Extermely depressed, +8 month isolation taking toll

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I don't even know what to put here but I haven't seen another human in a pretty long while and since I am off drugs, the few people that I did see I don't see anymore. Depression is reaching a new height, I cried for hours today in the fetal position at how horrible of a person I am.

I gazed out the window of my high rise for 20 minutes a few days ago thinking about dying and wanted to jump but I didn't. I am suicidal and I don't want to be, I am having a lot of urges but I just force them out of my mind. I am such a failure, I haven't done one single thing right and the people I disappoint multiplies more and more every day. I can't live with myself, I have made horrible mistakes and I have ran everyone away from me. Not even my parents want much to do with me because I am such a horrible person.

I don't know what to do or what to say but I hurt and hurt because of the people I hurt. I haven't done one single good deed my whole life and what hurts is I want to and try to but it never happens. I just wish I could cease to live without pain.

Go to High School = Get expelled and hurt people emotionally
Go to College = Get expelled and hurt people emotionally
Live in a homeless shelter = Hurt a crap ton of people both emotionally and physically
Go to work = Hurt people emotionally, get fired
Get another job = Hurt more people emotionally
Go to church = Hurt the most people emotionally ever in a short time period
Live in an apt = Hurt the very people I was trying to help

My relationships have done nothing more then hurt people,

Nothing I do has any meaning and if I could make it right I would but I can't...

Oh and if that wasn't enough I pretty much destroyed my family as a teenager and the wounds have yet to heal.

I honestly can't think of anything good I have done...

i don't think you did as much harm as you think. my dealings with you have been positive. even if you did, can you allow yourself to learn from your mistakes?

Well I would be ok with that but I have never learned from my mistakes, it seems it is impossible for me to learn to act right and most things catch me by surprise but when its pointed out to me then I see it.

I'll give some examples...

I was being harassed and called horrible things (I can show pics actually, I keep evidence) from some people at my last church, I took legal action against them and my pastor pointed out to me that I wasn't much in a position to show them unforgiveness because of A B and C that I had done. Usually along the lines of just social inappropriateness cause evidently I don't know how to act. One example was I was doing drugs at the time but I can think of many more examples. I had an argument with that pastors daughter about being autistic that evidently was threatening to her. She accused me of faking a disability and I told her she was ignorant. That would be example B and I could go on but the point is I am horrible person and I'll never change cause I don't know how to change.

I can go on and on with examples but the point is, I hurt people and when they let me know and I find it to be true, I isolate and I have such low self esteem and I have truly died inside that if I could, I would never leave my apartment but unfortunately I have to once or twice a month to get food. I am tired of hurting people and I guess maybe I am a horrible person because I am autistic, I don't really know but I don't know how to act around people. I say my unfiltered thoughts and they are pretty horrible apparently. I cry more now then I am actually normal, I have cried 11 times today and I can't swallow I have cried so much. Tomorrow will be the same, the only reason. The only reason I am not dead is I am hanging on to what little chance there might be that there is a God who will make everything right because I am beyond done at this point. I have giving up, there is no learning from my mistakes because I am not going to ever try again to be in a position to fail.

from the example you gave, it sounds like you were more a victim than a perpetrator. social faux pas's aren't necessarily abuse. and calling someone ignorant when they ARE and are using their ignorance to hurt you is far from horrible. just because the minister took other people's sides doesn't prove that they are right. ministers are susceptible to prejudice, too.

Basically I am a emotional and verbally abusive alcoholic and drug addict low life who can't function enough to go to school or hold down a job.

People that have told me I am horrible person to my face include,

My brother
My brother's wife
My ex pastor
Ex friend #1 (From College)
Ex friend #2 (From Church)
Ex friend #3 (From Church)
Ex coworker #1
Ex coworker #2
Ex boss #1
Ex boss #2
My ex college professor
My ex college advisor
My own father
The people that were harassing me
A therapist
The usher at my last church
A homeless man that also evidently felt I threatened him

They aren't all liars you know, there isn't much to gain from them all conspiring against me so evidently I am horrible person.

Last edited by dcj123 on 24 Aug 2016, 9:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This woman told her father (pastor) that I threatened her. I don't see how much but as my last post/rant says, there isn't much to gain from lying so I was probably stoned out of my mind truth be told. I do remember showing her a pocket knife sober which in retrospect probably wasn't appropriate but I wasn't threatening with it. I actually offered it to her and God only knows why.

Why?

Because I don't think before I do stupid s**t like that.

well, you're clean and sober now. look at it as starting over. i'm familiar with the twelve steps. sounds like you're taking an inventory. soon you'll be ready to make amends (when to do so won't harm anyone). that is likely to make you feel better. sometimes amends is just learning to treat people well. maybe get a new therapist and take suggestions to heart. if you were really a horrible person, you wouldn't care that you had hurt folks. maybe drunk and high you were hurtful without caring. now you are in a better place. it doesn't feel better, but it could feel much better in time. not that you'll never make another mistake, just that you can now see things from others' perspectives.

I don't disagree with you entirely but the fact is I hurt people long before I ever did drugs, the drugs and alcohol came from being homeless and I never kicked the habit completely but I have gone on and off drugs several times and I wasn't planning on stopping permanently even now. I have however stopped all drugs included alcohol except cannabis after being "excommunicated" from my church and I don't see much harm in that, the only reason I stopped was because my city is weeks away from legalizing it and I am not stupid enough to risk jail time for something thats about to be legal. So I, outside of weed, haven't been a drug addict since about mid December last year.

