Venting about money and food and not being an adult...

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I'm kinda stressed out. I get disability, but they shorted my check last month by about half and gave me no explanation as to why. It's not like they overpaid me or anything and I do not get govt. insurance (get that through spouse's work) so it's not weirdness on that end. My spouse is my payee, so I can't just bite the bullet and sit on hold with them all day. He works and goes to school full time so he lacks the time for that as well. Who knows when I'll find out why they shorted me. I know it does not matter though... knowing why they did it will not put cash in my pocket.

I have food based trauma issues. As a kid there was not really food in my house. My mother is a junkie and food is not high on the list of priorities for junkies. It was common for me to go days without eating. As an adult, I start getting tense and go on panic mode when food supplies get short. I stop eating regularly and old thought patters emerge about how I will run out of food and who knows when I'll get some again and I try to not hide things for later. I have been underweight for the bulk of my adult life. I was at almost an anorexic weight two/three years ago because of this. It also does not help that I have a weird metabolism, so even when I do eat properly, it's really hard for me to put on and keep on weight. If I get bronchitis or something, I drop five or ten pounds in a week and it takes me months to get the weight back... if I can get the weight back. Anyway, a few years back when I was at my thinnest, I started to work hard to put on and keep on weight. I managed to go from about 100lbs to 125/130ish. I have had to work really hard to keep that weight on.

Due to disability shorting me so much, I started to freak out and go back on food paranoia mode. Since October, I have been steady dropping weight. My jeans are hanging off me now and yesterday that made me mad so I grabbed an old pair of jeans. I can fit my damn size 0's again. I am not happy about this. I want to force myself to eat more, but I do not get paid again until the 4th and even though I get food punchy, I am going to run out of food again this month. That is not just me being paranoid. That is reality. I want to scream.

My spouse and I make something stupid like $17 a month too much to get food assistance. Really? What the hell.

I'm not looking for options here... I know what is and is not available where I live for food help. I guess what I really want is to just vent.

I kinda lost it yesterday and verbally vomited all over my spouse yesterday. I feel like a complete failure as a human being. I am almost 40 years old and lack the ability to consistently feed myself. And yeah, I'm poor, but I also do this stuff to myself. And I don't know how to stop. I know that I cannot afford to do things like buy pizza every month... but I do it. I know I cannot afford to buy myself clothing, but I have done that as well. I take walks to the corner store and buy toilet paper for a dollar a roll instead of remembering to buy it at the damn grocery store. I forget to pay my bills on time and they tack on late fees. I'm always behind on everything and the messed up part is even with my crappy executive functioning stuff, I am more responsible with money than my spouse is. For months I would forget about a broken stove in my kitchen until I went back into the kitchen and had to crawl on the thing to gain access to my pots and pans for christs sake. I'm a wreck and I'm the one who is on top of things? How is this a thing? Gahhhh!

I have no idea how to be a person. How do people do this life thing? It befuddles me? I am befuddled.

I wanna grow up. I don't know how to grow up. This is a problem. Sometimes I do managed to get on top of my stuff and I can stay there for a bit, but it never manages to stick.

Again, not looking for ideas about local food banks or whatever. I got that. I just needed to vent. I am curious though if this is a just me thing or if anyone else here feels me on this kinda thing. Anyone else self sabotage or fail to get enough food and get all freaked about it? If you do, how do you cope? I've been trying to get enough down time/meditation time in. I have been walking. I have also been reading the Tao Teh Ching... the whole non ado thing is really appealing to me right about now. I have also been telling myself that this is temporary... nothing is permanent. Still, the bi**** keeps rearing it's head and I'm still tense... which makes me less productive in the things I try to do everyday which makes me feel even more incompetent. Nasty cycle this... so yeah... there's my verbal vomit for the day... I'm just a big ole ray of sunshine, huh...

You should really find out why they "shorted" you.

Agreed. I want to know what happened. All I can figure is maybe they overpaid me years ago when I got my initial settlement. I dunno. Since I have been getting monthly checks/deposits, there have been no discrepancies with what I should be getting and what I am actually getting. It's inconvenient and weird.

My spouse is my payee, so he is planning to call them. He tried already a few times but it's hard for him to get in contact with someone immediately with his work/school schedule. He lacks the time to sit on hold or be able to just answer his phone whenever it rings. He has vacation time in December though, so we'll know what happened next month. Last time I tried talking to the social security people about insurance related stuff (they wanted to give it to me even though I did not need it) they told me I had to have my spouse call... so we wait.

I'm sorry you go through all that. Have you tried to make a budget? I'm horrible with money too but a budget has helped me. For groceries- I usually make a meal plan with my wife and we stick to it for the most part.

I hope you can find out why you were shorted money! That seems so odd they would do that.

I do have a food budget I try to stick to. I do the same thing... write out meals for the week and buy accordingly. I get messed up with that because I always have a few days each month where I am not functional at all. I can't figure out how to cook when I get like that. I can't figure out how to do anything when I get like that. So yeah, that would be when I mess up and buy pizza. Meh. As for the rest of my bills and stuff, I do have a budget. I pay the same bills every month and since they are usually about the same amount, it's easy enough for me to know what I have to pay and when. The hard part comes in remembering what day it is and getting the money where it needs to be on time. Like now, I had no idea it was after the 22nd (water bill due date).. I was thinking it was still in the teens, but nope. I have my water bill money set aside in a drawer, it is now late and I owe them more money. It's so stupid... I try lists and cannot seem to remember them consistently. I need a fricken warden or life manager or something. I seriously suck at this whole life thing.

Thank you. I hope it can get figured out as well. Apparently though it is not just me who got a money reduction this month for something or other. A guy I know was telling me how he and his husband got a big chunk taken out of their disability this month and how they will be taking money from him again next month. He knows what his is about though. He was also telling me to how other people he knows have had money taken from them as well, but he is not sure why, just that it happened. I have never heard of such a thing before. It has me confused. I'm so glad this month is almost over...

If your spouse is your payee, why isn't he making sure your bills get paid on the right day? I thought payees were supposed to help the person they're a payee for with that kind of stuff.

They are supposed to help with that kind of stuff. My spouse is really bad with money though, so he just gets the money out of the bank and hands it over to me. I'm actually better with money than he is. Left on his own, he would not just be late with things like the water, he'd flat out blow it all and then not have anything left to even make a late payment. Reconnect fees are worse than late fees. Plus then you have to pay the back due all in full. Yeah... he is so not allowed to pay important bills. I like the guy, but he is awful with money.

Why is he your payee at all? What happened when you were your own payee - if you ever were?

You, your spouse, and Social Security should work together to change the arrangements so that you are your own payee. Then all mail will go to you, you can make calls, and so forth. All you and your husband have to do is say that you both feel it will work out better if you are the payee.

You could still have your check deposited into a joint checking account.

I also want to suggest you try online banking at a bank that has bill paying capability. This works really great for recurring bills that are always the same, say your Internet bill or rent/mortgage, car loan, etc. You can just set those up on auto-pay once and then never worry about another late fee. But you can also use bill pay for bills that vary from month to month, so after the proper information is entered, all you will have to do is type in the dollar amount and due date (allow a few extra days).

This is all going to be new for you, so go into the bank and ask someone to walk you through it. We did that, my husband and I together, and they helped set up the account and showed us how to use it. Both my husband and I know the password to the account, so if I'm incapacitated for a period, he can use the account as well as view balances. But I do most of the clerical work on paying the bills online.

Good luck. Sorry I can't identify with your food anxiety struggle, but I can identify with the difficulties of money management.