pointless

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Logically there is no point to live. So I might as well live to feel good. But my emotions aren't under my control. I don't trust people so whenever I get to a position to get help I put up a barrier. There are so many various barriers. The only person I don't put up barriers with treats me fundamentally like dirt. I hate people. I hate nurses. I hate how stupid they are, how certain they are of things. Like I'm going to form some sort of bond with a therapist or laughably a nurse who I'm not allowed to see. TV lets us think that people can see therapists for years. How does this happen? Every therapist I see just points me to move and more other resources. It's like this fundamental looping of where I'm pointed to. No one actually gives help, they all just point to other people where one can get help, then they pat themselves on the back and say 'good job, we're helping so many people!' when they aren't at all. Oh and then if I'm emotional while trying to get help they just tell me to calm down. Oh and then there's the tiredness, that whatever the f**k I have affects my entire body. I get hot flashes like I'm menopausal, I get tired spells, I can't concentrate, and then it'll spike and I can focus, but only for a bit. There's no consistency. I don't want to live, and half the time I actively want to die. I'm so sick of life. I'm so sick of being in pain. Sure I can cope with it now, but why bother? What's the point? I have nothing to work towards and nothing I want to work towards except the things that just keep causing me pain.

I also have to add, logically, there is no point in dying either. How would one know that it liberates you? I know life is hard, but never give up hope. I never give up hope, despite being poor and unemployed. It is sort of boring just living, but I try to see the positive in everything, to a point that I may be hopelessly optimistic.

Optimism isn't controllable, as the only time I am optimistic is when I already am.

I need my weed. My dealer stopped talking to me. It was getting me through things and making me feel things besides this shite.

It's safe to assume my consciousness after death is either non-existent or not remotely close to what it is right now to the point that there's no reason to avoid death.

Does weed make you happy? I personally am nearly clean (only smoke 1/3 pack of menthol cigs a day and seldom drink).

Usually yes. Much happier.

I think I might have ME. Whenever I get out of bed and do things, even if/when the exersise feels good in the way that exersise does, the next day I'm toast. I did 2 loads of laundry this past week, walked 15 min to the grocery store and back and did some desperate cleaning in my house in 2 days of me feeling 'up' and the following day I slept 18, 20? hours. The day after I slept over 12.

Sorry, I can't really thing of a way to ail your problem. Have you considered seeing a neurologist and taking medicine? I know a good medication that rarely has side effects, doesn't cause an addiction and alleviates a lot of problems (it's called agomelatine). I actually take it myself against blunted affect.

I'm in valproic acid and cymbalta. Cymbalta has helped me in the past. I don't think the valproic acid is doing anything, but if I go off of it and I have a breakdown everyone will just say 'you stopped your meds'. Even though I cry everyday as it is right now.

Family doc has tested me for a bunch of auto-immune diseases and some neurological ones. Nothing. But I know my hormones are messed up. I know it because nothing f*****g happens and I'll be cold then the next minute warm, sad then the next minute happy, heart racing then going slowly. It's like my ANS is being toyed with. I thought it was related to my celiac disease years ago because it all got better, (not fixed but better) when it was discovered and I started being gluten free. But I still have issues.

It doesn't necessarily need to be hormones going crazy. Serotonin inhibitors can also cause the like if out of control. But don't give up hope. I am regularly in pain because of Hyper-IgE syndrome (which might also shorten my lifespan). I know depression may be difficult to combat, but giving up on life is not an appropriate solution.

You know what actually helps me sometimes that I think I need to remember when I get very down, is to tell myself I am worthless.

Ok, I know this sounds horrible, but since, unless I'm high, I lack ability to know what I feel and therefore have even less of an ability to really understand why I feel that way, this seems to be a non-high trick I will try returning to. When I thought that I was worthless earlier this evening it was like there was this huge weight lifted off of me. I clearly have no idea the amount of pressure I put on myself most of the time. No wonder even small tasks become overwhelming to me.
I think it's becasue when I tell myself I am worthless it takes me out of societal pressure to do things. I'm societally worthless, whoopideedoo. I already know that, but I keep putting pressure on myself to not be like that. If I'm going to be staying in my apartment on disability, I might as well be happy staying in my apartment on disability.