Wallowing in irresponsibility.

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A couple of weeks ago, I impulsively spent $350 on video game downloads on my XBox One. One charge after another on my debit card, and it all added up very quickly.

Two days in the last week, I called in sick even though I was not sick just so I could sit at home and play video games all day long.

Something is seriously wrong with this whole picture. It is like gaming has become my new drug of choice. All moderation has gone completely out the window, as I play for at least six hours a day and a lot more than that on weekends.

My apartment has transformed into a disaster area and needs to be cleaned. I need to restock my kitchen and pantry instead of continuing to order pizza deliveries. I need to focus on my job and not call in sick anymore.

I need to figure out a way to get the motivation to transform myself into a responsible adult ASAP, otherwise I risk losing everything I have worked so hard for over the last few years.

Depression has overwhelmed me. And I have no real reason to be depressed, outside of chemical imbalances in my brain.

Instead of using weed or alcohol to get my kicks, I turn on my gaming consoles instead and get a dopamine rush that sticks with me for a while.

This has seriously become unhealthy.

Perhaps it's not a fault in the voracity at which you crave, but that you try to sate that craving with hollow pursuit. Games are good, but they aren't fulfilling on their own, or you wouldn't have need to buy more than you could possibly play, no?

I've found lately that the more I keep my mind focused on learning through studies and disciplines, the less I have any desire for vice-like diversions. Perhaps your mind too craves knowledge, and isn't satisfied with the mere distractions you try feeding it? Maybe you could write out a list of everything you'd like to learn to do in this lifetime, and find something on there you can get started on that'd be fulfilling, affordable and within reason? If you did, you could still play your games, but you might in time find yourself in such a place that you only seek to play them on occasion as a supplement to the quality of your life, and not a pillar.

Also, the soul is in the gut as the mind is in the skull. Be kind to your insides, and be mindful in what you put inside yourself. If you have no real reason to be depressed, or whatever unpleasant mood have you, it may be related to physiological discord. I don't know if you experience indigestion, bloating or intestinal distress from conveniently eating the American way(fast food & pre-packaged heavily processed foods), but it poisons me with great emotional, cognitive, and physical turmoil to do so myself... and I never knew such while I was experiencing it, because it was all I had ever known since childhood until I stopped. I've come to truly believe that the sanity of any given culture is dictated by it's commonplace dietary provisions.

A big contributor can be found directly within the home. I know in my own home, if I'm lazy for longer than two days and come home one day from work to a messy house, I go nuts. I can't sleep, I get depressed, I feel even lazier because I have no motivation to clean.

I'll tell you what I would personally do if I were in your shoes. I would take that Xbox and go shove it in a closet of yours and keep it there. (I know... that's harsh, but... I learned from the best.) Sometimes what can kick us into doing productive activities is by actually temporarily getting rid of our temptations. I marked out a chart with rewards on it for if I did work around the house after I got home from my job. Which is quite a feat for me because I have chronic chest pain, so any stooping, bending, or lifting gives me excruciating pain for days after. I start with baby steps. First I find the messiest room in the house, and I clean it all. All of it in one setting. Because if I take any breaks, I lose that motivation. Turn on some catchy tunes, buckle down, and do a deep cleanse one room at a time. Throw out boxes, throw out old stuff you don't need anymore, and clean. Because not only are you getting up and doing something productive, but you're actually bringing on a healthy, positive light into your life. Set a goal for yourself, too. Say if you can spend one hour a day cleaning house, you can spend two to three hours gaming that night/morning. If you did two hours of cleaning, that's four to five hours of games.

I look forward to cleaning and cooking good meals every day because I have those rewards set in place. For example in my own home, if I cook dinner for the misses and our kiddo, I get to play games for an hour.

This occurred to me as well. I don't know how active you are, but exercise, albeit hard to get into, ends up being extremely rewarding the more you do it. I'm not physically in shape. Some might say I'm skinny, but even as a girl I've got some seriously wide thighs that need some work. So I dance. Particularly oldschool DDR games, but it gets addicting the more I do it.

I'd definitely avoid skipping work, because for one it keeps you occupied with something useful and secondly if you do skip work you'll end up with bigger problems than your presumptive videogame addiction.

Something that helps me break a routine is to just get out of the house for a while. I like to go for a walk in a local park or ride around with public transport. I really like riding the bus

As for dealing with depression, maybe get a doctor appointment and have him prescribe you something? Easy solution I know, but it's what lots of people do and for good reason. It does work in most cases.

The way your family treated you it's not surprising that you got some issues such as depression.

I just stumbled on a article that say some interesting things about addiction. Twelve steps programs may not be that good. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/education/2016/04/is_addiction_a_learning_disorder.html

Guess the best thing you could do is to get a circle of some close friends that can keep with you intellectually (They would need to be that smart so you could have more "natural" conversations with them and been able to share your thought and interests.) and spend a lot of time with them. Though I'm certainly not the reference on how making friends.
And the "can keep with you intellectually" is quite problematic in your case.

