I don't know what to do with my life anymore

Post Reply New Topic

I've been getting more and more depressed for the last few weeks. I just feel like everything is futile. Years ago I felt like I couldn't achieve my goals, now I feel like when I achieve my goals I get no joy from it, like it's futile. What good is achieving my goals if afterwards I find they don't make any difference.

It all seems futile, no matter what I do, no matter how many times I win, it's all the same. I feel like I can't take any joy in the things I used to like. I'm not even sad, just emotionally numb. Like it doesn't make any difference either way.

Last night, as my girlfriend was dumping me as gently as she could (because she met a guy she likes at a funeral and because she's attracted to older men (I was younger than her))... Last night, as my girlfriend was dumping me she said she thought I had chronic fatigue syndrome, which may be caused by undiagnosed diabetes.

She's no doctor but that's her hypothesis, after she observed drinking 5 or 6 litres of water every day and going to the john every half an hour. Also I feel very tired a lot of the time. It's been that way since I was about 15. She said she didn't like my messy apartment. She said I have plenty of time in the evening after work, I said that was my rest time and I didn't want to be spending every waking moment on either work or housework. Also when I get home I'm really tired. Sometimes I try to tidy up but I end up getting more tired and have no choice but to collapse on the couch.

I told her maybe she was right. When I stopped trying in high school and when I dropped out of community college, all those times I did it because I felt exhausted. I felt like a lazy idiot. She told me she thought I was very smart. I told her if that was true, then without all this fatigue I could have achieved a lot. After I got my current job, I spent a lot of time obsessing over how I never went to university but lots of other people did and feeling like they're superior to me.

Was it because they had stronger willpower than me? Or was it just because they didn't have some undiagnosed medical condition weighing them down. What does it matter. The world judges all people equally, without considering their circumstances. In the world's view, every failure is a personal failure, not a medical failure, not a failure of circumstance. If I try to tell them I had some sort of medical condition, they will tell me it's only an excuse. The world has no time for excuse makers.

Remember they say everyone is equal. If everyone is equal than they must think everyone is equally privileged, equally healthy, etc. They must think everyone had an equal chance.

So if I have some medical problem (and that's a big if, I'm no doctor) and I get it successfully treated, what then? I can't go to university because it would mean leaving my job. The solution? Just try to get better at my job, get promoted, etc. There could be a bright future in that but there's a part of me that feels like it's selling out.

If I get some cure that gives me 3x more energy... or maybe it's just depression and getting that treated gives me more energy, what them? I can work lots of overtime, longer hours, more money, more chances to get promoted and maybe that would make me a corporate sellout.

How should I define success in life? Is the definition of success getting promoted to a 12 hour per day job? I don't know if that's what I want.

If I don't spend my time building my career, that feels like I'm waisting my time that could be spent improving my career. But if I spend a lot of time building my career, that feels like I'm waisting time that could be spent living my life.

So is a successful life someone who spends all his time in an office and attains a lofty position or is a successful life someone who works no more than necessary and spends a lot of time outside enjoying life?

What does our culture say is the goal of life? To enjoy life or to get a fancy job title? Which of those is success in our culture? Does our culture say we should pursue wealth or pursue happiness? Are wealth and happiness just same thing?

And just who's in charge of what our culture says anyway? Is our culture shaped by a genuine desire for improvement? Or by media figures with ulterior motives? Or be random forces which have an equal chance of making it better worse? (like a sort of butterfly effect)

Maybe I could make more money. I don't know what I'd do with it. I thought the solution to my debts and financial problems would be the just get a higher income. If I'm bad with money, that's like trying to solve a leaking water main by pumping more water into it, in hopes that some will still reach the other end.

I don't save because I spend recklessly. I thought if I had a higher income, then I'd have enough money to both save and spend recklessly. Maybe I should just save.

There are people at my work who get paid more than me and yet they seem to live in the most spartan austerity. They're always saving. I admire this but I don't understand it.

I feel like I couldn't work hard and make a lot of money if I didn't have the reward of spending that money. If I get paid a lot but live in austerity, then I would feel as though I'm being paid very little. Either way I'm not spending much money.

I feel as though if they go their whole lives saving their money, they will die without having enjoyed any of it. They could live their whole lives like paupers and then die leaving a fortune.

What is the cut off point? If you save, then for how long? I know that with investments your savings could double every ten years. So that makes it seem smarter to save, not spend and so be able to spend twice as much ten years from now.

But after ten years, do you spend your double sized fortune? Or is it better to wait another ten years and so have 4x as much. If you wait 30 years you could have 8x as much. If you wait 50 years you could have 32x as much and also be dead.

So if your fortune is growing, than what is the cut off point between letting it grow more and being so old you can't use it? It's the same question as, if I work 7 days per week does that mean I get paid a lot but have no time to spend it on recreation. Both are the same type of thing but one is long term and the other is short term.

