I am so freaking tired of my sibling's attitudes!! !! Call me selfish, call me attention-seeking, give me no sympathy, but I just can't take their rudeness anymore!! !! ! My sister thinks it's alright to take her anger out on anyone and to screech at me even though she KNOWS I'm sensitive to being shouted at!! !! My brother thinks it's alright to just do whatever he pleases and doesn't care about what anyone else wants!! !! And I can't seem to accept that despite their young ages, they're not the innocent children they used to be. I try not to get too upset about it, but as usual, I can't keep it in for too long, I can never keep my feelings in for too long, and it all comes out in the worst way.
And it's not like I can ever complain about it because people will think I just want attention and my Mum will say "Stop being all 'Woe is me'" but I've had to put up with lots of things for my whole life and I hardly get any comfort for it and I'm too afraid to ask, is it not obvious that i need it? People always ask "Are you alright?" and I say yes because what else is there to say? Unless something is really wrong, I don't really have much to talk about. I don't want to bore people by talking about myself unless I'm really upset, which only happens when I end up crying. I can't even go a while without crying!! !
I wish I could hide my feelings much better than I do, I wish I could keep it all in and let it turn into something else instead of tears and shouting and screaming. And I wish more people could understand how I felt without me having to tell them and make huge complaints that make it seem like I just want attention. Fine, so maybe I do want attention once in a while, but wouldn't anyone else who's been though a life of having to adjust to how the world works, being treated badly by a stepfather who is their sibling's father, being laughed at and made fun of as they drift further and further apart from their "Friends," and having trouble making new friends and keeping them because their idea of fun is different to theirs, and then getting into a relationship with the only real friend they had only for it to become abusive, including giving in to unwanted sexual activities just to make them happy because it's not worth the argument if they refuse, and then still having bad memories of it after, and then having to put up with the fact that their siblings have become much ruder and meaner than they were at their age?
It's amazing that I'm still here after all of this, that I haven't had much darker thoughts on the whole thing. I just want things to be easy for once, I just want to go a while without having to worry about anything, I just want to be happy. And I want to do SOMETHING to make those two change and become nicer, but there doesn't seem to be any way.
18 May 2016, 1:21 pm
