Lonely as hell

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I feel so fake. I'm so sick of pretending and not being able to be myself in front of other people I don't know too well, just to be liked. I don't know why I started trying so hard to be like other people but I just want to find people like me who will talk to me. I always have to be the one to change myself for other people just so I won't end up alone. I want to accept myself but I don't know how to do that. I miss the days when I actually liked my own company better.

Your post speaks to me. I am a similar age and spend all day pretending. The repercussions for not seeming 'employable' / 'social' where I live are severe - you can only get a job here through a friend. There is no tolerance whatsoever in the mainstream for autistic adults.

I hear you.

-M

I gave up trying to be normal. I was standing in line the other day when the person behind me said, "looks like you are dressed for summer." I looked down and I was wearing fuzzy slippers, black socks, shorts, and a purple sweater. I figured he was taking a jab at me so I tried to just ignore him. The whole time that I was in line I was squirming out of his questions; are you from out of town, no? where do you live, which road?... When I finally got up to the checker she leaned in and said, "Don't worry about him, he is always like that." like he was the weird one.

In being myself, I met someone that I sincerely liked, and she liked me.

If I had played my 'normal' act, I could have ended up becoming friends with the annoying guy.

I don't pretend. They are not worthy of my time or attention if they automatically dislike me just because of a difference of manners or beliefs. Few people can relate to me since I am in unmapped psychological-territory. Unmapped. Nobody else has experienced before what I have experienced. I was forced to create my own map of reality.

Accepting yourself might be easier if you can first understand that most people in the world are under some form of mind-controlling influence or another... resulting in their offensive-behaviours. Mind-Altering or Mood-Changing phenomenon is not limited solely to drugs and alcohol after all. Even the food-supply contains mind-altering neuro-toxins.

I encountered so much "superficial" behaviours from society that I eventually came to be forced to conclude that over half of the entire world's population consists of biological-robots (not real people). Boy did it feel isolating to feel like one of the only "real" people who did not push or perpetuate some status-quo agenda (and getting accosted for my resistance).

You are not alone in feeling like you are alone or having felt like you are entirely on your own. I don't bother to socialise that much, but one thing that has helped me now that I think about this, has to do with being able to find similar like-minded individuals of certain topics/subjects on You-Tube. Just find a topic of interest, read through all of the comments section, eventually you will find that there are also other people out there who feel/think the same way or similar to you.

I find that I am happier just being myself, even if everyone else hates me. I did join a couple of social groups though and find that there are more like-minded people than I once thought.

Me too.