Joy

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Hi! This is going to be (really) difficult to express in words, but I'll try.

Until a few days ago, I had had a strong fear of castration, the thought of which did not manifest frequently but was nonetheless a very frightening one. So a few days ago, that thought struck me again and I became unconditionally filled with dread. The dread drove me to despair; don't ask me why. For some reason I'll mention later, I (accidentally) affirmed the condition (or the thought more precisely); as a result I'm now much less prone to suffer from this, a kind of indifference has been developed towards that thought.

When I affirmed the thought, I also felt a kind of joy; I'm not kidding. I don't mean mere "acceptance," which to my mind implies resistance, or subtle unwillingness. But long long before this event, I had another (very active) obsession: a command dictating that I should injure myself because I was supposedly guilty. One evening I overcame this obsession. How? I surrendered to the thought, in other words, I totally ceased to be reactive. At the final stage of this process, I had to reach an unconditional state of self-trust: that inner voice telling you who you are. But it was a very difficult and heavy undertaking; I actually experienced unusual bodily sensations during the process, coldness and quiver.

Now I'm and have been in years feeling joyless. I mean that there is no genuine feeling left anymore. I'm not feeling devoid, nor depressed. I feel normal on one level. But on a deeper level, I don't appreciate life as I ought to. I can't normally appreciate the chirp of birds for example. The essence of life is not flowing through me, except in some brief moments, during which I feel so good that I even start smiling. My explanation as to why this is happening to me, is rebellion. I mean it at a psychological level. I regard rebellion and affirmation as opposites. I am perhaps rebelling against my situations, surroundings, circumstances, etc... If I could cease being reactive (meaning also to cease avoiding) then I would no long feel the revolt against what-is.

"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule."
Although I don't really share my views with Buddhism, I think that quote is relevant.

What do you think?