Rant about past sexual assault. Sorry

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So I'm upset because of past sexual assault when I was 17 and sometimes I randomly remember the guy that did it or something related and I can't get over it. I think I'm messed up for life. Basically my first bf forced himself upon me. I didn't call the police when it happened because I thought I could get my own back. He was nice in the beginning of our relationship and tricked me by pretending he would be nice and won't do it again so I'd go back to his house. I'd think he won't hurt me again and if he tries I'll be able to get away. Some times I did but not every time. I kept going back because I didn't want him to think he had got to me and I honestly thought next time I will get revenge. I stopped going near the guy all together when he tried to choke me and I tried to call the police then but my phone was too far away to reach.

Later on I got more angry that I let him do that to me and I didn't want him to harm anyone else so I told all my acquaintances and friends at the time so they are aware he is dangerous. Also I didn't want to be just letting him get away with it and I believe in an eye for an eye in a way. He shouldn't be let off free and he is. I'm still unhappy about that. I cannot go to the police now because convictions for rape are super low, also there is no evidence even though a few years ago the guy admitted it in front of a group of people I told but he wasn't beat up or anything and I think he deserves that . Also I attended anti rape protests. It helped a little. I didnt tell my father what happened though because I don't think he would understand and I'd be ashamed to explain.

Basically even now sometimes I want him to be punished for what he did but nobody will. They just want me to accept it and move on. I tried to but I've had relationships since and they ended up breaking up with me over not wanting to sleep with them...

I don't care who reads this. I don't care that I'm traceable. Sexual assault is actually super common and it's almost accepted as normal I think. Also when it happened I was not dressed 'like a slut' or being suggestive I was very clear I didn't want it. Even if I was dressed in a short skirt for example it wouldn't mean it's my own fault:(

I was raped in college by someone who I thought was a friend and never told the police. At the time, I felt like I was mostly to blame. I still blame myself a little. I wish I would've told the police though because he's been able to go on with his life, and I have really struggled.

My reputation was damaged. I never told anyone what happened, but he told lots of people that I was falsely accusing him of rape to protect his reputation in case I would tell someone. There was a lot of whispering behind my back when I returned to college the following year. This still upsets me.

I know where you are coming from and can totally relate to how you feel. It's hard to move on when there are intrusive memories and seemingly inconsequential things are triggering.

I agree. That guy deserved to get his butt kicked.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's good that you're bringing this out in the open.

Have you spoken to your counselor about this?

It is entirely possible for you to recover, and to not feel messed up for life, time heals a lot of things but sometimes professional help is the sensible option, so that you move forward with a healthy resilient mindset.
I am sorry this happened to you, it was very wrong.

Starfoxx, some of the difficulties you have had with focus, social contacts, and so on, may be related to this unfortunate experience. I think you would benefit by discussing the sexual assault with a counselor or therapist.

I'm sorry it happened, and I hope you continue to move forward.

I just wanted to add that people with autism are sometimes vulnerable and naive because of misreading a situation, and they also may have trouble sticking up for themselves. When you think about any of this being your fault, remember that each of us does the best we can, you included. With insight and practice, you can become stronger. First step is to honor your experience and your special self.

Im so truly sorry you have experienced this! It is shocking in many ways!! ! It is far too common and many do get away with it! It is never too late to call the authorities but maybe do it through a Councillor. I can understand for many reasons why you would be reluctant to bring this up or to seek prosecution but the main thing is to remember NONE of this is any fault of yours whatsoever! I went through something similar at 6 years old and it wasn't an isolated case either. I have come to terms with it now and the police were involved but didn't do anything at the time.. I understand he had a disability of sorts so in essence not only have i forgiven him but pity him...
Your circumstances seem pretty wide spread, many women i know have at some point gone through something similar. If rape wasn't bad enough the fact he also tried to strangle you sends total shivers down my spine! This im afraid is unlikely to be an isolated case with this individual and the fact he openly admitted it without remorse shows how dangerous this character is... You do have a good case as he has admitted this to witnesses but can understand how daunted you feel about calling the authorities...
As mentioned maybe worth bringing this up with a councilor and if you can and have the strength use their understanding about the system to bring this low life to some justice if not just for yourself but any other victims he may have created...
I can totally understand how this has effected your trust with people and the triggers he now has created... But as mentioned never feel any guilt on your behalf! None of this was in your control, he had control of you!
My heart goes out to you! and hope in time you can not feel what you feel about this barbaric situation/s and horrible individual!

and much admiration for having trust to be able to vent your circumstances on here! You already have made the first step!

