How can I deal with envy and self-loathing?

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Today someone was promoted at work. From the testing team to UX Developmental. That's my favourite kind of development. I would not accuse them of being unfair, no one was more deserving than her. They gave her the position because she has two degrees in software development and graphical GUI design (I can't remember the exact names of the degrees). I have no degrees because I'm inferior.

I'm a few years older than her. In 2008 I was in community college studying IT. I was studying full time. I dropped out after one semester. I had plenty of money. I could easily pay the tuition (relatively cheap) and still have plenty left over to waste on video games. A few years later J went to university. She was a full time student and she was also working full time because while her family stayed in South Australia she had gone away to Melbourne to study and the rent in Melbourne is quite expensive. She did this for five years.

While she was doing full time university she had a full time job and she didn't give up. While I was doing full time community college I did not have any sort of job and I gave up because it was too hard. Even the uni alone was probably harder than my community course because it dealt with more advanced material.

She said it was very hard. She had to do most of her course work outside of class (class was mostly lectures and reviews). She had literally no free time and she only had enough time to sleep four hours per night. For five years. I gave up after one semester because it cut into my gaming time. I still had time to play games but not as much time as I wanted. She was managing her own apartment while working full time and studying full time and I had mother's maid service while studying full time. She cooked all her meals. Mine meals were cooked by mum. She could deal with 20 hour days for five years and I gave up after one semester because I thought 6 hour days were too much for me. She could deal with 20 hour days and 6 hour days were too much for me. How much weaker am I? I'm like an ant compared to her. I'm as weak as a kitten compared to her.

If only I wasn't so weak and pathetic I could have stayed in community college for a couple of years and then transfered to university and gotten a degree in something useful like software development and then I'd be qualified for the dev team. Why would I want to be on the dev team? Because when I was in community college, programming was the most fun part. More fun that testing. If I tried to get a degree while working full time it would be very slow because unlike her I'm too weak to study full time while working full time. Last year I was able to take two classes at a time while working, with difficulty. My apartment went into squalor because I had little time or energy for housework. I felt quite exhausted by this. I had all of my late teens and early / mid twenties free for studying so I should have utilized that time instead of wasting it on video games.

Now don't say that it was just because I have aspergers because she has it too. A lot of people with aspergers have achieved great things so I can't use that as an excuse. Using it as an excuse was what I did when I dropped out the first time

To rub salt on the wound that day we had to write a document outlining our future career path. A whole day of focusing one my "future" (or lack thereof). I know that I'm not qualified for software development. When I was in community college I found programming to be the most enjoyable class. More enjoyable than my current role at work. I enjoy programming but I won't be doing it for a job. Ever. Out of all the different types of development UX development would be the one I'd enjoy most. It's the most creative type of development. Not only visually but also I'd be interested in the ergonomic aspects of creating a more intuitive GUI. Pretty interesting stuff but I'll never do that for a job.

So I had to think of other things to put in my career development document while avoiding any mention of development. Partly because I didn't want them to know I'm jealous I've been thinking about software development for a while but for me to say it on the same day someone who's actually qualified went into development would just make me look pathetic in their eyes, especially when I don't hold the qualification. And on the same day. They would think I'm just copying her. I don't want them to know I'm jealous I'm seething with envy but I don't want them to know that.

I should be happy for her. Everyone else seemed to be. I avoided her for most of the day before congratulating her. I couldn't face her. I couldn't face my superior I felt like I was an inch tall compared to her. I should be happy for her. I know it's wrong to feel this way when something good happens to someone else. But I do. I guess this is just more weakness on my part. It's like the spoiled brat at a kids birthday who can't stand seeing the birthday boy getting presents so his parents buy him presents as well even though it's not his birthday. That's me. The spoiled brat. Because I'm weak. Most of all I envy her strength.

Is there a reason you can't go back to school and complete your degree?

If you said it in your post, sorry, I missed it. I admit, I skimmed over parts of the post.

I'm only asking because I was a late bloomer myself, I did not complete my degree until later. The only thing holding me back was myself.

The main reason it would be difficult for me to complete my degree is because I'm working full-time. I cannot stop working.

I'm thinking about trying to complete my degree while working but it would be difficult. 

I'm trying to decide if it would be better for me to devote my energy to getting a software engineering degree so I can work in development or if it would be better for me to devote my energy to learning specialised forms of testing so I can be a technical tester.

If I move into more specialised forms of testing that would build on my existing skills but if I move towards development that would be a lot of backtracking. Like going back to the starting post and starting again. If I choose to become a specialised tester I could already be part way there.

Luhluhluh can you tell me about your experience getting your degree as a late bloomer? Did the age difference make it more difficult for you to interact with the other students?

Did you complete your degree while working? Where you working full time, part time or devoted solely to your studies? 

Well, it was probably different for me. I was 35 when I went back to school, and I was working a full time job so I only went back part time. So even though I could have completed the degree in 2 years if I went full time, I could not possibly have done that, so I opted to do it the slow way. I worked my regular job and went to classes in the evenings, and then did my clinical work on the weekends (my degree was in nursing). This took me four years.

