How can I get over a shameful past and forgive myself?

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Basically I feel I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I think my autism has had a lot do with it, and the choices I was driven to make.

I feel I am a lot better now, and like myself today, a lot better. But I hated who I was before, a few years ago. I am 32, and didn't start liking myself and making good decisions till I was around 28.

But I can't get over the past, cause I feel my bad decisions have crippled me to a degree, or painted me into a corner with what I can do with my life, and I feel that even if I try to make up for it now, it will take years, and I am tired of all the lost time, and would like to build a life for myself that I am happy with. But at the same time, all the lost time is making me feel bad.

It's given me a lot of depression and anxiety lately. Does anyone have any advice or input, on how to handle a past of unforgiving memories. People say don't dwell on the past, but when it's the only memories you have, how do you not stop them from pre-occupying your head so much?

I know where you're coming from. Life is really a question of trial and error (especially if you're autistic) and it can take a few hard knocks before you get a grip on things (usually when you're in your mid-late 20s) and sometimes options that would have been available to you when you were younger (if you knew then what you know now) aren't there anymore.

But that doesn't mean you can't make the best of what's left over. Just work out what you want to do and do your best to make it happen (or as close to it as possible).

Think of your old self as a prototype or a beta version, full of bugs which have either been fixed or at least marked as "Fix this!". You are version 1.0.

As for dealing with bad memories, the only fix for that is to make new, better ones.

Okay thanks. Making new memories is the hardest part as it's a slow process. I get jealous when having conversations with other people. They all sit around and talk about 'good times', all the time, and I feel I got nothing to share and feel so empty compared to them. I was never a jealous person much, but these past couple of years, it's just hit me really hard all of a sudden.

We all make mistakes and yeah autism has a LOT to do with it we can have issues with understanding consequences of our actions even though we might know right from wrong. The best thing to do is realise you did make some mistakes and to try and improve on your life now but of course being aspie myself I am very much aware this can at times be tough we tend to go over things a lot and live in the past a lot. I wish you all the best in your future im sure you will do well but remember don't be too hard on yourself if you do much up occasionally we aren't perfect.

Basically in the past I felt like I did nothing, but wasted a bunch of time in my basement for years, playing video games, watching movies, etc. I felt like I could done more school, done more martial arts, since I am into that now, but wish I had learned it before, so I could be really good now. I feel I wasted so much opportunity not learnings when I could have. I have also gotten into acting and music and filmmaking, and wished I could have learned more of that now. The anxiety of never having done it before, is burning so bad in me that I am hot all the time body heat wise. I am sweating so bad, that I don't even need a coat, when everyone else, does and I haven't been able to sleep well a lot, because of it now.
I have had to take time off work to get better as well, and have been calling in sick, cause I can't sleep and am exhausted.

The thing that hurts the most is I get jealous of other people's conversations, and have a hard time talking to them. They talk about their accomplishments, and I feel left out or do not like my past even more when I hear it, and feel more shamed that I didn't have the guts or ambition to go as far as others did. I am even having trouble spending time with one of my best friends cause of it, as I get jealous of her past and more fonder memories of her accomplishments.

I actually decided I want to get into fimmaking and have decided to make movies, over the past four years but have not had much luck. I have decided I am going to make a feature film and put my own budget of at least 50K towards it. But other people say I am crazy and haven't had near as much practice experience. But I am so anxious to make new memories, and do something worth living for, that I feel I don't have time to practice. I don't want to get my career started at say 40, I want to start now, before I get even more jealous of others. Am I crazy?

Shame is not an inherent property of 'reality', it is a result of your own self-perception. In order to change your self-perception you have to first be aware of the perceptions you want to change in a cause-effect sort of way.

It's not about contradicting yourself in regards to what you already perceive, it's about being able to perceive something different in regards to those events at the moments in time when it causes distress (the present) instead of perceiving the failure. In this case, 'those events' are the things that caused you to feel shame in the first place. It's about noticing things enough such that when you start to think the anxiety-inducing thoughts, you set up an anxiety-reducing reaction to those thoughts.

Changing perception is NOT throwing out the old perception, because all perceptions are valid given the information that gave the perception. Perception just is, it's neither right nor wrong, it is truth at that moment in time. Grasping this concept is necessary, for if you don't and you try to do the above, you'll end up trying to surpress the idea that you were shameful, which may work for a time but is not a solution and may cause worse problems down the road. The process is emotional.

Don't forget the past. Use the past as instructive material. Experience is a most instructive thing.

As long as you didn't do anything to anybody else, why would you feel you need "forgiveness?"

In simple terms, "move on."

Cause I feel like I did a lot of bad things to myself.

You probably have done bad things to yourself....but you're fixing it all now.

It's better, really, to learn from your past than to regret it.

I am really happy that I am catholic. As a child I was always having a good feeling after confession, and a lot of that feeling is still somehow there. The idea that "God" forgives everything, and so do the others (the good ones at least) has some universal validity, because people should forgive each other, in particular if they regret and try to change.

Maybe you should consider your "sins" less as sinning against yourself and more a sinning against others. Actually that is the only right way of seeing it. And you should also always consider which bad motivation have driven you with some wrongdoings, and how you could compensate for what you have done.

Jealousy is a sin, too, and a pretty big one: Kain killing Abel comes directly after Eva letting the apple to Adam instead of eating it herself (knowledge dismissed / irresponsibility), and before Babel (vanity/big film project). Cant you just stop comparing yourself to others, and do what you think needs to be done, also in smaller portions? Some people fail to see that a lot of small acts can have a much bigger impact than the one big thing that brings fame.

Meditation helps with stopping mental loops. Requires some experimentation with different techniques and then exercise, but should be worth it.

Okay thanks. Maybe I will get over it in time probably. Do you think that me, using my savings to get into the movie business is a foolish, desperate idea though, and maybe I'm not thinking straight?

I dont know you very well and nothing of your project, but from what you say about yourself it could be more like a fixed idea without the necessary skills. But maybe not.
Do you want to make a long movie? Have you already done something short?
What is the script? or story?

I wouldn't use all my savings. I might keep half for an emergency.

I would also obtain feedback from others pertaining to your project.

Obviously not OP but this was helpful to me,



Its hurts a lot more, unbearably actually when you do a lot of bad things to other people. So I would take it as learning experience which I believe was the point EnglishInvader was making.



That would not help me but this is not a thread about me so best of luck with this advice but bear in mind what I said above. This line of thinking can lead to the absolute worse of despair.



+1

I'd advise against dwelling too much on the past. Self-blame is rarely useful in life. You can't change the past, and you can't undo the things you might feel bad about, but you can use those experiences to learn and grow as a person. I'd suggest focusing more on your future than on your past, and using what you've learned from your previous experiences to build a better future for yourself. If you look back at your past saying "Why did I do this?" or "why didn't I do this?" then use that same line of thinking in the moment - maybe try to mentally weigh your choices in your mind to see which ones you'd feel better about looking back on in a year, or five years, or ten years.

But also remember that whatever you might think when you're feeling depressed, you aren't an oracle or a prophet, and you can't predict the future. If and when you mess up a decision again, just remind yourself that you felt like it was the best decision at the time, and realize that you've learned since then. Don't hold your past self to the standards that you have now. We all grow and learn as people for our entire lives until the day we die.