Many of you have probably noticed that I am obsessed with what I have lived through.
The thing is that I do not want to still be at this stage when I am 40.
I want to be my own man, live my own life, find my own family outside of blood ties, be whoever I want to be.
The obsessive rage is holding me back. I often feel like the victimized ten year old boy when I am talking with members of my family, the one that anybody can do anything to, knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. But I am 37 now. I do not have to keep them in my life.
I know that I am not living with intellectual or cognitive disabilities. I know I am capable of molding myself into who I want to be. I know I was handed an inheritance I never wanted, and I know I do not have to keep it around any longer.
My pain is not optional, but my wallowing in it is, as is my decision to keep banging my head against brick walls as if that was going to get me a positive result some day. Meaning that looking for approval from my bloodline is every bit as productive and every bit as masochistic as banging my head against brick walls.
02 Sep 2016, 2:24 am