My purpose for going back to school was to give my life some solidity and security, so socialization was the last thing on my mind to be honest. Nursing school is very hard work so my spare time was devoted to studies, and I managed to continue to work my full time job and I graduated with honors. Now I have a pretty darn good job, if I do say so myself.

Now, this is not to say I did NOTHING but study and never socialized, but yeah, it was cut way down for four solid years. But that's what I had to do. It was a sacrifice but worth it in the end.

I have never been concerned about socialization because I've always been different from everyone. At this stage in my life, I just don't care anymore because our lives went in different directions and we don't have anything in common anymore. That's just the way the ball bounces.

I didn't go back to college until 1997, at age 36. I graduated college in 2006, at age 45.

I accomplished lots less than you when I was 28. You're doing okay, man. At least you're not on the Dole!

I bet it would help you either way. Software engineering skills would be usefull for a good tester and similarly testing skills you already have will be usefull in software development.

But maybe you should look into a less formal type of education. Maybe a mooc or an open source project? Although, I don't know how hard it would be to find a good job for a developer without a degree.

Do you now work in nursing?

I guess I would have to do half time too. Maybe even quarter time. Just one class at a time. How long it would take depends on how far I want to go. To finish community college is two years full time equivalent. What if I want to get my degree afterwards? Some of my rivals have multiple degrees. If I did those at a fraction of normal speed I would be in danger of reaching retirement age before I finished. My field is IT. How many years before IT knowledge becomes outdated?

Can I handle it?
Probably yes. I might make myself miserable. It might cost more than it's actually worth and it make take a very long time but I believe it's actually possible. I don't know whether this will directly improve my career or just be more of an ego thing.

The thing that I find regrettable is that if I did all this study in my early 20s I wouldn't have to do it at the same time as working. I could have done it much more easily. Money was not an issue for me. Back then there was no need for me to work my way through university. I had enough money to live comfortably without working.

Some of it will be interesting and some of it will be tedious. I should have had all that interestingness and tedium when I was 5 or 10 year younger. My early 20s should have had more interestingness then choosing the best video cable for my Sega Megadrive and reading about the history of steam locomotives.

I stopped because I thought it was too hard. I know have to combine study with full time work because I once thought study by itself was too hard. Because I thought this easy task was too hard, I know have to do a much harder task. A stitch in time saves nine, as they say.

One danger is that if I get too tired my job performance could decline. Either way I can sleep 6 or 8 hours per night but do I require rest outside of sleeping hours? My kung-fu coach says I do. Maybe if I overwork myself I'll cause myself to age rapidly and lose my youthful good looks.

And I'll still be a little ashamed to graduate when I'm 30 something. As for time pressure, it's possible to deal with. Not fun but not impossible. My housework will fall behind, my social life will suffer and my dating life will take a backseat. Maybe I should focus less on my career and more on girls.

I probably won't have time for dating. I sure won't be meeting girls in class. IT attracts a low proportion of girls. I'm all for getting more girls into STEM but it just isn't working. The other problem is, the attractive young women won't be in night classes, they'll be attending daytime classes. Night school tends to be full of antisocial 40 year olds. There aren't many 20 year olds in night school because 20 year olds don't really need night school.

My social worker told me I should "work to live" and focus on having a good life outside of work. He told me that if I spend all my time in work or study that I'll be someone who "doesn't have a life".

What is "having a life"? Is it how much you socialize outside of work or does "having a life" include the hours you spend at work as well? Is how much of a "life" I have determined by how much recreation I have or is it determined by how productive I am? Some people will tell me my life is measured by how much I achieved and some people will tell me my life is measured by how much fun I had.

I just felt tired today and the thought of being in class until 9:00PM gave me a bit of dread. The trouble is, I'm a morning person. I'm very alert in the mornings. Less alert in the afternoon and very bad in the evenings. That's why 6:00PM - 9:00PM is not the ideal time for me to be in class. Last year I had shorter hours so I could just take the 3:00PM - 6:00PM class.

Spending an exhausting evening in class may be difficult but it may be less difficult than spending that evening feeling sorry for myself. There are some evenings when I feel like I have time but I have nothing useful to do with that time.

Testing or programming?
This is the big question. Part of the reason I want to get qualified is because I thought maybe I would enjoy software development more than testing. Would I? I can't know for sure. If the answer is no, if I just wanted to continue in testing, I wouldn't need any academic qualifications. There are certain industrial certifications that I'm going to do anyway but I don't need to go to an academic institution for that. It might be that I join the dev team and then find it's too difficult for me. Studying software development is certainly not the same experience as working in it.

I suspect I might enjoy programming because I enjoyed studying it and there are some aspects of testing I dislike. But I can't know for certain if I'm missing out. My social worker said there may be downsides to working in software development that I'm not aware of. I may already be in the better job for me. I just don't know.

