What qualifies as suicidal thoughts?

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dcj123
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16 Nov 2016, 10:39 pm

Sorry for the blunt title but I need some clarity on suicidal feelings and when it crosses the line, I don't mean offense here, just information. If you are having feelings of worthlessness and feeling like you would be better off dead and even envisioning various ways in which you could die daily but didn't have a plan or largely didn't want to act on it; does that qualify as suicidal thoughts? Is that even alarming? Is it normal to feel like that all the time and just ignore it? Will that solution lead to an actual suicidal when it boils over? Will it ever boil over? Is this mind set actually the best way to be mentally healthy? Is the solution to everyone's problem just basically throwing your hands up and saying f**k it all to hell?



the_phoenix
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16 Nov 2016, 10:41 pm

Praying that you will feel better, dcj123.



dcj123
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16 Nov 2016, 11:25 pm

Thanks I guess,

Also on the topic of feels,

I see no reason to end this task when its going to time out eventually anyway, no user input is required.



dcj123
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16 Nov 2016, 11:33 pm

I think I am too depressed to kill myself 8O

I feel like my whole existence is a mistake, s**t is f****d :oops:

There is no hope that I'll ever not be an autistic imbecile
There is no hope that I'll ever find love
There is no hope that I'll ever do anything productive
There is no hope that I'll ever be a benefit to society, worse yet, I'll probably pose a threat to it
There is no hope that I'll ever have any meaningful relationships
There is no hope that anything good around me will last without me burning it down
There is no hope...



dcj123
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16 Nov 2016, 11:58 pm

My house is a waiting room to die, its a dungeon of isolation and my mind is the torturer :oops:

Oh well,

I didn't mean to do dump my negativity here but at least its in the haven and it needs draining... bad :cry:



noumenon
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17 Nov 2016, 5:07 am

It is typical to have those thoughts when depressed. When it becomes a problem is when you start to make a plan to act upon it.

Oh and I see your icon is an Arch Linux logo, nice.


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redrobin62
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17 Nov 2016, 11:10 am

I'd say that what you envision to be suicidal thoughts ARE suicidal thoughts. The reason I profess that is because you chose to post those things as opposed to, say, "Hey, I just finished reading the new JK Rowling book" or "I just saw Doctor Strange. It was great!" or "I just came back from a two mile jog and, man, I'm beat!" or "I just came back from the mall with my niece. Both she and the mall were noisy as f*ck, but it was time well spent" or "I learned a new chord on the piano today" or "I just finished writing a review about a suck-ass movie on IMdb" or...well, you get my drift: something other than "I'm thinking about dying."

Life sucks. It's hard as f*ck. Parents have us but it's not always with a secured future for us in place. Trump's children? They're in heaven. Food every day, roof over their heads, etc. Some of us are f*cked. It's the hand we were played. I've attempted suicide and spent two months in a psych hospital. These days I'm just plain crazy. But I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone. Lots of depressed folks like me on the planet. What you're doing is good - reaching out to the rest of us who feel the same as you. You are not alone.



theclash123
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17 Nov 2016, 5:38 pm

dcj123 wrote:
Sorry for the blunt title but I need some clarity on suicidal feelings and when it crosses the line, I don't mean offense here, just information. If you are having feelings of worthlessness and feeling like you would be better off dead and even envisioning various ways in which you could die daily but didn't have a plan or largely didn't want to act on it; does that qualify as suicidal thoughts? Is that even alarming? Is it normal to feel like that all the time and just ignore it? Will that solution lead to an actual suicidal when it boils over? Will it ever boil over? Is this mind set actually the best way to be mentally healthy? Is the solution to everyone's problem just basically throwing your hands up and saying f**k it all to hell?


I'm sorry you're feeling this depressed, I know how crappy that can feel. How long have you been feeling like this and what have you tried to feel better? I mean have you tried medicine, therapy, ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), or is your depression mainly situational?



dcj123
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17 Nov 2016, 8:27 pm

Hello,

I have been extremely suicidal this last year and September of last year I... for lack of better non offensive wording, had a plan but I didn't carry it out in its entirety. From that time period to now, I have had extremely negative thoughts and frequently think about dying to a degree I never have before, so I feel worse overall. However, since not carrying out my plan in September, I have not wanted to act on any thoughts though I have them more frequently. Sometimes I act on self harm though and sometimes consider the steps involved in a given method. However, again, I don't normally act on it and if I do I can normally come to my senses before doing anything too stupid. Before September of last year, there was only one serious suicide attempt that left me in a pretty bad way, nothing significant before or after that. Situational is a funny description to me, as I would not feel depressed if there was not merit to be depressed, it has been a long standing issue but it has never been without reason.