So if I work longer hours, does that mean I'm being a better person or does it mean I'm being a sellout and just doing what the company wants? If I save my money, does that mean I'm being a better person or it mean I'm only doing what the banks want?

Either way I feel like I lose because if I work less or if I don't save than I feel like I'm being less virtuous than other people. Heads they win, tails I lose.

When GF left me, I felt hurt. Even though she wasn't perfect she had many good qualities. She was nice and kind and she was a lot of fun. I started chatting up one of the girls from my little black book but I'm not sure if there's any point.

When I was with GF, I worried that people would judge me for being with a larger, less attractive girl. I have some girls in my little black book who are very thin and underweight. Surely other guys would be impressed if I was with one of those girls, right?

Wrong. The problem with trying to impress other guys with how hot my girlfriend is is that every guy has different tastes. I know a lot of guys find underweight girls unattractive. Most of the girls in my little black book are Asian. That would impress some guys but not other guys.

GF said she felt I was immature and therefor should be with a younger girl, while she chases after an older guy she met at a funeral. I may be attracted to some youthful 20 year old but would other guys be impressed? Not if they're attracted to some other age group. At my age I worry people will say it's immoral for me to date a 20 year old girl.

I feel like I'm going crazy trying to decide which type of girl I should be with and that I should just take a rest from girls. The girl I chatted up last night said she wants to dump her current boyfriend but she's worried I'm to emotionally effected from being dumped so she said we should just be friends for a while and not have a relationship until later.

I worry that I've wasted my potential and that I'm still wasting my potential. The trouble is I don't know what that potential is. I feel like I should work towards my goals but how can I when I can't decide on my goals?

Should I try to achieve more or is it wrong for me to measure my worth by my achievements?

Is money more important or is having fun more important?

Neither. I don't really have fun anymore but I usually end up wasting my money.

Ok so fun is out for the moment. How old are you and what kind of job do you have?

@RetroGamer87: Working more is not virtuous, not in this century. Saving money make sense if it's for reaching a goal, like erasing debts or buy something you dream off, but without goal there is no point beyond a emergency supply. We live in a highly competitive society pushing toward social Darwinism, it's not something fit for depressed "lazy" aspies like us and I think the purpose of our life should be found outside usual society standards.

Forget about trying to impress your friends re your girlfriend.

Maybe you should see a doctor. Do you really go to the John every half hour?

I have the same issue. I'm always tired and exhausted and nothing brings me much pleasure. I'm not convinced I have the normal type of depression. It doesn't stem from how I feel about myself. The "think positive" BS does nothing. It feels like it's a physical illness. When there's no joy nothing has meaning. Everything is a bore. I now accept that meaning is relative. It depends on having the right chemicals/dopamine receptors. Happiness isn't some philosophical BS you can find by "searching". It's a physical thing, like everything else in the universe. If you don't have good dopamine, you're kinda f****d. I hate sounding nihilistic, but most people are delusional and take how they feel for granted. They don't even realize it's all a f*****g chemical. The only medications that work for my depression are the ones that involve dopamine, like stimulants/speed. None of the non-addictive medications work for me. I might as well take adderall all the time. It's the only thing that makes me feel like a normal human being.

I am 28 and I work in IT for Hewlett Packard Enterprise.Working harder is not virtuous in this century? So what is? What is beneficial in this century?

I'm fascinating by tales of the Japanese and Taiwanese economic miracles and how they achieved that but that was last century. What worked in one century won't work in this century.

So what then is needed for this century?

I think you're right that we're heading towards social darwinism. How can we deal with this? Perhaps the only solution is to out compete the NTs in the social darwinism game. What else is there?Then that means happiness isn't real and therefore not worth having. If the purpose of our existence is to pursue happiness and that happiness is illusionary then there is no reason for you or I or the world to exist. All of it exists without purpose in the futile war between evolution and entropy. Then why are we so hard on drug addicts? They take drugs to get dopamine. Other people may het dopamine from their recreation, their partner, their family, their achievement. Why is it better to get dopamine from these things instead of drugs when the end result is the same, both flood the brain with dopamine.

Why is it worse to die from drugs than old age when both drugs and old age have destructive effects on the body. Why try to preserve this body when it exists for no purpose? No matter how long we live we are mortal yet no matter how short our lives this moment will exist frozen for eternity, this slice of time, forever sandwiched between others.

Do we exist for no purpose but to fill our heads with dopamine? What if there was a button you could press that would flood your brain with dopamine. You could press away until the day you die. Why wouldn't that fit the definition of a happy and successful life?

Or is our purpose in life to reproduce? Pawns in the game of evolution. In that case how are we any different from grey goo, or a virus.

