not Being allowed to be me

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I am finding it increasingly difficult to hide who I am, at home I am just me I don't have to worry about what my wife and son think of me stimming or fear that I've said the wrong thing or done any number of things that outside of my own home are frowned on or not acceptable. At work I am not allowed to mention that I am Autistic and can only display certain "traits" in front of the few that know I'm Autistic. Not only is it exhausting trying to be like them it is deeply upsetting when I do something that others view as weird and get laughed at. I am not allowed to explain why I did it. I got called a "spaz" for "walking funny" whilst out and get starred at all the time. It's a standing joke for my colleagues that I don't like leaving my house. I want to be able to be me, without being seen as incapable, I don't want to be a joke to people. I want to be able to say what your doing to me hurts, but I tried once and was left feeling the issue was mine. I want to be happy but am increasingly sad. Is it just me, is the issue mine? I don't know maybe I am being selfish wanting so much from everyone else. I just can't keep finding the energy needed to keep up this pretence.

Realize that even in someones life who is not autistic, they have people who are close to them and understand them and then they have everyone else. Its normal to hide who you are to a majority of people, only your closes friends and family have any business knowing your autistic. Cope the best you can and use the time at home to be understood, your family sounds supportive so use them for validation. Realize how blessed you are to have a few that are understanding and don't worry so much about everyone else. Your coworkers only need to know the version of you that you show them. Just do the best you can and if your family loves you than don't worry with what others think.

I'm slapping together a pretty big forum post about this very topic right now.
It's about "being yourself" - the right way, not just embarrassing yourself.

A spoiler summary:

The entire social ladder is literally built upon those with varying levels of confidence, from least to greatest. You could do literally almost anything confidently, and it would just put you higher up on the social ladder. It's the opposite that brings you down.

Basically, if you do something confidently, then it doesn't really matter what it is your doing, people will assume it's the right thing to do (Unless it's rude, disrespectful, or something of the sort), whereas if you do something insecurely; people thereby question you, your judgement, and your emotional foundation. This is the cause of bullying.

Of course doing weird stuff confidently makes people raise their eyes, but they usually think it's cool when you have the courage and confidence to do something like that, especially when you own up to it.

But if you question yourself, then they will question you.

I don't know if that makes sense immediately, but I'm making a big post, and it will in time.

It's as if everyone has this vacuum of self confidence, and they really really want more, so they either flock towards those with more of it, or steer clear of those who have less, fearing their greater empty vacuum will suck away what confidence they have left.

It's an analogy, and it's not perfect, but it's the best I can describe it at this time.

A truly confident person doesn't need to look to others to fill that vacuum because they don't have a vacuum.

So the trick is to somehow gain self confidence, or at least social confidence. This is the process I went through. Weird, but it worked.

Dannyboy271 thanks for the post, it makes perfect sense to me. I never thought of it in those terms before that a lack of confidence can lead to the person being bullied. I work with teens. How do you help them build confidence? On the topic of bullying, I saw on the tv news today that a town in Wisconsin, Shawano, is going to start to fine parents of kids who bully. How are they going to enforce that? Sorry if I am off topic here. I just would really like to help the teens I work with build confidence. There are many anti bullying campaigns out there. What about self confidence ones?

That is actually true to an extent. Those who are extremely confident can get away with many strange or inappropriate things. So can wealthy people, and really attractive people. Think of all the celebrities and their horrible antics; they still manage to have tons of fans. Same with the "popular kids" in school. It was that way in my school, anyway.