I have griped about this extensively for the past ~2 yrs and tbh I'd like to bring it up here,since I'd be a bit embarassed to bring it up the counselor who,blessings upon him, has heard me go on about the person I have in mind,several times before.
"Once upon a time" during the pre-Obama era there was someone I had a crush on high school.
"What do you want!" striding angrily before me, as if I interrupted her intragroup socializing
"You don't belong here!.You belong in the library!" while trying to approach her while playing soccer
"No body likes you" after us having admitted that there was some amount of feelings between us.
Due to factors like a teaching staff I wasn't willing to take my chances w/ anymore and an unsupportive social environment which for the most part either barely took me seriously or shunned me during the instances when my shizzlessly scared ash would be up to actually trying to socialize, I left, not having been able to explain more things to her to a much better school..
I would be formally diagnosed w/Asperger's syndrome ~3 yrs later.Roughly ~2 yrs after a political science degree and entering a ~law enforcement related program she is present again. Last March-ish I sent her an exceptionally long msg detailing how I found her to have been somewhat judgmental,non-accepting and something of a tormentor. I 'got a reaction'.She tells me how she doesn't remember much of that era.
I try to establish a rapport, w/the hopes up that a crush I had on someone after her,with whom I had more closure and dialogue w/in a handful of months then all throughout my attempts in high school can be surpassed.
I sent her another msg and I'm not going to lie, one of my objectives was a 'revenge' of sorts w/me writing down how a male she was close to but in romantic way said to me once after having tried to ask for homework help "Oh what are you thinking about now?.Suicidal thoughts?"....=_=...craving to hear her thoughts on that would satisfied me as far a 'further reaction' to how (a) I DO have legitimate internal issues (the Asperger's syndrome) BUT (b) that doesn't justify having been 'left to hang' at the hands of a curmugeonly teacher who was less than three years away from retiring and passing away and a de facto real estate agent who now works at said community college, just b/c (imo) I was too ugly,annoying and awkward to ever be listened to/taken seriously.
Now I'm thankful for having gotten through the infuriating ridiculousness of having to see her,educated in fields in which I'd think that there'd be more of a sensitivity to hearing out personal issues, around ever so ignoring me but w/a 'cocktail personality' seemingly reserved for others. I dread seeing her again and I think that vice-versa applies. While I'm thankful for having resolved a racializing issue which this evoked for me, the images of the ~16 yr old version of her scowling me and 'being under her thumb'.
Yes, I do indeed do cruddy at letting go of the past. Once upon a time junk like what was said be her and others was enough to make me think that my feelings and thoughts will never be valid an worthful but b/c of some nigh-metaphysical reason I'm meant to suffer and be ignored. Personal heck,no more I recognize how I am every bit a human being as my 'better certified' but ever so shallow age demographic cohorts.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is,*how do I cease letting these thoughts of her impatience,scowliness and groupism, her criticizing me as if I'm still a scared,undiagnosed Aspergerian 'get to me'?*.
If this can be a true thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BG46IwVfSu8, I crave that my superstition of me posting this won't fluff up my chances of being more empathetic
07 May 2016, 6:57 pm