I don't think I could tell the police now because the ppl I told I don't ever see anymore or talk with and I've moved very far away. I got worried because I know that he has visited my area and one time he unblocked me on Facebook and I asked him where he has visited and he would not tell me and blocked me again. Also if I told the police I'd probably have to go to court and have people question me a lot. He might only have to pay a fine or something and then live his life like nothing happened.
I'd only be ok if I get evens with him and that's if he is hurt as much as me. I don't think it would help to talk with a counsellor about it.

Oh wow, doesn't sound good at all! Have you managed to block him on FB? and make sure all your posts are friends only and be dubious about new friend requests... Yes unfortunately court involves a lot of questions but there are ways of not having to appear in court depending on the case, some even allow interviews over a skype style format.. and the lawyers deal with the bulk of the talk... From what you have mentioned it is unlikely he would just get a fine! Im sure it would likely be a lot more serious than that for him! As far as old friends or acquaintances go that witnessed his own psychopathic admittance to what he did, again these people can be easily tracked down which you wont have to do yourself... It can be a hard decision as i wont lie, there will likely be some stress involved with prosecuting him, but much relief at the end as opposed to potentially lifelong issues and triggers that you could face, it just depends at what end of the scales you want to sit..
As far as the Councillor goes again that is up to you as you know yourself better than anyone, but sometimes airing it to someone like a Councillor can help for many reasons...
Again im sorry this has happened to you and can only hope that in time you can somewhat heal and put this monster at the back of your mind and lead a better more stress free and fulfilled life!..
Karma can have a funny way of showing itself, even if it does take time!

The reason to talk about it with a counselor is that it affects all your future relationships and even just day-to-day trust with people in your life. It makes a heavy burden and often poor self-esteem, that robs your life of the great opportunities and enjoyment that life could hold.

You might call the police department in that jurisdiction and ask if it is possible to make a report without filing charges. That way, he may be on their radar, even though you never have to face him in court or be involved with any lawyers.

I hope this does not discourage you, but here's the reality: a relative of mine was brutally beaten and date-raped by someone she had trusted. She filed charges and went all the way through a jury trial. The man was convicted, but in sentencing, he got no jail time and one year probation. Outrageous! So you need to understand the types of results that can happen in the "justice" system. On the other hand, don't try to take justice into your own hands (like murder or assault) because that can end up punishing you still worse.

he's blocked me. I wanted to find out if he had moved or visited my area through Facebook.

Also the other issue is members of my family live very near his parents and they know where I used to live because it's literally across the road. If I was contact the police maybe his parents would go to my families house and cause trouble even though they don't know about it. Idk I think because of the area they live in word might get around. I'm not minding for me but for them it might affect them.

Thanks for the advice everyone

I probably shouldn't have made this post because since I have been randomly having mood swings and panicking in the day while I'm busy doing things for no reason.

Also I thought I saw him at my college and I got super worried. Then I thought maybe it's just someone who looks like him but then I got worried again and thought he had followed me and I told my college and stuff. They are saying it's a student who looks like him and not my ex but I'm not sure until someone can ask his name.

If I didn't make this post perhaps there wouldn't be trouble as much.

Can you ask to have this thread moved to members only, at least it would be less visible then, if it was possible I would have no objections to the thread being deleted.

Can you get an appointment with the college counselor?
It seems like there is a lot happening for you, many old memories resurfacing and such, I believe that you do need health support for these challenges. I know I find it hard to ask for help, but when I do there is always a relief that accompanies sharing a problem with someone well qualified to help.

Idk how to request to get threads removed or deleted