Which is a better source of dopamine? Happiness from recreation or happiness from achievement? If I have a really successful career, can I use smugness as a substitute for recreation? I'd love to get some aderall. Think of how much weight I could lose. One of my friends tells me there is a stimulatant based anti depressant called Motavigil, I can't wait to try it.

I don't see the logic in the claim that happiness is futile. Just because it is relative and mainly driven by chemicals doesn't mean it's not worth having. It's just less pleasant to think about. I really envy people who have never been depressed. They have the privilege that they can just take for granted the things that make them happy. They don't worry about times when those things will no longer make them happy and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it (other than drugs). That happiness is relative and ephemeral isn't pleasant to think about. It's actually really disturbing on a very deep existential level. I just can't go so far as saying happiness is pointless. I don't see any logic to that.


The powers that be won't let us just sit around being addicts because they need worker bees to keep the machine of capitalism going. Hard drugs are illegal for the same reason suicide is illegal. They can't make it too easy for all the miserable people to simply opt out of the system. There's too much at stake for those at the top of the food chain who need the good worker bees.


It doesn't work very well if you aren't a person driven by narcissism. The capitalist model is built on the assumption that everyone is a deluded narcissist. Most people aren't happy doing the mindless exhausting crap they are forced into just to lead a basic life in physical comfort. The assumption is people won't put up with it without the delusion that they could become rich and/or full of prestige some day. That's why there's all this emphasis on moving up the ladder. You have to be driven by narcissism to fit in with the system. If you are driven by other things you are in for a life of emptiness and misery.


They won't let me have stimulants anymore. The closest thing I can take is Wellbutrin (don't know what the brand name is in Australia) but it has annoying intestinal side effects.

You sound like you have a pretty good job, so do something kind for yourself. Hire a housekeeper to come in a few hours a week and clean, straighten, and organize for you. It's just not right to knock yourself out working, then come home and do more work. And yet, living like a slob isn't good for your own mental processes, and it's kind of hard on your partner, when you have them over. So the solution is easy. I've had a cleaning person for many years and it's a necessity - not a luxury - for someone like me.

I am hearing a sort of autistic burnout when you describe your exhaustion. How many hours do you work, and could you possibly reduce that? You might need to request it as an ADA accommodation, they don't need to know the diagnosis but just that your doctor thinks your fatigue makes it necessary. Anyway it's something to think about.

I would like to suggest going to a beginning yoga class, or else a meditation group. Go regularly, even if it's just one time a week, do it every week. It will give you more of a sense of control over your own life, and I think it will make you happier.

Yes, without depression they can get good grades in school, go through college with relative ease while enjoying the campus social scene and then put their efforts into their career.

All the while with less effort then their depressed counterparts. But the worst thing about these lucky people is they don't recognise that depression leads to low energy. If we get bad grades in school or uni or if we have to take on easier jobs, they call us lazy. They say we're surrounded by opportunities and then criticise us for not taking them. It's not just criticism, our society is set up with the expectation that all people will be high energy. Probably because the policy makers are high energy and they think everyone else is high energy like them.Wow, that's pretty dark. Probably true though. It's definitely more convincing than the idea William Randolph Hearst banned dope for his paper mills. I don't by that theory because Hearst was his own customer when it came to paper, he didn't have to sell it to anyone.

It sounds much more accurate that they'd ban dope and other drugs in the 20th century because it doesn't fit the "protestant work ethic " which was worked out in the 19th century to fuel the industrial revolution. It's like they thought their workers were just another piece of factory equipment. The Chinese copied this but forgot it's original purpose. Instead mixing it with Confusion ideals about meritocracy, so instead they long hours of makework more than raising productivity, leading to a life consuming inefficiency. Not to mention the ancient public officials exam evolved into the grinding modern day Chinese schools that don't even hide the fact that they're teaching to the test.


The Japanese were quick to mix the protestant work ethic with Shinto ideals of absolute loyalty. No half measures if you're loyal to your employer that means you're absolutely loyal to your employer. That means you enthusiastically give him him all your waking hours, even if it doesn't increase productivity. Think of morning chants and mandatory company picnics.

Anyway this protestant work ethic is already a manipulative screw over for normal people but for the depressed and the easily fatigued I can see how it would make life impossible. And the brain washed worker drones will blame you for not doing something that is for you, impossible, working your life away. So you get depression and you get shamed, sometimes even by your own family. They've been brainwashed by the boss to badmouth their own family.No wonder I got so depressed a few years ago. I transitioned from a hedonistic motivation to a narcissistic motivation.

I blamed my past self for not living up to my present ideals but is was not a failure because in the past I lived by very different ideals. I succeeded in achieving very different goals. But some days it feels like I failed at achieving goals I had not yet even thought of.Most people think other people think like them.Yes and the strange thing is, most people by into this illusion. They think if they work themselves beyond exhaustion, they will one day be rich.

