No soul?

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I do not speak about the soul here in a religious sense. It is just the closest word that I know that can explain what I feel I am lacking. There seems to be a fundamental piece missing in my ability to win the heart of a women. Something is lacking, and it seems on the most fundemental level to be what I can only describe as a "soul".

I can spend time with a girl, make her laugh, give her advice, be good company. On paper, I believe that I have all the traits necessary to make a good boyfriend. People tell me that I am loyal, honest, caring, funny, intelligent, and I have a career ahead of me. But, I am always only a friend, never the boyfriend. Its as if I have everything but the one thing that matters. "It". I just don´t have it, whatever "it" may be. And, it seems like this "it" is a necessary trait in order to win the heart of a woman.

There also seems to be something missing from all of my other social relationships. As if there is something lacking, missing. I can´t describe it because I don´t think that there is a word to describe it. Someone was telling me about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" the other day (I have never seen it), and about how a guy tries to copy the memories of Jim Carrey´s character to know what to do in order to win the character of Kate Winslet. He does everything exactly right, but it doesn´t work, "something" is missing. He repeats everything but it somehow doesn´t work. "It" just isn´t there, whatever "it" may be.

When I heard this, it seemed like the perfect explanation for what happens to me every time I meet someone. Everything is okay, except for the "something" that is missing. The spark, the connection, the one thing that is needed to move me from friend to boyfriend, or from friend to friend with other people. It feels like other people are always at a distance from me, although I know that it is I alone who feel this, and not others. They seem to have a connection with me, but I not with them. This seems to not be a problem for everyone else that I know. They have a connection, a comraderie, a closeness in some way. I watch some of my friends interact and I can see this "something" between them, but I have never experienced it. I myself do not know if I feel love for my family, but I do care for them. But, I cannot quatify this as the emotion "love" in any way. It seems that there too something is lacking. A distance, a wall, and inability to feel connected to the outside world. It feels like I am not human on the most fundemental level.

Its like the crucial ingredient is missing from the perfect recipe. The greatest cake recipe would turn out disastrous if someone left out the sugar. One ingredient can make all the difference in the world. It feels like I don´t have this "ingredient". A "soul" as some might say, that which allows for a connection on the most basic level. That which is necessary in order to feel a connection with other people.

I have heard other people too describe this lack of a total connection or feeling, and because of this, they have a hard time keeping a partner. It seems like this is something that operates on the most fundemental level of interaction. Something that is always in the background, but always in the foreground. Something no one ever notices, but will turn them away because they just don´t get that feeling for you. As if everything depended on "it", but on one is aware that exists.

*sigh I´m just tired of feeling so alone.

I don´t know what I writing here, or even if I´m asking something. It´s just something I was thinking about after I heard about that movie.

I've felt that before. I've felt that a lot. The kind of person I can really connect with is rare. There's nothing wrong with you; you're just an unusual type of person, and you need the right match. I've been on dates with guys who made me feel soulless, and I've had "friends" who made me feel nothing at all. You just need to find someone you click with. I don't mean to make that sound like a trivial thing, because maybe it's not. Some people can "click" with just about anyone, but others are more picky. You need to find someone who makes you feel like opening up. The right kind of person for you might be rare, but they're out there, I promise.

I am wondering how old you are and have you always felt this way, even as a child?

I can't really give you an answer on why you feel this way. Some of it may be an asperger's thing, but I do not have asperger's syndrome (my son does) and I have felt these feelings sometimes too. Sometimes, depression and anxiety can give people that sort of "disconnected" feeling.

The good news is, while there may be few people you can connect too, there will be eventually. And when you find that person it may not be some profound over the top connection, but something real and happy and cozy.

I think I know how you feel. I don't see it as not having a soul though. I think I actually feel more than most other people do. It's more of a case of feeling like there's an invisible wall between me and everyone else.

There have been a very few people that I've felt connected to though. I know it can seem like it will never happen, but it just takes a lot more time to find the people you can click with than everyone else.

I think it is an AS thing. I'm 33 and even though I have friends and have been married, it's very rare that I feel connected to someone.

People dont have souls, people are souls.