Would I use it?
One of the things that scares me is that I get this qualification and then just stick on my desk without ever using it. Maybe I never get selected for the dev team. Even if I'm qualified it's very much chance based. That girl was in the right place at the right time.

Maybe I'll graduate and then not be qualified enough. This is a "diploma of software development" from a 2 year college. It may not be enough to compete against people who spent 4 years getting a bachelor software engineering from a real college.

I can browse through the personnel directory and see everyone's qualifications. It won't make me stand out from the crow. This girl got promoted because she had 2 degrees. When I graduate from this 2 year college I'll still have 0 degrees (and 1 diploma). That seems woefully inadequate.

I might end up as someone who went back and got their degree just for the sake of getting it. This seems impractical. Would I do that just for the achievement alone? Possibly yes. But I'd prefer to gain some practical benefit from it.

Second guessing myself
I told a couple of the supervisors at work of my plans and they were all for it at first. Then when I talked about how hard it would be they were against it. Are they giving me advice or are just they just reacting to the tone of voice I use? If I talk about it positively they tell me to do it. If I talk about it negatively, they tell me not to do it. They suggested I should focus solely on work for 2017 and not go back to school until 2018. I think I subconsciously influenced them into telling me what I wanted to hear.

I can talk myself into it or out of it the same way. For example -

I shouldn't do it - that's just your laziness talking. Don't try to weasel out of it you slacker.
I should do it - That's just your pride talking. You're only using this qualification as a trophy.

Finding my identity
This really all ties into deciding just who I am. If I choose to, I can say the level I've reached now is high enough. If not, I can try to climb higher. How much career is good enough. How far must I go before I consider myself to be a success?

Maybe this isn't really about my lack of success or my low status at work. Maybe this is about my self-image. Yes, achieving stuff does make me feel better about myself. It's actually quite effective. But there'll always be someone better. There'll always be someone who makes me thing "Why didn't I do what they did?"

What if curing my depression through drugs or therapy did a better job of raising my self-esteem? What if there's some way to halt my self-loathing and then I just think I'm good enough as I am and I don't need to have the most illustrious career?

If this problem is psychological then maybe it's better to treat the cause rather than the symptoms. Treating the cause would mean treating my depression directly. Improving my career may help or it may just be making my inferiority complex with a paper thin superiority complex.

I could make myself feel better by saying I'm better than other people but I'd rather be someone who brings other people up in status while remaining confident with my own.

We are always who we choose to be and I must decide who I'll be. If I don't back then maybe I'm choosing to be a quitter. A slacker. Someone who would rather spend his evenings sitting on a couch instead of doing something for his own benefit.

If I go back then maybe I'm choosing to be a slave. Someone who spends all his time on things that make him unhappy. Someone who works his life away chasing some imaginary ideal of perfection.

I could focus on becoming the perfect worker or focus on perfecting my life outside of work. Which is better? That depends on how I look at it.

After graduating I could be promoted to a team that works 12 hour days. Would that make me a good worker or a good slave? That depends on how I choose to perceive myself.

The trouble is I can't choose. I can't make up my mind. I can't decide whether or not I'm good enough the way I am.

I went to school about half-time while I worked full-time.

Did it help you advance in your career?

Yes, my degree is in nursing, and I do use that degree, just not in direct patient care. I knew bedside care was not for me, even before I started the degree, so I did my time at the hospital and got out. Now I work in insurance. It's a much better fit, the hours are better, the pay is better, and there's no risk of injuring my back by lifting a huge patient.

I skimmed over your post, and I don't know what to say, other than you're going to have to decide what you want and just do it. Sounds to me like you second-guess yourself all over the place and ruminate way too much over the past. If you keep doing that, you'll find yourself 10 years older with nothing to show for it.

Your friend sounds like superwoman to me. Why do you compare yourself to her? We're all different with our own strengths/weaknesses/limitations.

Do you find meaning/fulfillment in your job now? Maybe you could ask all those people looking to advise you, what are the opportunities that would be available to you with this or that degree or training that you're considering?

OK, so you made some mistakes in your teens/twenties because your values were different, and maybe what you could handle was different at that time too. Maybe you valued video games too much, but unfortunately, maybe you needed to figure that out the hard way and really feel the emotional impact of the consequences of that path. Sometimes, people need to take the paths they take, even when they look terrible from the outside. Try and look at what you've learned, rather than how awful you were for making the mistakes. They're farther in the past and it sounds like you've changed for the better. Try and give yourself credit for personal growth and forgive yourself.

I don't want that to happen again!

Dont let it get you down! I would struggle to go to uni and have a full time job aswell. Also when we are young we dont realise the importance of things. Is it possible for your work to support you in your studies by allowing you to take part in a part time course. Spin it in a way that your education will benefit them as a company

I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I just want to feel good about who I am. Do I need a degree for that? Probably.

Of course not! Sorry I interpreted as you wanted one but couldn't.

There are ways to feel good about yourself without earning a degree. Personally I feel good when I achieve things

Yeah. Part of the reason I want one is so I can feel good about myself.