No one cares about me.

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I mean, I posted on Facebook saying I want to kill myself. Sure, I only have 37 friends and half of them are rabbit enthusiasts I've never met, but I expected something. Nada, as per usual. It makes me want to cut, to slam my head into the wall, to kill someone so they can finally understand that I AM NOT OKAY and I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. I live in a town I don't know, I don't have a single friend here, there's no community to speak of because everyone wants to rape or assault each other, I work too much and earn too little to go out. No car anyway. Dad's off f*****g around in a rehab (again) in another state, mom just LOVES to tell me about her new boyfriend, who happens to have the same name as the unsavory fellow who left me this godforsaken apartment.

You know, I work with autistic kids. I really care about my job and the children I work with, and I never want it to be taken from me. So it's hard to seek help for such violent feelings... but I don't feel like I'd need help if I ever felt support from anyone in my life.

God damn it. I'm filled with complete and utter rage.

I'm sorry you feel pissed tonight.

It seems like everything is coming down at you at once.

Are you a teacher of autistic kids? Please don't get so angry that you lose your job; the kids need someone like you who understands them.

I'm actually a behavioral therapist for individual kids, in-home. I would do anything to keep my job, including suppress my anger. I just don't think it's healthy, but I don't really even have time to get a therapist, even if I had the money. I'm going to, after I have a car, but I really just wish people would love me without me needing to flip my lid about it first. I'm a good person. I'm only 21, I just found out I have asperger's, I was abused and strongly neglected throughout my life, went through a false bipolar diagnosis and medication, I was with an abusive older man and went homeless as a result. I'm just a f*****g kid, and everyone says I'm so smart and should be so proud of myself for what I've done, but then they never speak to me again. I've rescued animals and have rescue animals now, I have a 3 bed apartment, I work with kids, I do yoga, I meditate, I budget well, and I AM a good person. Why can't I just make friends?

I posted publicly about wanting to kill myself and my mom commented with 3 sad faces and her friend did a sad face reaction. Thanks, guys.

You definitely should not kill yourself. Even though you feel like you have no friends I would be willing to bet that those autistic kids need you and would be negatively affected if you were gone. You are young you will make friends eventually.

You're a person of substance; you've done lots for your 21 years. I'm sorry for the crass reaction exhibited by your friends/family.

But you can transcend this--because you are your own person, and you have the tools.

How are you feeling this morning?

I had a dream about my dad, and woke up wondering if he was talking to me for the last time.

I'm really not suicidal, I just wanted someone to notice that I need friends, or some sort of support from people. I guess sad faces are in the cards and not much else.

In my experience, the best way to get support from people is to directly ask for it.
What support do you actually want from your friends/family?

Also, most people have no idea how to react to someone who says they want to kill themselves.

I want them to be happy for my discovery about AS. I want them to be proud of me for my accomplishments. I want my dad to come home and stop being a junkie and take care of my little sisters. I want my mom to stop crossing the f*****g boundaries I set because I hate her boyfriend and anyone else she plans on talking to me about f*****g with. I want an actual friend who will actually sit there and listen to my story and appreciate the gravity of the life I've lived. My boyfriend says I'm dramatic. Someday I'll just write a book and maybe someone will hear me and listen, but I'm not sure if I will ever be able to put into written word all the experiences that are burned into my flesh.

I'd be willing to listen.....

Thanks, haha. I'm reaching out here because people actually seem to get the gravity of my discovery and the implications of a hidden neurological "disorder" throughout my life.

That "hidden neurological disorder" just might be the key to you being successful in reaching severely autistic people. I would embrace it, at least to some degree, rather than lament it fully.

Ironically, I'm really not that great with the autistic population, for some reason, despite my experience with it.

It's my true secret weapon. I get the kids I work with because I know how they're feeling when they act certain ways. I'm one of the least experienced and best therapists on the team, and probably the youngest too. I felt so much relief when I found out about it, and I really don't consider it a problem, but a blessing. Just wish I knew about it sooner, lol

I should clarify that I'm a paraprofessional, going to be a registered behavioral technician in a couple of months. Then I'll pursue a Master's and become a behavioral analyst, who oversees the people who work directly with the kids like I currently do.

Excellent luck to you!

I hope the situation improves, eventually, for your father and your family. I hope they heed your advice, for you seem like a sensible person.