Thanks to everyone who wrote something. I am 27 and have felt this way all my life. When I was young I could not understand why I could not feel a connection with my friends, and it always puzzled me. Of course I could not explain it like this, but something was always missing, and I could always sense that something was missing.

I did meet someone recently, someone who I felt connected to for the first time in my life. She told me that she did have feelings for me at first, but, before it could become something more than a friendship, she met someone else, and doesn´t have those kinds of feelings for me anymore. We are still friends, and she still does care for me very much, but nothing more than a friend, and I am broken now because of it. I am afraid that this is what will always happen.

I just didn´t have "it".

The comment about clicking is so true. Some people have the ability to build a rapport and strong bond with nearly anyone (I'm somewhere near that end of the scale) whilst others feel nothing for most but will have a tiny select few that seem to be nearly soulmates.

Some feel love and passion easily (again... *raises hand*) whereas others don't know what it feels like, and may only experience it a few times in a lifetime. I think I'm dating one such fellow Then again, someone that was treated like crap all their childhood without a scrap of affection may not know in the least bit how to respond to it. I think that's his story...

The feeling is reciprocal, I know that much. If you feel you're at a distance, people will sense a brick wall between you and them. If you let your guard down in that 'soul' kinda way (words missing o_x), people can sense that wall drop...can often lead to people being magnetised towards you. The person that taught me about AS, an Aspie herself...I was one of the few people that didn't see a huge ice wall between her and the rest of the world. For some reason, she trusted me. Though we give each other a lot of space (she doesn't like someone on top of her 24-7) we have a lot of respect and a strong rapport for each other. Just knowing there's not a wall there...helps so much...

No body has a soul were all just animals who developed superior social skills and logic. I think if somebody has a "soul" they are just ignorant to this truth and therefore manifest a completely made up perception of the world and this would make someone apear to have a "soul".

Dude, unless you'e got slime oozing out your pores, there is gonna be someone that will find your touch invigorating Don't be afraid of it like that...women are repulsed by people's touch if they feel that person is going to demand sex from them when they don't want it (which would be rape)...not because of who they are necessarily.

Thanks for the replies. They do help. I was thinking about this a little more, after a discussion with someone else elsewhere, and it made me think that the reason why I don´t feel a connection with anyone is because I am unable to percieve these little subconcious cues that people are sending off. Its as if these are what draw people closer to one another. Its all in the subconcious. The fact that I can´t pick them up tells my brain that theres no connection there when the fact of the matter is, is that part of my brain is telling the other part of my brain the wrong thing, if that makes any sense.

One part of my brain is not picking up these signals, so it tells the other part of me, "hey, this persons not giving you the signals that you´re a friend", so the other part says, "okay, we just got word from the observation room that theres nothing out there, so no one needs to come in today". Its like the friendship deck is underground, so it has to rely on the observation deck to tell it when someone is out there. But, its like the observation deck has its windows painted over, so its pretty much useless. This of course makes the friendship deck useless too because it doesn´t have any windows of its own, it has to rely on the observation deck to sound the alarm. Its like hiring two men to watch for icebergs on the titanic. The blind man is only allowed above deck, the man by the alarm who can see is only allowed below deck. The only result can be a shipwreck. What a fu**ed up way to wire the brain if you ask me. That is what "it" is, "it" is the working connection between the observation room and the friendship room, and of course "it" is also having a person who can "see" in the observation room.

This makes sense in a way, because the only way that I can somewhat connect with people is if I talk to them, talk to them about issues that are much deeper than anything found on a superficial level. So, that is the way that I make my connections because I cannot make them in the normal fashion. But, of course who I am is beyond the understanding of most because only people with AS cannot possibly comprehend what I go through, so I can´t really talk to people like this outside of the boards.

Of course this makes it tough, and the only people who I feel truly understand me (well this part of me) are the people that I´ve met here, but this is also such a small part of who I am. People here probably wouldn´t believe that I was the same person if they met me in real life, and the people who I know in real life wouldn´t believe that I´m the same person who writes all this stuff in here. They would be shocked.

*sigh...

This thread has helped though, helped me to realize where I need to concentrate my efforts on making connections, but it still sucks.