please help me

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ok, here's the situation. (This is especially for the mothers on the forum...but everyone, please, I need some input.)

I am calling my ex boyfriend's (C) mother tomorrow, to set up a meeting with her (S), myself, and the newest ex-girlfriend (N). C has been spiraling down the path of alchoholism ever since we started dating freshman year of college. We dated for 2.5 years, and he just got progressively worse, drinking more and eventually trying coke. We broke up a little over a year ago...he started dating N. She dated him for about a year...over which time he drank more, did lots of weed, and started to increase his coke habit. He then started cheating on her. They broke up a couple days ago, and N and I just sat down and talked over a glass of wine. Which is when I learned that he had slit his wrists a couple of times.

I've been debating with myself for the last year whether or not I should talk to his mother about his drinking. She knows that he drinks, but we're at school, and she has no way of knowing the extent of his habits. on the one hand, i'm not sure it's my place to tell her. On the other hand, he's spiraling. he entered the school as on of the best french horn players here...he's now given up on music altogether. He is constantly drunk, not an exaggeration, constantly. And he has become increasingly violent when drunk. N and I spent most of our time when we were dating C holding his life together. His new gf is not going to do that for him, she's unstable, with a drug habit. I feel like at this point, his mother needs to know. She's AA, and might have some idea of how to help. Also, I'm worried that he's going to hurt himself.

The problem is, I don't know what to say. She's coming to visit monday, have lunch with C and N (she doesn't know that they broke up.) The plan is for me to call her and set up a time to meet after they have lunch. What do I say? How do I do this? Mothers on the forum, please talk to me, I don't know what to do. If you were C's mother, would you want to know? What should I say? How do I do this? I know that he's going to hate me forever for this, but I'm so worried about him...please help....

He is lucky to have a friend like you.
I have seen many people do too much drugs and drink and the only person that can change that is himself.
I really don't know what you should do but you have my sympathy.

Ok, I'm aspie, I'm also an ex drunk and addict. I had to hit close to rock bottom to wake up. No one could do it but me. That's the bad news. There is more.

I had to figure out the whys of why I was on the self destructive path, in order to fix it. Another task for me and I repeat me. I had to figure out the roots so I knew what to change and they are different for everyone. There is no one cure. However there are tools that are out there at least to get to the spot to stop doing the drink or drugs. That's important, it gave me clearer eyes to see what was the root of it all. I'm 56 and I just saw another root and a big one that I had buried some 35 years ago. I couldn't tell you how long I've been clean, I just don't keep track, it isn't important for me to know. What is important to me is I don't do it now.

What do you say to his mother? For all I know it is his mother that is the problem and most likely not even her fault. We are raised by humans and that in it self is a freakin set up to do some self destructive things to ourselves if the job was botched of raising us. No parent is perfect in raising, if you think there are perfect parents, get over it. So what do you do? Well being an outsider and not his girlfriend my suggestion is leave it alone. You might make things worse for all I know. Painful to see someone self destruct isn't it. He may very well be saving his own life. Don't believe it? Get over it. Drinking saved my life. It would have killed me in the end, no doubt about it. Somewhere I woke up and said enough of this s**t. It took a judge to say get your ass to AA or go to jail. It worked but for only one reason I was ready to stop and this opened the door to do it. I don't think to much of AA, but and this is a big one. Any port in a storm, they had some useful info I needed to keep my act together on this new road. I have no idea what his might be if he chooses to take it. I also learned a very long time agao, we go into a relationship thinking, well this guy has a problem and I can fix it. Lol, I don't knnow how many times I tried that little deal. You can't, but they can do it for themselves.

So what does one do? Don't be a co-dependent, if you must tell his mother, his girlfreind anything, tell them to look up co-dependent. you can't change him, but you don't have to feed him either. Doesn't mean you move away from him, you can still be there. In your case maybe not in the girlfriend role. Tough love? Maybe that's a close term. there are books to be found on co-dependent's. I have never ever been impressed nor my wife with the AA version of it. They tend to have pity partys. But it never hurts to take a look and see what one might find that fits.

Ok, that's how I see it. Others may see it another way. I have no crystal ball, nor do I have any other view then the path that worked for me. Keep yourself healthy, his mother needs to be healthy, same for whom ever in his life. He needs to find what is healthy for him. Whats moves him to do it, I don't know. Perhaps a councilor for those that deal with him, might be of value, they might have ideas far better then any you might have seen from me. maybe if one is lucky he might agree to see one too.

It's painful to see another on this path. For me I must keep myself healthy and to shoulder anothers problem is not good for me. It isn't my fault. It isn't your fault.

Ok I read poorly. I just noticed the wrist cutting. that's serious, more so then just the slow road to death. It's all the same make no mistake. get pro help, not you maybe, but whom ever is closest better get a pro on the job. And I mean now. Not next week. he may fight it, but at least a pro will have the insight on that as well. He's got a serious problem, it all is, but this one is the real beast and it wants to take him down, right now. It's not your fault remember that, it's a mantra. Don't shoulder guilt. It's not your fault. Don't forget what I wrote above that still holds true.

Thanks, postpaleo. I definately agree with your first post...it's exactly the reason I haven't talked to his mom yet. But the wrist slicing changes things, like you said. I've been talking with my mom...she says that maybe it would be best to go through the school's people, like the dean, and have them talk to C's mom. I don't know how I feel about that. it would take the pressure off of me and N, and my mom said that it might be best for S to hear about her son from another adult...my concern is that none the adults who could get involved actually know C...they might have never even met him. I don't know how much they could know, how helpful they would be in talking to S...I don't want info to get twisted...also, while N and I are young, we're not in hs, she's a sophomore and I'm a senior in college. We each dated C for a long time. we come from a perspective that the school's administration can't, we have knowledge about the situation that they don't.

But, if I talked to them, I wouldn't have to talk to his mother. On Mother's Day, no less.


grrr! I am so bad at all of this! Thanks again for your support.

Your concern shows you have a heart. But you are still a couple of ex-es who want to get involved with his mother. That will not go well with him, and the right messeage and wrong messenger can get the message lost.

Schools have little power to do anything till it gets way out of hand. They do not take the role of parent. They avoid the role of police, University is a between world, a place to discover yourself, and people find strange things.

As PostPaleo points out, nothing works till the person is ready to change. It cannot be forced, a mother and several ex-girlfriends who still talk to him might be what he needs when the time comes. Form a girl gang now and he will reject it, and have nothing when the time comes.

I would not trust any University person with the truth, from what you said here, they would be legally bound to turn the information over to the police and it would be due cause to get a warrent. A feloney conviction will not help.

If you are going to do something stick to loss of interest in life, drinking, and wrist cutting.

Expect that his Mother might see some of this for herself, but what can you do? You have been out for over a year, and (N) who has broken up with him, who he cheated on, and has another girl, is now going to lunch with him and his mother? On Mother's Day, and she is arranging for the bomb to be dropped with support troops, you?

Stay out of it. It smells like a trap. Be yourself, be there if anyone wants to talk, him, mother, but avoid exes, it is not your world.

I see someone setting you up to do the dirty work, and it is not out of concern.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

Of course, a mother wants to know.
The question is whether you should
be breaching your sacred confidentiality
as a friend. This is your choice, but I would
be hard pressed to make it.

On the one hand, I would do everything that
I could to help my friend, but bringing others
into the situation really frightens me. On the
other side, talking about slit wrists seems a
clear cry for help. One that can't be ignored.
Still, it was a cry made to you, and a tax on
your friendship, and not to his mother. What
you are contemplating may be a much greater
betrayal than even just telling him that you
don't care enough to help.