dcj123
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17 Nov 2016, 8:45 pm

The reason I didn't carry out the plan in September is because I felt I could accomplish the same thing by extreme isolation as I just didn't want to hurt anyone else with miscommunication and bad social skills and just flat out being a bad person. When I was carrying out what is best left unsaid, I felt an extreme degree of worthless and and felt like a burden and felt like I couldn't do anything right. In retrospect all of those things are still true, they were were true before and they are true now but I felt that maybe I could just exist without trying in isolation. All these feels still hold true, I have existed since September of 2015.



dcj123
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17 Nov 2016, 9:37 pm

Some other random reasons I didn't die basically is I don't want to disappoint my mom and I guess I am religious but not as much as I appear, just a more or less thinking that some of the outcomes in religion aren't much worse then daily life down here so maybe hopeful optimist is a good wording for my religions views. So basically the only reasons I am alive after thinking about it is, to isolation, to not disappoint my mom, and because something written in a barely coherent book "might" happen.



theclash123
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17 Nov 2016, 10:57 pm

dcj123 wrote:
Hello,

I have been extremely suicidal this last year and September of last year I... for lack of better non offensive wording, had a plan but I didn't carry it out in its entirety. From that time period to now, I have had extremely negative thoughts and frequently think about dying to a degree I never have before, so I feel worse overall. However, since not carrying out my plan in September, I have not wanted to act on any thoughts though I have them more frequently. Sometimes I act on self harm though and sometimes consider the steps involved in a given method. However, again, I don't normally act on it and if I do I can normally come to my senses before doing anything too stupid. Before September of last year, there was only one serious suicide attempt that left me in a pretty bad way, nothing significant before or after that. Situational is a funny description to me, as I would not feel depressed if there was not merit to be depressed, it has been a long standing issue but it has never been without reason.


What I mean is your depression based on something, like lack of a social life or neglectful parents, or is it clinical. By clinical I mean it's a chemical imbalance in your brain and it just happens randomly.



dcj123
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17 Nov 2016, 11:12 pm

Oh well...

If that is the case, I have been diagnosed with Autism, Aspergers, PTSD, bi-polar, and just about everything else so I don't really pay attention to be honest. I feel I have a good reason to be suicidal, various unfortunate situations have lead to suicidal thoughts however this state of complete brokenness since last year seems to be related to the fact that I just have bad social skills and am feel lowly of my ability to communicate. I don't think that answered your question very well but it just is what it is, I don't really know how to answer your question to be honest.

Homelessness, abuse, being a s**t person, not communicating well, all these are reasons for wanting to not be here but my last social failure murdered me inside, I don't feel anything really. I hurt for the people I upset but I don't do them any justice thinking about it now. When I consider things from this angle, sometimes I feel it is very selfish to not kill myself so I obviously don't give a damn about the people I say I care about or I would take the recommended route.



theclash123
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17 Nov 2016, 11:46 pm

So have you tried anything like therapy, medication, or ECT, (electro-convulsive-therapy?) Or have you tried any other methods?



dcj123
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17 Nov 2016, 11:58 pm

1. Currently in CBT, indifferent towards it and doesn't really change reality that much.

2. Medications, they change so much in an attempt to get me stable but my heart and soul died and both the effort it takes to kill myself and the will to live have departed from me. Currently I am on wellbutrin and abilify but they have no effect one me one way or another.

3. I am very much against ECT for personal reasons.

4. I use cannabis to modify mood, it does not make me less depressed but it helps me not make every post about ending my life. I still consider these things, I just tend to do other things. You can take this either way though, it could be a "bad" thing considering culture and social acceptability. However I have f****d up social acceptability so much in my own personal life with and without cannabis, I don't really give a damn. It is what it is, I am not really even saying it helps, but it makes getting through every day when your in tears from sun up to nightfall a little easier.



dcj123
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18 Nov 2016, 12:20 am

In addition to feeling like a burden, I don't mean to offend anyone given hurtful stereotypes but I feel like I am ret*d. If not in ability then at least socially and even in ability, I have never been able to be productive to the extend that a "non disabled" person is. I feel very defective and broken, I feel like I am never safe from myself. I feel like I am always on egg shells with everything. I feel I have nothing, I feel a maggot has more merit in creation then I do.

I also feel like s**t after writing that, my God the tears, I am taking a break :cry:

The words are true to my heart though :oops: