Help! Need advice - Long post (sorry) :(

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Hi everyone,

I'm sorry but this is going to be a long post, I'll try to keep it as short as possible while still making my points but odds are it'll get long winded, so I appreciate anyone who bothers to read this. Couldn’t figure out how to explain it in a shorter way while still making my points.


Help me please! I don't really have anyone who understands the autism and stuff enough to really understand my problem and give any worthwhile advice.


A little background... I'm 39... I always had problems in school growing up, psychologists always just said I had ADD since it was mostly attention related stuff affecting school.... In later years, as an adult, the problems became more social and less about functioning at work, almost all of my friendships fell apart for reasons I never understood...


I could never get more than a month or 2 into a relationship without it falling apart for reasons I never understood (everything would always seem ok, but then she'd seemingly just lose interest) ....


Eventually, in 2010 my parents said they were going to move out to Washington from Wisconsin and asked if I wanted to come along, share moving expenses and stuff. Knowing how my friendships were all falling apart, and most of my "friends" now had wives/girlfriends/families, so they didn't have much time to do much anymore anyway, I figured f**k it... I thought Washington would be good for my health.


It would get me away from the depression I was having losing so many friendships... I thought all the great outdoors stuff to do would get me out of the house, get into better physical shape (I'm just under 300lbs at this point), etc... Get into some psychologists, try to figure out the social problems... Try to fix my life.


It sort of backfired though. I got diagnosed with Aspergers/high-functioning autism not long after moving out here… Initially I was excited to finally have a diagnosis that fit the symptoms so perfectly.


I thought, I finally have answers! So now I can try to correct the things that are causing the trouble.


I’ve been seeing a couple different autism specialists for years now, and between the hundreds of hours of therapy, and reading dozens and dozens of books (not to mention hundreds if not thousands of web poges)… I understand autism, especially my specific “flavor” of it pretty intimately.


Infact I’ve had Ph.D. psychologists ask me to consult the parents of some of their patents, and one suggested I do continuing education seminars for psychologists (requirement to keep their license) … Not bragging, just pointing out a really do understand the problems I face intimately well.


I understand what most of my issues are, but I am unable to do anything to deal with most of them… I’ve tried several times dating people, making friends, etc… It just doesn’t work. It’s like, with my knowledge, I know what the problems are, but I can’t stop them from happening… In retrospect it’s easy to see, and I get so mad at myself it’s hard to explain.


At this point, I have sort of given up… I don’t leave the house any more… I live on an island, next to a 250 acre park, with 10 miles of trails in it.. surrounded by saltwater on 3 sides… I can’t get myself to go for a walk in it, because when I see “normal” people… Couples walking together, people with families, etc… It makes me horribly depressed… It seems like these are things I will never have, and it puts me instantly in a very dark mental state.


Same thing with going basically anywhere… So I tend to stay home at all costs, outside of necessary shopping and doc/psych appointments.


Even going to the grocery store, seeing a couple talking about the ingredients they are choosing for dinner… Makes me insanely depressed/lonely…


It’s even gotten to the point seeing “friends/family” post pictures of their families doing things makes me want to delete my entire Facebook profile… It’s becoming like my own little handheld torture device.


I feel like Scrooge, looking in on Tiny Tim and his family eating Christmas dinner… Out in the cold… Alone… and Tiny Tim and his family are not bothered one bit by his absence at the dinner table.


I hide from everything these days… Everything I see when I leave my house makes me feel worse… Makes me feel like I am missing out on so much in life.


At this point it feels like I’ll basically just live here in WA near my parents until they die and don’t need me anymore, then I’ll likely just kill myself because I have no value to anyone else, and with my parents gone I would have zero support system/people who really care about me… Literally if they were gone, and I died, it would be months before anyone would even know to call the police/coroner...


I don’t even have relationships with extended family, no one talks to me. Even my own sister only talks for a few minutes every few months…


I do love Washington, it has everything I want in a place to live… Mountains, oceans, whales, awesome beauty everywhere… Even the weather is perfect… Tons of camping/boating/etc… All the things I’d love to do, but I can’t stand doing it by myself, it has to be with someone… but without a significant other to do anything with, I get pleasure from none of it.


At this point in my life, even if I were with “friends”… New people I somehow met here in WA… it wouldn’t be enough… I can’t take the depression of hanging out with friends, then having them to home to their families, while I have nothing… In addition, new friends would likely eventually suffer the fate of my old ones… Autism would likely eventually dissolve them… It’s the same reason I don’t do stuff like walking in the park… It puts my mind in a dark place when I see that kind of stuff.