So.....

Thats largely not an issue now and its only been an episodic issue in the past so I agree it has caused problems but many of my problems were independent of drugs and alcohol. Also the therapist that said that, her exact words was actually in my earlier post. She didn't say I was a horrible person per say but she said that if more then a few people say I have the same problem, then I probably have that problem. She said there isn't much motive for a large number of people to complain if there was not a serious problem. I agree with her actually. A lot of my failures were independent of drugs and alcohol so its not a consistent variable in my mistakes though it has contributed to some.

Furthermore since I have stopped and started drugs at will, its been pointed out to me that I don't fit the description of a drug addict anyway. Which to me seems worse cause that means I actively seek it out on my own without any additional problems.

Sorry if I am all over the place tonight, I am not functioning very well right now.

DCJ, I don't know what you did that was so awful, but consider how much of what you did was actually intentional. Have you considered contacting a crisis hotline? They're trained to handle these sorts of problems. I can only imagine how it must feel to be isolated for 8 months. I think I would be suicidal too in your place. I hope you find some measure of peace in this life soon.

I totally distrust the mental health system, they are extremely abusive and can go to hell. I would totally end it before I call a hotline. I hate those people with a bitter passion.

Plus I have been suicidal since isolation and giving up really, I have just been so stoned this last year that I forced such thoughts of my mind and didn't act on it. I don't believe I will act on it but its distressing when I am not high. When I am high, suicidal thoughts come but I find selfish reasons to want to live, like just sitting around playing games and getting more stoned basically. When I am not stoned, the thoughts are more overwhelming but I still don't want to act on it. The only reason I don't want to act on it is because of my religion but I still don't want to act on it nonetheless. The people in the mental health field take advantage of this and lock me up solely for profit, I distrust them more then anyone. In that regard weed is helpful and my current therapist agrees to a degree but points out thats it not exactly healthy to rely on any drug, legal or otherwise to not be suicidal. I see her point.

just because someone uses drugs and isn't addicted doesn't indicate a moral failing. sounds like you used drugs to deal with some harsh reality. you might have had a better choice, but i can't judge as i'm not in your situation. also, everyone makes mistakes.

i'm not so sure you're horrible. you haven't described kicking puppies or purposely hurting anyone. people sometimes complain about things they don't understand. there's something "off" about all of us here on wrong planet that makes us hard to like. we still deserve to the right to a "pursuit of happiness".

i've been accused of thinking i'm jesus because i called out my hospital for not having any surgeons any nurse who had worked with them would allow them to operate on her. lost my medical license over it. did some soul searching and found i could have been more diplomatic about it, but never thought i was perfect and still don't. so people's opinion of me was wrong. also from twelve-step group: it's none of my business what other people think of me.

what have you objectively done that condemns you in your own eyes?

I can't really think of much to be honest, I guess maybe I just feel like a horrible person because no one wants to be around me. I guess maybe I am not so much a bad person. I frequently get accused of threatening people and thats never my intent and I can't honestly remember ever threatening anymore. That homeless guy I mentioned, I did threaten him and I admit that but to put it in context he... gave a long list of things he wanted to do to me so I feel thats somewhat justified. I don't honestly know why people are threatened by me but it maybe a mixture of social inappropriateness, the fact the world is largely on edge and has been so in my opinion since 9/11 and the fact that people fear what they don't understand.

Still I can't help feeling some responsibility here for not being able to keep friends or even have acquaintanceships. Most people tell me straight up to leave them alone. However, one argument that you could make towards me doing something right is I have always been respectful of that request. Still its hurtful and I don't know what to do, suicide aside for a minute because thats being made into a bigger deal then it is. Yes I get that its serious but I don't want to act on it so I think I am okay, I was more or less demonstrating how bad my thoughts are. Still with that aside, I just don't see a reason to live and that hurts, I am not exactly seconds away from leaping off my building but I am giving you an example of how bad it hurts. I have given up completely, I just don't see a value in anything. I don't enjoy anything and I feel nothing has meaning because I can't communicate with people.

I can't even communicate with people on here, I have had three bad experiences here and I am just so sick of trying. I don't really know what I think I am accomplishing posting this but I can't handle crying 6-7 hours a day when I am not high (Sometimes when I am high). I have done this since February and I just want the pain to go away.

After thinking about it and its selfish but truth be told maybe I just want someone to know I cry 6-7 hours a day cause I can't find a reason why I would post this. I just hurt so bad and I feel so very low functioning on the spectrum. I think so lowly of myself and I feel I have no control over any aspect of my life. I feel helpless and just wish I could do something right.

Didn't you say that you were Christian at one point in the past cathylynn? I may have you confused with someone else, usernames blur but if you were. Consider this, the people that don't like me rather its autism or me being an idiot or me being low life scum or whatever. They are character witnesses against me, what will God think if the only evidence he sees of my existence is people telling him what all I did wrong.

That is not what I set out to do and all I can do is say I had good intentions, well hell thats not going to go very far if it doesn't go very far with his own followers.

Last edited by dcj123 on 24 Aug 2016, 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.