Need help pain is to great

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I feel completely alone in this world... for a long time I was severely depressed then I decided to just suppress everything since the pain was to much to bare. I wish I could get treatment but both of my parents are psychologists and because of that I learned how to put on a mask so well that most people don't even notice I have AS. The issue with that is now I keep everyone at arms length so they can not learn who the real me is. I learned at a young age that the real me is hated by all even my own family so I keep this mask up for their benefit so others don't have to deal with the real me, and so that I don't have to feel the rejection of others anymore. I just don't want to live in a world that makes me live a lie every day, that being said I have been suicidal for about 12 years now I want to do it so much but cannot. I know I will never follow through but the pain just never ends. Even though I numbed my self that in it self has developed into pain since I can't even enjoy my hobby's anymore there just is nothing left that I enjoy anymore and I feel like I only do things because it is expected and that if I don't I will be a burden on my family.
I don't think I will find a magic bullet or something but I just don't know what to do anymore I would love some advice.

At a time when my daughter was blocked in depression and anxiety we've discussed the 'wrong' assumptions that were made as a child and which tend to stay unchallenged when growing up, starting with some silly misinterpretations, that everybody in one or another way, had experienced and from there learning that your memory and the thoughts they brought might be caused by not understanding the whole situation.

It's a bit like learning to enjoy more sorts of food when you grow older, some things are probably edible after all, if you give it another try.

They are just trying to keep us down because they are tired of us inventing all the things they use to distract themselves from their own noise.
Think about it.

Here is some advice, OP. Tell whichever one of your psychologist parents you trust the most that you need to see a therapist and would they help you set that up. They will naturally ask you "what's wrong," so you had better be prepared to say "I'd rather not discuss it with a family member but with an impartial third party." You might have to say it over and over again.

You can't solve this thing on your own, or you would have already done so by now. There is hope for you though, so don't give up. The world will be a better place once you have learned that you are an OK person.