Personal tragedy

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I'm dealing with a personal tragedy these days. I've lost my balance, I'm reeling and for the first time in decades I'm terrified.

I have enough self-discipline to acquit myself of my duties in a satisfactory way, it's very taxing but I know I can do it. I have already made arrangements so both my professional and social life be less demanding in the next months. I have people who care about me but they might as well be on the Moon, they cannot reach me where I am. The rational part of me also knows that this too shall pass and I'll pull through. The price will be high and I'll be left with some ugly scars, but such is life.

Being in the moment though became unbearable. It's like my mind has been shattered (and that's not saying anything about my heart) and there's no room left in my brain for anything but the feeling of loss and pain. I've had a very tough and violent life as a child and young adult, I've also been through a hellish year of physical rehabilitation and physiotherapy from a bad accident and yet I never knew such pain as I feel now. The "best" I manage to do is to occasionally distract or numb myself, but then all the colours and sounds disappear from the world along with my senses and I wander around like a ghost trapped in a patch of darkness.

I cannot sleep, I doze off once in a while, and I'm half wake through nightmares. I cannot listen to music - one of my strongest passions - or enjoy anything else and there's nowhere to hide or rest even for a little while. Chores and duties are almost a relief as they force me to go through the motions, but around others I almost dissociate, leaving behind a part of my brain to move my body around and not act or sound like a mad man, while the rest of me is being savaged by the pain.

I don't even know why I post this, I probably shouldn't be here anyway. I know from past experience that no one can really help another through such things. Maybe I just wanted put this into words.

Thank you for reading.

I think I understand, or can relate in some way to your words.
For the immediate to medium term, there is pain, it will ease eventually, the challenge is to keep trudging through each day till you reach that point.

I am sorry that this is the outlook for you, consider all that you have survived before... I often think it's truly amazing all that a person can live through, the pain we can withstand and the potential for growth when the intense chaos subsides. I think your rational side will be a gift though, it will be there, always, in the background, even as the emotions become overwhelming, trust it to get you through. Many hugs

Thank you Amity, I've always appreciated your wisdom and honesty here.

Indeed, I've always thought that people have no idea how much they can actually endure and really hope most don't get to find out!

For obvious reasons, at the moment what I have survived in the past as well as what I have achieved seems meaningless, but I have a family and use them as motivation to trudge along.

I know I'll pull through, but right now it's just devastating and I'm a bit scared of what will be left of me after the storm passes.

I don't agree that reaching out to people, even online, might not be useful.

I find use in it.

You'll have your idiots who might take advantage. But the people who seek to help far outweigh, in quantity, those idiots.

I believe in catharsis---in airing out your thoughts in writing, in speech, and in deeds.

I'm sorry you're going through this personal tragedy.

Thank you kraftie, I'm not saying there aren't people who might want to help, I just doubt anyone can actually do anything for me right now.

What you do here on the forum almost looks like penitence to me sometimes (not in a religious way) and if so I wonder what do you think you have to atone for.

I hope I'm not offending you, I actually admire your generosity and appreciate you posting in this thread.

I wish you recovery, hope, genuine friends and peace. You are a person I value here. Thank you for sharing with us. Everything passes, though time doesn't always heal as much as we would like. This too will pass. Take good care of yourself as you traverse this passage of your life and get all the rest you need.

A blessing for when we are suffering written by John O'Donohue:

http://www.bc.edu/content/dam/files/top ... essing.pdf

I have nothing really to atone for. I'm in okay guy. Maybe a little boring. No real skeletons in the closet (except for debt).

It's true, very few, if anybody, could actually DO anything about your situation. Nobody could do anything about my situation, either. Such is life, right?

But it's still good, in my opinion, not to keep your feelings bottled up inside.

Sorry to hear about this.All I can offer is my sympathy,I hope this soon passes.To not be able to listen to music would be a real downer.Stay strong.

How is everything going?