I hate weekends.

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All of my friends have blood families which they prioritize. As for me, I have no reason to even get out of bed until Tuesday morning.

Every weekend I spend completely alone. No purpose. No friendly faces. No family. Nothing.

And this is a holiday weekend. Meaning nobody is even answering the phone.

This is my own private Hell.

Sounds like you need some social connectedness, mate.

A goal to work towards. You can't just buy it off the shelf.

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of people also feel lonely on holidays, not just the sentimental ones like Christmas but legal holidays too. Why not go to a movie or park for a change of pace?

Well, what hurts the most is that my friends have families who value them and appreciate having them around?

What do I have?

My family is having a massive barbeque tomorrow, but I am not going. Because my mother and grandmother insist upon having my aunt and uncle there. The very people who coerced me into bestiality when I was 12. Even worse, when I told my mother about that, she told me that it made her feel very sad for my aunt and uncle, because it meant that they were "very unhappy". The way I felt about going through that meant absolutely nothing to her, she even went as far as to tell me that my childhood was "far too sheltered and privileged".

They have people they can turn to. They have people who love and value them. I will never know that. I have a family who tells me that I was supposed to be a miscarriage, and a few times they even told me that they wish I never survived that ordeal.

So, my friends are all with people who love and value them. And I am in isolation, alone in my apartment, with no reason to step outside my front door whatsoever, with no reason to pick up the phone and call anybody because they are all busy having a great f*****g time with their families who love and respect them as human beings.

Yeah, I am incredibly bitter about this.

You're not alone. Being in nature makes me feel better about not seeing my family. I would personally rather feed ducks.

Nicola Tesla would feed the pigons. I guess we have a commonality there. I can relate.

You'll need to create your own family then. I'd have nothing more to do with the family of origin, if they treated me as they have you.

It would be a great idea to get some recurring weekend activity that you look forward to and that involves people.

Have you worked through the abuse in therapy? Although bitterness is understandable, it's not a pleasant place to be stuck for long.

I tried going to the movies today. I had to go back home 20 minutes into the film. I cannot bring myself to enjoy anything that I usually would.

I tried reaching out to so-called friends. They do not care enough about me to notice the texts. Not a single one of them.

The sleeping pills and booze seem more tempting the longer this goes on.

Your mental health is not good. Please seek help.

Meh, I tried calling the suicide hotline. After being on hold for 20 minutes, I hung up without speaking with anybody there.

I think I will just take some Benadryl, and then just keep taking it as needed to stay asleep until I return to work on Tuesday.

Mine told me that they only had me so my sister would have a sibling companion, but that it didn't work out because she doesn't like me. They also told me that they wanted a baby opposite to my gender of birth, but instead got me. And the real humour of this is that I'm trans - and yet they hate that I'm closer to the opposite of my birth gender, the gender that they wanted.
People can say what they want. I don't care and I hope you don't care either. Their opinions don't have to matter to you, you can just dismiss them and their words from importance.
And I commiserate in a way - I loathe weekends too because I get antsy about having nothing to do, because businesses are all shut and I can't get anything done. Just have to wait until Monday when business opens again and I can get errands done, not forced to wait and sit on my arse.
Maybe we both need a weekend distraction. Something to pass the time in this sort of dead space.

I know - fishing!

Well, it's official. Even the suicide hotline pretended that I do not exist, and they did that by keeping me on hold for 20 minutes before I spoke with anybody, before I decided to hang up.

I am worth more to the world dead than alive.

Well, I officially have a plan of action now.

I am going to get out of my apartment and hit as many 12-step meetings as I possibly can until I return to work on Tuesday.

Then, when my doctor's office opens on Tuesday morning, I am going to make an appointment for as soon as I can possibly get in, and look into getting my antidepressants readjusted. Something is seriously not working right now.

And if it gets any worse before I can see my doctor, I made a commitment to admit myself into the ER if that happens.

All of this will require the first step of actually getting out of bed. Which I am going to do right now.

That situation with the hotline reminds me of the municipalities who stopped answering 911 after normal business hours during the Great Recession. And some others simply ignored most complaints, unless somebody was getting hurt/killed. There was one case where a guy in LA called 911 because another guy was dying from a gunshot wound, and the dispatcher told him to handle it himself and hung up.

It would seem that with a suicide hotline, they'll get in shedloads of trouble for putting people on hold for an hour. For most people, meaning NT's, suicide is impulsive. One researcher estimated that 90% of suicide attempts have been thought of for less than 60 minutes before the actual attempt. A third have less than 5 minutes! For us aspies, suicide is something we consider for weeks and months. NT's, OTOH, get bummed, think they don't want to live, grab a gun, put it to their head, and bang. "My gf dumped me, how can I go on?" Really, a lot of NT's are that stupid and impulsive.

Anyway, for you Len, I would recommend getting out of that apartment. You live in Seattle, don't you? Can you take a bus to Pioneer Square downtown? It's Labor Day, so it should be pretty busy. For me, I don't care that I have no friends. Pretty much the only social interaction I can handle is stuff like going downtown and looking at open houses in areas with lots of cool old renovated houses. Or driving around, I've always liked driving. Today I went up into the CA Gold Country, up east of Bowman to an isolated area called Christian Valley that doesn't appear on most maps. It was very beautiful.

That's disgraceful to have you on hold that long. But I think they use mostly volunteers, so if they have a limited number, there's nothing they can do - I'm surmising.

Your plan for getting through the next 2 days is really excellent. I agree something's seriously wrong. I hope you feel better soon.

Yeah, I am leaving for a meeting in about an hour. My family is having their barbeque as I type this. My rapists are there, and my family knows exactly what kind of people they are, they just honestly do not care about details like that. To them, I am the only rotten fruit in the family tree because I refuse to comply and pretend that everything is perfectly alright with this picture.

So, I spent most of this weekend curled up on my bed, crying for myself. Which is extremely pathetic. My eyelids are going to be red for days. That is a sign of weakness on my part. They can never find out about this, I would never hear the end of it if they ever did.

I finally got out of bed, took a shower, put on my weekend clothes and went to a meeting. I probably should also get some food. I have not eaten all weekend.

Depression is a beast.

Good job. Hope you had a decent meal.