A few things to vent

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Hi everyone. I'm Rachel, I'm 14, and I've been struggling for a while now, so I feel like I might just vent a few things here.

All of you'll know how hard Asperger's or autism can make life. High school has felt like such a struggle. I mean, in many ways I'm really at the very tip of the high functioning end of the spectrum, but sometimes that makes it feel worse. It's like I'm asking myself, "Is there really a genuine neurological reason for why I'm struggling, or am I just weak and stupid?" Some days that's what it feels like. And yeah, it feels like I've managed to work up a massive self hatred complex. But with high school, and homework, exams, a lot of the people I meet grating on my nerves a lot, stress, and all the rest, I haven't been having a good time.

I don't know why, but this year was the one that broke me. I think I just finally cracked under all the pressure after two years of struggling but at the same time kind of functioning. Part of it, I think, was me and a close friend drifting away a bit. That wasn't easy to deal with. We've reconnected a lot more now, but it was painful while it was going on.

In the middle of that, I ended up talking way more to another friend who also struggles with depression and anxiety. I've been worried about her for ages, with self harm, eating disorders, talk of suicide and everything. So when I told someone else who I thought I trusted about it, and we tried to get her help, it blew up in my face. She hates me. Still isn't getting the help she needs. I kind of wish someone with social skills were in this situation, rather than me, being hopelessly out of my depth.

Also, I think I'm transgender, put bluntly. I was born male, but I think I'm maybe a girl, and calling myself Rachel feels very natural. I didn't feel like that all my life, and when everyone else is saying that they did, it feels a little invalidating. I'm still not quite sure of my identity really. I think I want to transition, but I'm scared sick that if I do people at school will rip me to shreds like vultures. I can't stand some of those people at school. I'm probably way too harsh at them, but I kind of wish they'd shut up, do their work, and stop making offensive jokes. (Point in case: "Hey, autistic people should be rounded up and shot. Oh, I'm sorry Jack [my birth name, and seeing the look on my face but not knowing why]). Yeah. I wish I were joking.

So here I am, at the middle of the night when I should be either studying or sleeping, hoping that any of you can be bothered to read my whiney rantings. I'm just a 14 year old girl, and I already feel dead inside. Keep trying to find ways to breathe, but it's a bit hard when there's a thousand pairs of hands around your neck. It's amazing to see how far I've fallen. But I guess I'm still holding it together to some extent. Still trying to see light at the end of this tunnel.

If anyone replies to this, thank you.
Rachel

When I was 14, people would tell me how great teenage years were... the best days of your life, they would say. The notion freaked me right out... like are you kidding me? This is the best it gets? I thought they must be full of crap and self delusions. To this day I think they were full of crap and self delusions. I can say that it does get better, but I also know that is of little comfort while living through it.

What you are living through right now is hard. There is no way around that. Being on the spectrum is something that makes you an outsider. Being trans also sets you apart. I cannot relate to the trans part... I have never much felt a pull t male or female. I know that set me apart in a kinda similar way... but I do not have any severe feelings of wrongness in my skin. I have no way to truly understand that aspect of what you are dealing with. But I am sorry you have to not only feel that way, but live in a world where people are intolerant of such things. I do understand how important friends can be during all of this and I am sorry you have had issues in that area. Having friends around who love and accept you, people you can relate and connect to... it makes it so much easier to navigate. At 14, my lil group of friends were all I had. I'm glad to hear you are reconnecting with one. And though it caused problems, I am also glad you did what you felt was right with the one you were worried about. I know it has to be hard for her right now to see you were showing care and concern for her, but you were and that is a good thing. You seem like a good friend to stand up and do that even though it had to have been hard.

I wish I had some encouraging and uplifting words to suddenly make things better. The best I have is to hang on and say that in time it does get better.