I'm such a terrible procrastinator, I don't know whats wrong with me that makes me wait until the absolute last moment to get something done but it's killing me. I cause myself terrible anxiety and guilt, I create these life or death situations real or more often imaged that wreak a toll on me. School is basically all I know and I was out of it for quite a while but it's always went the same, I do extremely well for periods and then I get burned out. A lot of the anxieties I felt going back to school brought up a lot unmistakable familiar feelings, I smarter and relatively more mature now with somewhat more clear direction in life but with way less self esteem and social capital.
I just can't pull myself away from other things, stare at the keyboard or reading material for hours, that sort of thing. I think maybe I'm just a weak person whose natural inclination is the quit and do everything t o avoid all stressors, when I take stock of my life I would say I am pretty much on the extreme end of that in most aspects of my life. I make plans for myself and then I fail to live up to them, most things I never even start and only stick my toe into.
I do not have many people to lean on in my life but I am so thankful for the few people that I do have that they are the primary motivation I have to initiate and persist with pretty much everything I do. I am embarrassingly dependent and I am ashamed of how essentially childlike I am in so many ways. I get in these bad patterns of thinking, I start ruminating over the perceived inadequacies in my life and the hopelessness I feel at overcoming it. I've always identified with the Sisyphean task, I always feel things are a few steps away from completely unraveling for me at pretty much everything I do. I feel judged constantly, from myself mostly and most importantly which really complicates things since I've always had intense an aversion to seeking help and feeling deep shame at the perceived weakness.
I know how irrational my thoughts are and the problems I make for myself, that's the worst part of it in some ways since knowing that doesn't make stop having those thoughts or feelings. I feel responsible for my failures but carry a lot of bitterness towards the people and institutions I felt I have let me down. Things could of been better for me, I've always felt I was denied an opportunity to succeed pretty much my entire life that was completely beyond any of my control. Despite my weakness, the stacked odds, and acts of god I've been able to persevere over a lot of the peers I had from growing up who have befallen the toll of hard times. Where I grew up wasn't a good place to raise a kid to say the least to make things short, it was something I was keenly aware of since early on in my childhood and have always resented it.
I don't have to just deal with my own stress, I have to deal with the stress of being there for my very sick totally unmedicated and totally insane brother who I thankfully don't have to live with. He loses his grip on reality and there isn't much you can do for him, he has all the classic aversions to treatment but eventually there won't be a choice the way things have been progressing. I spend a lot of time with me brother, it's 'socializing' in a sense and we're both pretty much the only social outlet the other has as sad that is. It's very tiresome dealing with him which gives my mother a bit of a break, part of me wants to avoid him but I'd feel extremely guilty. It's hard even talking to him at this point at times but he has his moments where he's back. Bipolar but I'm thinking worse, at that age. Very very paranoid. This family stress combined with school are pushing things to the limit, the only refuge being that it's almost over.
I should of been working instead of typing this post, crap...
05 Dec 2016, 9:46 am