So I don’t want to make new “friends” here… Seems pointless… I don’t have the energy… I don’t have the mental energy to deal with many people…. I could handle a girlfriend, and a couple friends of my own, but that’s about all I could handle really… So trying to build a new social network here in WA seems difficult/near impossible/semi pointless.


Screws with me in other ways too… For example, I bought a boat a few years back, sort of a project… Live on an island and always loved boating, so I fixed it all up, got it ready to go, was all excited about it until I finished it… and realized I had no-one to enjoy being on the water with… No friends, no girlfriend, etc… So I just sold it… Never even went out on it. Anyway….


I’ve grown to truly hate my life… It has no purpose aside from helping my parents when they need something.


My autism specialists don’t have any real suggestions, none of the books and stuff have any real workable solutions… Which brings me to my current situation/reason for writing this…


Out of my whole life, only 1 person has ever seen me through the Autism… A girl I’ve known since she was about 12, who grew up in a house full of developmentally disabled foster children and adults (As well as her own brothers/sisters)…


Between her upbringing, and simply having a giant heart and amazing personality, she’s a pretty amazing person. Not to mention, she’s battled her own issues (bipolar), so she has other ways to relate.


Long ago, we dated… We broke up after a couple months, but this was one of the only non-autism related breakups I’ve had (long story) … Since then over the years she’s sort of become my only “real” friend. She’s basically I guess what you’d call my “best friend”, and I am hers…


She is the only person I can talk to, who truly understands my battles with depression/anxiety/autism who has any idea how to relate really.


She’s the only person I’ve ever been able to socialize with in groups, without me feeling super uncomfortable/overwhelmed… She’s sort of the perfect bridge between myself and “normal” people… She’s the only person who’s ever made me feel kind of normal.


I’m high functioning enough, that when im with someone who is socially “good” (but aware of my autism to subtly help me with certain things), I can blend in quite well… Heck, it took 30+ years to get the autism diagnosis, I can hide it well.. at least for a while.)


I truly feel if I were ever to have a chance at a successful relationship with my issues, it would have to be with someone exactly like her basically… Seems pretty unlikely to find another one like her though… :/ … Anyway….


Recently, we were talking about my life… My outlook on things… She still doesn’t want a relationship with me (unrelated to my issues)… But she desperately thinks I should move back to Wisconsin.


She thinks that being away from my “friends” that I had, is making things worse… She’s worried about me a lot. She doesn’t like that I’ve sort of given up on everything…


Herein lies the problem… If I moved back to WI… There is no relationship waiting for me. Every night I would still go home to an empty apartment.


As I mentioned earlier, just seeing happy couples walking in the park puts my mind in a very dark place, like I’m being taunted with something I desperately want but will never be able to have…


So, living in Wisconsin, watching the only person who really has ever connected with me, hang out with me for a while, then go home to her daughter and stuff…


Happily living her life, without me, just like all of the other “friends” I have back there… Is f*****g hard… and makes seeing happy couples in the park seem like nothing in comparison.


After all, it’s one of the reasons I left to begin with… Most my friends have families/careers/no time for me… If I do get a little time with them, I hear all about their families and stuff (which im sure most people would appreciate, but it hurts me in a way they don’t understand since I have none of my own “adulating” stories to tell) … etc…


She seems to think me spending time hanging out with her, since she does understand me, would make me less depressed… Having someone who “gets it”, who can sit face to face and talk about stuff, not to mention do some things with. We can’t have a relationship, but she definitely wants to hang out a bunch. Perhaps she thinks maybe she’ll somehow figure out a way to introduce me to someone, I don’t know….


On the surface, it sounds good… but I know, at the end of the day when she goes home to her daughter and stuff, it’s going to tear my heart out worse than seeing “happy couples” in the park…


Same thing with any other “old friends” I might happen to try to spend time with if I lived there… Maybe not to the same degree as her though since the connection is much different.


She and her family (who’ve ive known for years) would sort of have to be my surrogate family… without them I would essentially be completely alone, since my real parents would be back in Washington.


Which is another scary thing… My parents have been my only reliable, surefire support system in my life. Admittedly they don’t understand the autism stuff as much as I would like them, but they are my parents, I have a good relationship with them and love them.


Moving back to WI separates me from my only “real” support system. Never lived more than 40 minutes from them, they are literally the only people I see on a regular, almost daily basis right now…


IF I moved back to WI for a relationship, if I were to get back together with my ex, they would realize how rare of a chance that might be and they would be supportive for sure, they know I want nothing more in life.


