I'm dependent

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I have anxiety thinking that I cannot look after myself. This is turn makes it horrendously hard to look after myself.
I am more capable when I was with my parents visiting for a month because I didn't have this anxiety about looking after myself. At the same time, I still wasn't doing most of the things I need to do to look after myself. But when I was married I did all those things needed to look after myself and then some. So it's not just that I need to be pampered, but I need to be pushed into doing things. The end result is that independence is anxiety-filled and horrible.

So I'm back in my own apartment right now and it's been only a day and I'm anxious because there are things I'd planned for myself to do that I'm not not doing.

Some self-hypnotherapy hypnosis-sessions might help you towards more automatic-productivity. I also find that it helps to set up alarms on something like a tablet with reminders for when/where to do something.

I seem to spend so much of my time just, sitting her, on my laptop, in bed, getting high, stimming variously...rocking, rubbing my pants, moving my toes, rocking the other direction, tapping the rhythm of the game music that runs during most of my day that is not different and I leave it running in the background.

Today was actually a good day though. I did ALL my dishes, I showered, I got my passport photos taken, I emailed an old friend who I haven't spoken to since my divorce a few couple ago because I need 2 non-family members who have known me since then and that and my current ex are the best people in my life who fit that description. (That's kinda...sad.) And it's now 6pm and I didn't overeat today yet, still have dinner to eat so that should tide me over until sleep.

So, firstly, I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, so if I've probably got a skewed perception of this.

In each of my 3 relationships I've been in I've ended up being codependent on the other person. My last relationship was the only one I had been in romantic love. It's still a thing for me today and my love for this guy remains despite the lack of all contact. He's probably ASD, high functioning for sure though also. Anyways, in that relationship he hated the situation that was arising from my codependency, among other things.

I've recently been able to perceive the difference in the way I act/am/be when I am INdependent from when I am dependent. It's a very different...self. Now that I have that perception I of self, I feel like I can move towards it. This will in turn help me look after myself. It will give me willpower.

I never used to know if I had bad or good self-esteem because I don't have a self for it to fit on. I still don't perceive a sense of self most of the time. Having a self-image now gives me something that I can strive to be. It will give me motivation.

This is connected to being codependent in relationships because without a sense of self I have no sense of what I desire, no motivation, so therefore I subsume my partner's desires and wishes, lifestyle, etc. as -something- to work towards. So they then become completely responsible for me also in some psychological ways.

What a strange world it is to have a self-awakening in. I'm beginning to feel willpower again.

I can...imagine different futures for myself if I let go of my ex, down to the point of being a friend as I know friends to be. And I guess it does have to do with the boundaries of a relationship. Even though I tell myself that relationship boundaries are societally prescribed and I don't particularly seem to desire the status quo for myself, it doesn't seem to change the effect that prescription has on me.

It will be like, deep down, some sort of 'nesting' behavior will be broken. This 'nesting' feeling I guess is what I might call codependency.

When I'm not happy and I have this broken feeling it gives me fear.

But with the nest broken, it's like there's suddenly possibility out there, especially for flirting and possibly fooling around. Even though part of the relationship it was open. But this isn't like a thing I feel like I missed or something, it's rather like, this is naturally in my human nature. It feels biologically driven almost. And it makes me question whether or not me as a person is ever supposed to nest.