I've spoken to people who said the reason billionaires are richer than us is because they work very hard. They work very hard so therefore they have more money. This is absurd. If I work 40 hours per week and someone makes a thousand times more than me, does that mean they work 40,000 hours per week? Not likely.

Of course they make their money from people who think they're working hard towards their own success. How can people think the rich work harder than them when they're already working as hard as possible?So they want us to work hard without stimulants? Why? Are they sadists as well as slave drivers? Do they actually want us to be tired?

How am I supposed to get any work done without stimulants? Why do they think coffee is the world's most popular drink?

How am I supposed to lode weight without stimulants? Our society says I have to be thin AND have a thin girlfriend yet they won't let us have appetite suppressants to placate our paleolithic brains that are trying to prepare for a nonexistent famine?

What is this? The new eugenics? They think if they give us no stimulants it will favour the naturally energetic? Remember that poor couples may out of having kids and girls don't like poor unemployed guys anyway. Do they think if they deny us appetite suppressants it will favour the naturally thin?

It sounds like you still have a job, which is a positive in and of itself.

It seems as if you've been on the job at least a year now straight--that's excellent on a resume.

I'm not really, really good at keeping my place clean, either. The solution, really, is to have less "stuff" to clean.

Maybe dust every one or two weeks. And make sure you take out the garbage when it's full, and do the dishes every time you cook.

You keep listening to some of the stuff being said here and you'll be even more depressed. Depressive thoughts breeds more depressive thoughts and goes downhill from there. Everyone thinks that they have to always be happy, but if you think there are people who never get depressed, that's a fallacy. Life is a rollercoaster and so people's emotions are meant to be. You have to find happiness and starting that is trying to have a more positive attitude about things. Right now, I hate my job - HOWEVER, it pays well, goes good with school, has somewhat ok health insurance and it allows me to have some of the stuff I need to bring me happiness. I hate having to go back to school for higher education, HOWEVER, my job allows me to pay it off without debt, I'm going to the school I've always wanted to go to (just not at the age I wanted to), I'm learning new things that are sometimes very interesting.

People take life for granted these days. Maybe everyone should be made to be around a lot of really sick people then they will possibly appreciate life a little more. When I got that pneumonia last year and I honestly thought that I could die, I found out that I wasn't invincible. I wasn't even able to talk on the phone and I wasn't able to walk on my treadmill for 10 sec (literally 10 sec and I have never smoked so I had it bad) without breathing like I had been in a marathon. I value being able to exercise now a whole lot more (I developed exercise-induced asthma from the pneumonia and now have to use a bronchodialator which pisses me off, but I still continue on and make the best out of it). It's easy to be negative all the time, it's harder to turn those thoughts into positive.

I read "The Secret" and it totally changed me and then I fell back into the negative thinking again. I have to reread it again because I do believe thinking positive thoughts helps. Here's something from the Mayo Clinic:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifes ... t-20043950

Hi, From what you have said, it may not just be depression that is causing you to feel lethargic. Have you been tested for diabetes? If you should happen to have that, that's something you want to get under control right away. Concerning Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, do you have unrefreshing sleep? That is a classic symptom of CFS, that no matter how many hours you sleep, you never feel refreshed. Is there anything you'd like to save up for like a trip to somewhere, an RV, or a boat, or a jet ski, or whatever rings your bell. If you save for something it might make your work not seem so meaningless, and it would give you something to look forward to. You can have a certain amount that you designate from your pay check go directly to a savings account so that you don't spend the money right away. If it's any consolation, my place is always a mess too. It's allergy season here and I know that adds soooo much to my lethargy. Sorry to hear your GF dumped you. And sorry if none of my suggestions are helpful. Just wanted you to know people here are listening and they care about what you are going through.

I'm quite certain I can feel depressed without thinking about anything in particular. I just feel it for no reason at all. This idea that negative thinking is the sole cause of depression is a fallacy. Of course, if you are depressed nothing makes you happy so it's hard to "think positive" since it's really empty. Depression is sickness, so being around other sick people doesn't somehow guilt trip me into feeling less depressed because I realize how fortunate I am. Yea, whatever. f**k you. That's just insulting beyond words. It just makes me feel worse because it reminds me that I have an invisible illness that people don't take seriously. Also, it's always possible there is an unknown physical cause for depression and exhaustion. Doctors are not all-knowing gods. There is a lot medical science simply doesn't understand yet, especially concerning the brain.

Anyways, the only thing I can really advise is seeing a psychiatrist and trying some medication. I'd also get blood tests. Sleep apnea is another thing that can cause tiredness so I'd also do a sleep study. Actually, it is a major thing to check if you are overweight. Medication for depression isn't a perfect solution, but it beats the hell out of insane frustration of trying to "philosophize" your way into feeling better like others are advising.