait around for me to get help.

We have some things in common.

Take some time out right now and relax. Take a few deep breaths. Is it nice outside? Go for a walk, try to notice things that are pleasant, the sun, birds chirping, anything.

I too have struggled with depression and suicide, and breaking up with my most recent guy (the one I fell in love with) ultimately left me in the psyc ward for 10 days. I had never been so...immovable in my life. My plan was to dehydrate to death. I really think I could have gone through with it. This happened only a couple months ago. My parents and family at large have helped get me through this even though I have largely avoided and not confided in anyone about anything about my personal and emotional life before.

I too have ostracized myself from my family as much as I could, and not necessarily for bad reasons. I didn't have emotional support growing up, even though I wasn't abused or neglected otherwise, just a very cold environment emotionally. My first suicide attempt when I was, oh, 17 or 18, while living with my parents, we didn't talk about at all and the following day my mom was at me like usual, to get my chores done. They left me financially then a couple years later despite saying they'd pay for my undergrad degree, because of disagreements over how I should live my personal life and me not performing to their standards at university, as I struggled more and more with depression (and other unknown health issues contributing to depression.) My mom in general is controlling, my dad is spacey.

But reaching out to them actually helped. I know people are pretty unable to help depression, but they can be there for you in times of worry, and might offer you places to live and stay while you get through all of this. I think this might be the best thing for you do right now, getting in touch with family. They still know you better than anyone else, and they will probably be glad to hear from you and be worried and very concerned that your husband is doing this to you. If they are kind-hearted people they will have your back, and that's what you need right now.

Do not worry about people being booked for weeks, find someone who seems like they'll be good for you, make the appointment. There's no point in beating yourself up over not doing that sooner; it's really hard to take steps to get therapy/couselling. And there's no point in blaming yourself for his behavior, that's all on him, not you. Do not blame yourself.

And if you feel like doing something drastic, please call the hospital or a suicide hotline or something else. There are, in fact, lots of numbers around, probably some in your area, that you can call whenever you want and get to speak to someone at any time, even if it's not drastic, even if you're just lonely. I know there is one in my area that I haven't called but I know it's there. Hang in there.

I'm glad you've reach out to a couple of people. Keep this updated if you like, I come back here usually a few times a week. Only time and talking etc will tell what's going to happen.

Ugh, I'm an idiot. I can't edit the original post but I wanted to clear up one finer point. The last number he called the night of the storm was the 7394 number. I saw how often he contacted that number and then went about trying to find out who it belonged to.

I have given him opportunities to admit to what he is keeping secret from me, but he won't say.

When he gets home from Fred's tonight I will ask him who the number belongs to and why he felt he needed to keep it secret.

I'm no good at conflicts and feel like puking my guts out just thinking about this.

After a full day of shaking, crying, and nausea the moment came. I was calm and collected. Tried to speak slowly and surely.

He didn't get home from Fred's until after 11PM. He had texted me 9:45 that he'd be on his way in 20 minutes. Instead he stopped by his cousin's house who lived near and hung out for half an hour. I didn't met him at the door or anything dramatic, just waited for him to talk about whatever he wanted and get ready for bed.

I asked him to look at something and handed him a piece of paper with the 7394 number on it. He didn't know what it meant, a phone number? He doesn't remember people's numbers. I asked him to turn the paper over. On the back was written the number of minutes he spoke with that number by voice in this billing cycle, about two weeks. I didn't include the amount from the weeks before. It totaled to about 4.5 hours worth of calls. The next number was 900 something of messages they had shared between them. That also includes sharing pictures.

He was immediately defensive, but I remained calm. I heard, "Really? Checking the phone bill?" He crumbled it up and threw it away. I told him I know that number isn't work related, and I know it wasn't any of his friends I know about. How it's the first person he talks to when he gets up at 5AM and the last he talks to at 10PM when we go to bed. He said it must be his friend Ashley (well now I know for sure it was a woman).

He was silent as I told him I knew he wasn't having sex with her, but that the relationship he had with this woman had crossed a line in inappropriate. I asked why he kept it a secret. I explained as best I could based on the countless articles I read yesterday, what he was doing was an emotional affair. It was still cheating.

I would stop occasionally to ask if understood what I was saying, he replied yes. But otherwise he was silent and staring at me. Which kind of weirds me out, especially insecure about the huge freaking lip pimple I have right now. Ugh, what a day to feel hideous.

I told him I wanted it to stop. To end it until after we have gone to therapy. That might have been a mistake to say "until". I forgot to say erase the logs and make a clean break. I reassured him I didn't snoop in his computer or phone. But that I did want more transparency, he was free to look at anything on my computer or phone. He said he had no reason to. I concurred, but added it should be the same for both of us. No password protections, no hiding things. I told him I wouldn't go digging through the phone bill online again because, as far as I was concerned, I trust him to do the right thing. It is all on him now. The big question is, will he be strong enough to do. Will he resent me for making him give up his new best friend?

The temptation to check the phone usage is insanely strong. But I gave my word. I can only hope he will keep his.

Would it be out of line to ask him tonight if he broke it off? Full no contact?

Out of line is not the question to ask. Would it be productive? Would it be wise?

I'd wait until the two of you get in counseling. You've hit him with the bombshell that you know about his behavior. Let that percolate a little while.

I think you should try your hardest to leave it be, just as he is going to have to try his hardest to stop contacting this woman. Just as he has to see if he has the strength, it will take a lot of strength on your part. Maybe as he is trying to work on himself (at least to the minimum of not contacting this person anymore), maybe you should (instead of staying focused on him and his struggles and issues, which he should be tackling), try to focus entirely on your own struggles and issues, trying to do as much as you can to better everything that you bring to the relationship. Try to tackle problem #1: do whatever it takes to try to regain your peace through your own efforts. I know, easier said than done.

Let it percolate. I'm sure you guys will at some point discuss whether this has continued, but in my judgment, you should give him a little time to reflect. And you don't want to be obsessively cyberstalking. Not healthy for you, and transgresses boundaries for him.

Assuming you're in the Northern Hemisphere, it's spring. Why not take up some sort of outdoor hobby like gardening or just a long walk every morning?

Then exercise indoors. It's a great way to clear your brain and loosen up your muscle tightness.