I also wonder on the way you are treating games in your life. I remember that at some point you were seeking to get all achievements in Star Ocean the last hope. Some JRPGs, at least for me, can give great emotional support; I wonder if it's not what make you love them in the first place but that you somehow "forget" that in a sort of obsessive aim toward achievements and some more aggressive emotional outlets. Or maybe I'm just reading just too much into it.

Yeah from knowing what I know about you, your depression is not just 'a chemical imbalance'.

I don't know how to help you though; I basically lost all my jobs by not going into work as I couldn't bear the pressure of going in, no matter what I did or didn't do at home during the day.

Yeah, I am craving something, but I do not know what I really need. I do know that my mind is not actively stimulated most of the time, and I feel ridiculously bored during most of my waking hours.

I also know that my diet has been very bad recently. Lots of cheap teriyaki lunches while I am at the office, lots of pizza deliveries when I am home, and usually McDonald's for breakfast. I probably will feel better once I change my diet for the better. Junk food is addictive in itself.



I used to do lots of home cooking. I wonder why I ever stopped. I used to work out at the YMCA twice a day. I wonder why I ever stopped. I guess it is because I was constantly being put down by my family who claimed that my productivity was a sign of mania instead of a sign of self-improvement.

I will buckle down and clean my apartment this weekend. It's getting pretty ridiculous at this point. Empty Canada Dry cans are everywhere.



I do need to get out of my apartment more often. Perhaps I'll start going to the library again. Or perhaps I'll start making more trips to the cinema. Or perhaps, God forbid, I'll actually use the YMCA membership I have been paying for again.

I currently am on an antidepressant, and I know that if I were not on it, this situation would be a LOT worse than it currently is.



I do have a few close friends who can keep up with me intellectually. The problem is that they have families who take up their time on the weekends. The weekends are the worst time for me. I usually can find somebody to hang with after I get off work on weekdays, but Saturdays and Sundays, I usually am on my own, and I feel isolated. I probably could try to start up a Meetup group to try to find people to go to the movies with on weekends, or maybe start my own book club.....

Twelve-step programs are not all that bad, although they certainly are not for everybody. I prefer the people in SAA to the people in AA, however. A lot less BS and people take the program a lot more seriously in SAA, a lot more solid sobriety and a lot more humility, and narcissists do not last very long in SAA while they gain acclaim in AA.

The problem with obsessively gaming through JRPGs is that it is an ultimately empty pursuit for me. I am not being intellectually stimulated. My mind is not being truly and deeply engaged for the most part. My brain has the urge to do jumping jacks and to perform f*****g acrobatics, and most video games do not provide that to me.



Yeah, I know that I am putting my job at risk every time I call in sick when I just want to play my games. But my brain is not being actively stimulated at my job. It's all very dry data entry. I am good at it, I can type rapidly and accurately, but I need stimulation that is far beyond what my job can offer me. Hell, I need stimulation that is far beyond what the video games can offer to me. I need to be puzzled. I need to be challenged. I need a goal that is the opposite of a f*****g cakewalk. My brain needs to be fed, because frankly, I feel it has reached a state of atrophy.

I cannot shake the knowledge that if I were to die today, nothing of value would be lost.

I have scored high on IQ tests. But that means absolutely nothing at all. I have nothing to show for it whatsoever.

I want to slip away into oblivion. I bring nothing but pain upon myself, annoyance to some people and unintentional amusement to others.

I feel like my very existence is a sick joke. My crushing self defeat is the perpetual punchline.

I have been crying nonstop for the last few hours. I have reached the point where I am drowning in my own incompetence, and it is devouring me.

I am weak and pathetic.

I am worth less than nothing.

I want to slip away into sleep and never wake up again.

I'm very sick and will most likely die within this year, perhaps even next week.
I would like to swap bodies with you because you have the ability to live your life without the threat of impeding involuntary death with some lifestyle changes, and you would be able to leave this world because you can't take it anymore.
But alas, that's impossible.

I think it would do your body and mind good to add some raw organic vegetables, some whole-wheat bread, and some fruit to your daily diet. That's what's I'd do if I were you. You can worry about your incompetence later. If you only eat pizza and drink booze, you're definitely not gonna get your life in order.

Very true. Although it has been a few months since my last alcoholic beverage.

I have to find my own meaning in life. Nobody else can find it for me.

I guess that I put way too much attachment in the comfort I find..... No, not comfort..... Familiarity..... In staying in my self-pity.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I can relate to escaping into gaming when I don't feel fulfilled in other ways. I give you a world of credit for getting up, doing a job you hate, and not getting fired. That makes you strong in my book. I can't imagine being strong in that way over the long term, so that's the opposite of weak and pathetic.

What about all the times you've been worth something, like every day you earn your supper? Every time you help someone? Every time you teach someone something or make them smile? Sometimes, we change the course of someone's day or even life, and never know it.