However moving back, to get to hang out with some people.. most of which have families and stuff and don’t have much time to hang out anyway… etc etc… I’m not sure how supportive of this they would be.


It’s a huge financial outlay ($12,000+ or so considering moving + remodeling my place so I can rent it and stuff) … It leaves my parents alone (which I’m semi-ok with, they would have moved without me if I didn’t want to come so that’s not a huge deal, but still a concern of mine) … Tend to help them with a lot of various things, and I wouldn’t be here for that…


All of this, based on my ex (and her mom.. and her aunt) all trying to tell me that they think it’s better if I come back to WI. My ex is serious enough about it, that despite her being a single mom, making $10 or so per hour, she’s willing to give me half of her tax return, which she expects should be around $6000 total… So she’s willing to put $3000 towards my moving expenses to come back. I’d still have to sell a lot of my possessions to afford it though (I’m on disability + part time $8/hour job) …


I don’t know what to do… I don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff really… My life seems over here in WA in a lot of ways… but maybe somehow someway that could change? Or maybe I really would be happier/better off back in WI…


Both options scare the s**t out of me… It sounds stupid but I’m sort of having some sort of breakdown trying to figure out what to do…


Literally on over double the dose of Xanax I’m supposed to be taking and it’s barely taking the edge off… Called in sick the entire week of work (I never call in sick normally, much less for a whole damn week)…


I’m so unhappy with my life, but I don’t know what the best way to make things better would be… I don’t want to move away and upset my parents and fail… but if it did work, they would be happy of course… but having them so far away, is also scary… I’d be relying on my ex and her family to sort of fill in and I don’t know if that will be enough.


Anyway, I suppose I’ll shutup, this is already stupid long… I really appreciate everyone who actually read this, especially if you have some advice/thoughts on the situation.

Thank you!

You can't really move away from internal problems, so I think it comes down to the support system that you prefer.

My opinion is that you should stay in Washington, but only you can make the "right choice". You might want to seek help for depression if you haven't. That could help you with what direction would benefit you most.

No need to be sorry for the long post, glad you could get it all out. After thoughtfully reading all you wrote, it seems to me that if you moved back to WI (Go Pack go! - I was born in WI) it seems to me that your internal pain would be worse because you would often be seeing your ex and then seeing her with her daughter and you would have no support system at hand other than her. Right now, you have your parents at hand for a support system and you have your ex afar for support. I would think that seeing your ex with her daughter would cause you more pain than seeing the couples out walking who you don't know first hand but which cause you you so much pain that you don't even feel like going outside for a walk. This is just my opinion after reading what you wrote, I am not trying to tell you what to do.

Right now, are your parents helping provide support in the way of basic needs like food and shelter? Who would help you with that in WI? Are there any support groups for autistic people in your area? You might meet someone there who is looking for the same companionship you crave.

Do you like animals? I realize they are not people, but a dog can be a great companion. A dog would love to go on walks with you, and might even like doing something like boating. I have three dogs. Two of them love to go kayaking with me, the third gets motion sickness. If you could get out of the house and walk your dog, the dog might help you find someone. I prefer to take a walk with a dog than go alone because if I meet someone and they stop to talk, the conversation can usually center around the dog. I am very awkward at conversation, so having a dog with me helps. If you are not sure you want to commit full time to being a dog owner, many shelters have fostering programs where you take in a dog on a temporary basis. Getting a little exercise while walking a dog might help ease depression too, which in turn would enable you to get out on more walks and maybe meet someone.

Sorry if you are allergic to dogs, or don't like animals and all this dog talk was useless for you.

I am 63 and I realize that I will never fit in to "normal" life, I will always feel like an outsider looking in when other people are having conversations, laughing with each other, etc. I understand the pain you feel in seeing other people together while you are on the outside looking in. Even though I have been married for 41 years to a wonderful man, I still feel this pain because he is able to fit in with the world and I am not. So I have had a great companion in life yet, I still feel the pain you are describing. Much of the time, I am alone because I don't want to hold him back from connecting with other people. He is comfortable around people, I am not. He is the only person in the world I am comfortable with. But I am not going to make him limit his world to just me when he has the ability to connect with the rest of the world.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I think you'd feel worse if you moved to WI. But don't give up on finding a life long companion, it can and does happen for people like us. But understand that if you do find someone, it may not totally take away the kind of pain you are feeling when you see other people together. I had a particularly bad day today seeing my husband effortlessly connect with people while I was in the shadows trying to hide from people.

I hope some of this makes sense.